You ready?
If you're reading this, you are about to engage in the most pathetic display of emo-blogging you might ever see. I am posting mostly because it makes me feel better. So no judgments... please.
Today, Kevin and I broke up.
Hmm... I don't even know how to follow up that sentence.
In the back of my mind I keep thinking he might call soon and take it back. But he won't. One part of my mind races over a years worth of memories. I think about when I first met him. Or the time he made me Quesadillas at work. Or I see a VH1 special about Marky Mark and I think about how 2 weeks ago we made fun of him together. Or I think about when I left for England and how much I missed him. I think about the night I put his drunk ass to sleep in my roomates bed and he snuck into my room 10 minutes later. I think about the day we played Lingo outside on his porch until 4 in the morning. Or the time he danced to Axel Rose with a Santa Clause hat on and it made me laugh. I think about all this stupid shit... over and over. And realize that the days of doing nothing and being silly are over... well, Im always doing nothing and being silly... but the days of doing those things with him are done. And that makes me cry. I want to call him, because I always call him when I am upset. But it doesn't work that way this time. It's like... I spent all this time convincing myself that I could be comfortable. I could have faith that he wouldn't leave me. But I was wrong. I'm never quite enough. Not just with Kevin... with every male influence in my life... I feel like I'm just short of everything they want. But I'm not enough to ever give me the things I need. I don't need much. I just need someone I can fall on... maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe I fall too hard and I give too much. All I know is I have never wanted anything so bad. And I just can't make it. It's that piece of my heart that says you should have known it all along... I don't know which is harder for me... to pretend like he did care, that he meant the things he said, and that the only reason why he's letting go is because he's moving to Atlanta... or to pretend like he didn't give a shit at all... and hate him for it. Right now, I want to hate him so bad. I've never wanted to hate someone so much in my life. But really, I just want him to call. Or more so... I want him to come see me. And tell me it's going to be okay.
And I guess that leaves me here... pretty sad. pretty unmotivated. pretty pathetic. pretty numb.
I'm not ready.
Today, Kevin and I broke up.
Hmm... I don't even know how to follow up that sentence.
In the back of my mind I keep thinking he might call soon and take it back. But he won't. One part of my mind races over a years worth of memories. I think about when I first met him. Or the time he made me Quesadillas at work. Or I see a VH1 special about Marky Mark and I think about how 2 weeks ago we made fun of him together. Or I think about when I left for England and how much I missed him. I think about the night I put his drunk ass to sleep in my roomates bed and he snuck into my room 10 minutes later. I think about the day we played Lingo outside on his porch until 4 in the morning. Or the time he danced to Axel Rose with a Santa Clause hat on and it made me laugh. I think about all this stupid shit... over and over. And realize that the days of doing nothing and being silly are over... well, Im always doing nothing and being silly... but the days of doing those things with him are done. And that makes me cry. I want to call him, because I always call him when I am upset. But it doesn't work that way this time. It's like... I spent all this time convincing myself that I could be comfortable. I could have faith that he wouldn't leave me. But I was wrong. I'm never quite enough. Not just with Kevin... with every male influence in my life... I feel like I'm just short of everything they want. But I'm not enough to ever give me the things I need. I don't need much. I just need someone I can fall on... maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe I fall too hard and I give too much. All I know is I have never wanted anything so bad. And I just can't make it. It's that piece of my heart that says you should have known it all along... I don't know which is harder for me... to pretend like he did care, that he meant the things he said, and that the only reason why he's letting go is because he's moving to Atlanta... or to pretend like he didn't give a shit at all... and hate him for it. Right now, I want to hate him so bad. I've never wanted to hate someone so much in my life. But really, I just want him to call. Or more so... I want him to come see me. And tell me it's going to be okay.
And I guess that leaves me here... pretty sad. pretty unmotivated. pretty pathetic. pretty numb.
I'm not ready.