On Jealousy
"So how was your date last night?"
"Sweet fuck Eddie. Don't sneak up on someone when they are setting blasting caps."
"Yeah, whatever, you have yet to blow us up."
"No thanks to you. Lemme finish this, then..."
"Is that how it is? Fine. Where is the roster? I want to get a jump on work tonight."
"Holy shit! You are being proactive? Which alien race to I have to thank for abducting you and scrambling your brain?"
"The Harlots from Planet Amateur Night. Are these red wire hot or black wire hot?"
"Ah, the side job. Green is hot. Red is a back loop. Black is bluff. No roster tonight. Cleanup."
"Why do you always change the wires?"
"So you always have to ask. Harlots from Planet Ametour Night, huh? That sounds like some awful movie someone would review on the internet. So who told you?"
"It doesn't matter Frank. You should have. When was the last time you took me to a hockey game?"
"Three weeks ago."
"Oh. I mean before that."
"December."
"Oh. We do see a lot of hockey huh?"
"No better fighting in sports. And I include boxing."
"Frank, it was all over the papers! The Post even has a nickname for you two."
"Eddie, the Post has a nickname for anything they can throw an ampersand into, and a bunch of things they can't."
"That is not the point Frank. We've been doing this for a long time, and we've never ended up in the paper together."
"Jesus fuck Eddie. It was a favor, O.K. Apparently she impressed Macaroni Maroncino, and all she wanted as a reward was to do was go on a hit."
"So you took her."
"Do you think, for one second, that I desired that responsibility?"
"Why didn't you tell me then? Why did I have to read about it in the paper like everyone else?!"
"Look man, think back over, say, the last year. How many colossal fuckups have we had?"
"A lot."
"And aside from a few Vatican rags, how many times have we ended up in the paper?"
"Um..."
"Before you sprain something, I'll answer for you. None."
"But this is good exposure! Think of what it can do for your career! Think of what it could have done for mine, if I had been there.”
“First off, it is not a career. Second, exposure is exactly what I do not want in this line of work. Thirdly, they only got a good snap of her, not me, which is probably the only reason I am still on the roster. Last, we probably would have fucked up in a totally different direction if you had been there, and the photo op may not have been possible.”
“Oh. Why not?”
“Because you fucking hate beef hotdogs right?”
“Right. Yeah. I’m sorry man, I think I’ve just been watching too much ‘Project Runway’ lately. The whole star-struck thing, y’know?”
“Instead of watching some shitass reality TV, you should be out there getting us a car.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m waiting for my tax return.”
“Aw Christ. We still have to do our itemization for the accountants.”
“We have until April, right?”
“Yeah, but we can’t file for an extension. Remember how long it took us last year? We gotta get on it.”
“Right.”
“After we leave these unattended bags all over, and plant this animatronic infant bomb at the precinct evidence locker.”
“Why are we doing this again? Who are we cleaning up for?”
“Remember the hockey game?”
“Yeah.”
“She wasn’t wearing gloves.”
“So? Oh.”
“Yeah. Rookies. Nothing a baby boom can’t handle though.”
“Unless it is Medicare or Social Security reform.”
“What did I tell you? No politics!”
“O.K. O.K. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, then help me. This stroller weighs a ton.”
“Hey Frank?”
“What Eddie?”
“Do you think people on the train with think we are a gay couple that adopted?”
“I hope not. I am trying to avoid any bloodbaths until we deliver the baby.”
“O.K. Hold up a minute, I am going to change my socks.”
"Your socks? What the fuck?"
"If we have matching socks, someone will definteily think we are a gay couple."
"Motherfucker! Those are MY socks! What the hell are you doing with them?"
"My last pair was covered in honey and ants, so I borrowed some when I crashed at your place."
"Eddie, that was like four days ago."
"I said my last pair, did I not?"
"Jesus man. Fuck the car. Go get yourself some clothes."
"I will, once I get my tax return."
"Sweet fuck Eddie. Don't sneak up on someone when they are setting blasting caps."
"Yeah, whatever, you have yet to blow us up."
"No thanks to you. Lemme finish this, then..."
"Is that how it is? Fine. Where is the roster? I want to get a jump on work tonight."
"Holy shit! You are being proactive? Which alien race to I have to thank for abducting you and scrambling your brain?"
"The Harlots from Planet Amateur Night. Are these red wire hot or black wire hot?"
"Ah, the side job. Green is hot. Red is a back loop. Black is bluff. No roster tonight. Cleanup."
"Why do you always change the wires?"
"So you always have to ask. Harlots from Planet Ametour Night, huh? That sounds like some awful movie someone would review on the internet. So who told you?"
"It doesn't matter Frank. You should have. When was the last time you took me to a hockey game?"
"Three weeks ago."
"Oh. I mean before that."
"December."
"Oh. We do see a lot of hockey huh?"
"No better fighting in sports. And I include boxing."
"Frank, it was all over the papers! The Post even has a nickname for you two."
"Eddie, the Post has a nickname for anything they can throw an ampersand into, and a bunch of things they can't."
"That is not the point Frank. We've been doing this for a long time, and we've never ended up in the paper together."
"Jesus fuck Eddie. It was a favor, O.K. Apparently she impressed Macaroni Maroncino, and all she wanted as a reward was to do was go on a hit."
"So you took her."
"Do you think, for one second, that I desired that responsibility?"
"Why didn't you tell me then? Why did I have to read about it in the paper like everyone else?!"
"Look man, think back over, say, the last year. How many colossal fuckups have we had?"
"A lot."
"And aside from a few Vatican rags, how many times have we ended up in the paper?"
"Um..."
"Before you sprain something, I'll answer for you. None."
"But this is good exposure! Think of what it can do for your career! Think of what it could have done for mine, if I had been there.”
“First off, it is not a career. Second, exposure is exactly what I do not want in this line of work. Thirdly, they only got a good snap of her, not me, which is probably the only reason I am still on the roster. Last, we probably would have fucked up in a totally different direction if you had been there, and the photo op may not have been possible.”
“Oh. Why not?”
“Because you fucking hate beef hotdogs right?”
“Right. Yeah. I’m sorry man, I think I’ve just been watching too much ‘Project Runway’ lately. The whole star-struck thing, y’know?”
“Instead of watching some shitass reality TV, you should be out there getting us a car.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m waiting for my tax return.”
“Aw Christ. We still have to do our itemization for the accountants.”
“We have until April, right?”
“Yeah, but we can’t file for an extension. Remember how long it took us last year? We gotta get on it.”
“Right.”
“After we leave these unattended bags all over, and plant this animatronic infant bomb at the precinct evidence locker.”
“Why are we doing this again? Who are we cleaning up for?”
“Remember the hockey game?”
“Yeah.”
“She wasn’t wearing gloves.”
“So? Oh.”
“Yeah. Rookies. Nothing a baby boom can’t handle though.”
“Unless it is Medicare or Social Security reform.”
“What did I tell you? No politics!”
“O.K. O.K. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, then help me. This stroller weighs a ton.”
“Hey Frank?”
“What Eddie?”
“Do you think people on the train with think we are a gay couple that adopted?”
“I hope not. I am trying to avoid any bloodbaths until we deliver the baby.”
“O.K. Hold up a minute, I am going to change my socks.”
"Your socks? What the fuck?"
"If we have matching socks, someone will definteily think we are a gay couple."
"Motherfucker! Those are MY socks! What the hell are you doing with them?"
"My last pair was covered in honey and ants, so I borrowed some when I crashed at your place."
"Eddie, that was like four days ago."
"I said my last pair, did I not?"
"Jesus man. Fuck the car. Go get yourself some clothes."
"I will, once I get my tax return."