(no subject)
the other nite we watched fight fire with fire. he fell asleep before it was over. and when it was over i lay there for 3 hours or so in the same position, no movement. his sliding door was open to the balcony which gives an amazing view of downtown los angeles. i couldn't see downtown though, all i could see was 2 stars in the black sky. and i couldn't take my eyes away from them for more than a few seconds. and they made me so sad. they made me so sad that i cried. still no movement, no sound. i just let some tears roll. i don't know what it was about those two stars. they were shining so brightly. and there i was just lying. staring. him sleeping.
it seems as though it would be harder to love when you've lost a lot of people in your life. but it makes me want to love even more, to have love to share love. i have lost too many people before i was able to tell them how special they were. i refuse to allow that to happen again.
my mother. i go to see her soon. last we talked she told me her hair was falling out and that she wanted to get a wig. i tried so hard, i told her that i liked wigs and that we could find her a nice one that looked like her real hair. i talked so normally about it. because this is our life right now. this is happening. ever since january thoughts of me and my mother have constantly flooded my head. they go back to when i was a baby. they come as pictures, as stills, as memories and songs. i can hear my laughter and i can see her smile and i always see myself in her. her in me. all of this scares me because she is still alive. it seems as though i think of her as already gone. or maybe i am just struck with the sadness in the pit of my stomach when i think of her pain. the radiation the chemotherapy. the hair loss the weight loss the lack of independance. i hear it in her voice, in his voice. life was never fair. but always beautiful. she is always beautiful, even in her sickness her puffy face her plastic skin her bald head. she is my mother. she is still my mother. and she can still put her arms around me, even if i am the one taking care of her. and those two stars, they were us. and together we could conquer the world.
it seems as though it would be harder to love when you've lost a lot of people in your life. but it makes me want to love even more, to have love to share love. i have lost too many people before i was able to tell them how special they were. i refuse to allow that to happen again.
my mother. i go to see her soon. last we talked she told me her hair was falling out and that she wanted to get a wig. i tried so hard, i told her that i liked wigs and that we could find her a nice one that looked like her real hair. i talked so normally about it. because this is our life right now. this is happening. ever since january thoughts of me and my mother have constantly flooded my head. they go back to when i was a baby. they come as pictures, as stills, as memories and songs. i can hear my laughter and i can see her smile and i always see myself in her. her in me. all of this scares me because she is still alive. it seems as though i think of her as already gone. or maybe i am just struck with the sadness in the pit of my stomach when i think of her pain. the radiation the chemotherapy. the hair loss the weight loss the lack of independance. i hear it in her voice, in his voice. life was never fair. but always beautiful. she is always beautiful, even in her sickness her puffy face her plastic skin her bald head. she is my mother. she is still my mother. and she can still put her arms around me, even if i am the one taking care of her. and those two stars, they were us. and together we could conquer the world.