"It's a very lonely fact I wish that I could take back"
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
_____________________________________
So basically... I heard that song and just like all the others.. it made me think. What happened to the carefree person I used to be? Nothing could bother me.. because I knew that no matter what I did I can't change the past, all I can do is move on. I lived by that and I was happy. I was lonely, but happy. Then eyes met, words were exchanged, time was lost, and I tumbled head over heels. What about that made me so stuck on everything around me? Suddenly everything had to be perfect.. I wanted to make it better than it had ever been. For her, for me... in general. Got lost in the little things. The things we used to laugh at other couples about. "How do they fight so much? It's not that big of a deal." My inability to let things go has definately achieved the upper hand. I'm glad I never had many relationships.. because I'd be just as ungrateful as the rest of you when something good comes along. Hey random guy out there... tell me thanks someday. My fuck up cost me a great girl. My loss will be your gain. So when you're completely unhappy.. and she comes along into your life like she did to mine.. when you're wondering "how could I be so lucky?".. I'm the one you should be thanking. Which makes me think about my future.. It's inevitable that I'll die someday.. as will you. I'm choosing the path of least resistance at this point. I don't want to go to college and have a normal job. It would drive me nuts to go to work and sit at a computer.. doing whatever it is I'd be doing. I like doing websites and photoshop and all that coding business for FUN. Fun is lost when it becomes your job. Why am I re-enlisting? To go somewhere and do something that most of America would never do. Call me a drone.. or whatever. I am sure that I am capable of more than that. Positive, actually. The problem is that I'm not willing to commit that sort of time to anything other than a relationship.. because that is the only thing that one has to rely on other than family throughout one's life. I've heard people say "When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now" and I feel like that is pretty true. In my life, horrible things have happened to me and I believe that I learned different lessons than most people would have in that situation. Some people I know who have had a rough childhood are very afraid to love, for fear of being let down. I've been let down most of my early childhood. So, when I saw that even though my mom has been through hell and back... I found hope in love. So thats what I did. I waited around for the right girl. Three times now I thought I had found her. First time? Not quite over her ex-boyfriend. Didn't think it was fair to me since she couldn't put 100% into it. Great, grand, happy for ya. Second time? Left for basic training. She moved on by the time I came back. It was OK though.. never had time for real feelings to grow anyway. Third time? Had to be the charm, right? It was. Absolute perfection for oh... 2 months. At which point the ex-boyfriend factor comes back into play. Except this time, the girl never bothered to take my feelings in mind and instead chose to hide how she always felt about her ex. Oh yeah, the ex-factor. As in he still didn't know he was the ex-boyfriend yet. If you get what I'm saying. So when your girlfriend says "I'm over him" and he still calls... and she still says she misses him... and how she never wants to talk about him if you bring his name up. You should take the fucking hint. When the arguing starts and she says "can we seriously just drop it, this is getting annoying" you should again, take the fucking hint. Feelings for the ex are being suppressed for a reason right? The ex is the ex for a reason, right? When your girlfriend tells you that you're the one who came along and swept her off her feet... and this is only brought up in a conversation revolving around whether or not she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend, you should really wonder why you never heard those words before that point. If the ex-boyfriend is such a part of her past, why does she still feel the need to hang out with him? I'll never really know. Not only that, but after we broke up.. who's the first person she went apologizing to? The ex. Wanting to "date" again and whatnot. Ya know, one time I'd like to be the guy that treated her so well that she came back to ME. I'm always chasing. I thought I was doing pretty good.. but I mean never hearing any honest heartfelt appreciation for anything you do to make that persons life more special.. whatever it may be... wears on you. Then, on top of that, always having to deal with other guys flirting.. calling.. not knowing their boundaries.. the ex-boyfriend always calling (from overseas or not) is a stupid issue but it's still not very much fun to deal with and then watch your girl pretend like it's not a big deal when he calls. Really.. it would make anybody do crazy things. Especially when the ex-boyfriend issue ruined one out of the other two relationships I've been in. Let me take something back, she was very appreciative. However it just felt like she was going through the motions. Heartfelt is the key word here. I did too much sometimes, yeah. I can see how it would get old eventually. However, I just came home from the military! I wasn't in school... no job... just my girl and my friends. I drank a lot with my friends... and loved my girlfriend to death as much as I possibly could. Smothered? Maybe. It was a temporary situation though. Can't think straight right now.. gotta go.
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
_____________________________________
So basically... I heard that song and just like all the others.. it made me think. What happened to the carefree person I used to be? Nothing could bother me.. because I knew that no matter what I did I can't change the past, all I can do is move on. I lived by that and I was happy. I was lonely, but happy. Then eyes met, words were exchanged, time was lost, and I tumbled head over heels. What about that made me so stuck on everything around me? Suddenly everything had to be perfect.. I wanted to make it better than it had ever been. For her, for me... in general. Got lost in the little things. The things we used to laugh at other couples about. "How do they fight so much? It's not that big of a deal." My inability to let things go has definately achieved the upper hand. I'm glad I never had many relationships.. because I'd be just as ungrateful as the rest of you when something good comes along. Hey random guy out there... tell me thanks someday. My fuck up cost me a great girl. My loss will be your gain. So when you're completely unhappy.. and she comes along into your life like she did to mine.. when you're wondering "how could I be so lucky?".. I'm the one you should be thanking. Which makes me think about my future.. It's inevitable that I'll die someday.. as will you. I'm choosing the path of least resistance at this point. I don't want to go to college and have a normal job. It would drive me nuts to go to work and sit at a computer.. doing whatever it is I'd be doing. I like doing websites and photoshop and all that coding business for FUN. Fun is lost when it becomes your job. Why am I re-enlisting? To go somewhere and do something that most of America would never do. Call me a drone.. or whatever. I am sure that I am capable of more than that. Positive, actually. The problem is that I'm not willing to commit that sort of time to anything other than a relationship.. because that is the only thing that one has to rely on other than family throughout one's life. I've heard people say "When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now" and I feel like that is pretty true. In my life, horrible things have happened to me and I believe that I learned different lessons than most people would have in that situation. Some people I know who have had a rough childhood are very afraid to love, for fear of being let down. I've been let down most of my early childhood. So, when I saw that even though my mom has been through hell and back... I found hope in love. So thats what I did. I waited around for the right girl. Three times now I thought I had found her. First time? Not quite over her ex-boyfriend. Didn't think it was fair to me since she couldn't put 100% into it. Great, grand, happy for ya. Second time? Left for basic training. She moved on by the time I came back. It was OK though.. never had time for real feelings to grow anyway. Third time? Had to be the charm, right? It was. Absolute perfection for oh... 2 months. At which point the ex-boyfriend factor comes back into play. Except this time, the girl never bothered to take my feelings in mind and instead chose to hide how she always felt about her ex. Oh yeah, the ex-factor. As in he still didn't know he was the ex-boyfriend yet. If you get what I'm saying. So when your girlfriend says "I'm over him" and he still calls... and she still says she misses him... and how she never wants to talk about him if you bring his name up. You should take the fucking hint. When the arguing starts and she says "can we seriously just drop it, this is getting annoying" you should again, take the fucking hint. Feelings for the ex are being suppressed for a reason right? The ex is the ex for a reason, right? When your girlfriend tells you that you're the one who came along and swept her off her feet... and this is only brought up in a conversation revolving around whether or not she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend, you should really wonder why you never heard those words before that point. If the ex-boyfriend is such a part of her past, why does she still feel the need to hang out with him? I'll never really know. Not only that, but after we broke up.. who's the first person she went apologizing to? The ex. Wanting to "date" again and whatnot. Ya know, one time I'd like to be the guy that treated her so well that she came back to ME. I'm always chasing. I thought I was doing pretty good.. but I mean never hearing any honest heartfelt appreciation for anything you do to make that persons life more special.. whatever it may be... wears on you. Then, on top of that, always having to deal with other guys flirting.. calling.. not knowing their boundaries.. the ex-boyfriend always calling (from overseas or not) is a stupid issue but it's still not very much fun to deal with and then watch your girl pretend like it's not a big deal when he calls. Really.. it would make anybody do crazy things. Especially when the ex-boyfriend issue ruined one out of the other two relationships I've been in. Let me take something back, she was very appreciative. However it just felt like she was going through the motions. Heartfelt is the key word here. I did too much sometimes, yeah. I can see how it would get old eventually. However, I just came home from the military! I wasn't in school... no job... just my girl and my friends. I drank a lot with my friends... and loved my girlfriend to death as much as I possibly could. Smothered? Maybe. It was a temporary situation though. Can't think straight right now.. gotta go.