tortured soul
I once met a gentlemen very much older than me, I believe I might have been 7 at the time and he in his early twenties. I don't remember his face, he was my brother's best friend.
Oddly enough, my brother's were each only half brothers and prior to my parents (who had me after their previous marragies and perspective children)meeting, both of my brothers knew and were friends with this gentlemen, his named was Jason.
My dad spoke highly of Jason, having known him since he was just a kid, probably 5 or 6. My mom also knew Jason since he was young, because he went to the same school as one of my brothers in Arizona. My mom was best friends with Jasons mom in fact, but she had her reservations about Jason.
I heard about Jason all the time. As I grew up in California, where the family had moved to from Arizona I quickly realized that Jason was quite a character. Gossip about drug problems, family debauchery and idiosyncracies stirred over the years. I can recall a day when my parents regretfully talked about Jason's latest, he had driven himself into a tree and was very hurt. It was thought that the accident was no accident and in fact an attempt at suicide.
Family members of mine were very sad, both of my brothers from my mom and my dad rememberd fond things about Jason. Jason wasn't dead yet, but people always talked about him as if he was a "higher being". The ominous Jason lived on for years, he was an accomplished writer, a perscription pill popper and a "mama's boy."
I always wondered about Jason and several opportunities for me to meet him arose, but unfortunately he was absent. Years passed.
I visited my mom who had moved to back to Arizona in 2010, and I started a late night conversation asking her about Jason. After all, over so many years I wanted to meet him; simply to put a name with the face.
My mom and I ended up talking for hours, about Jason's mom, his past and what he was like. Somehow I was fascinated, thinking "wow, this Jason character is so interesting." Jason's dad was a doctor and his mom a typical nurse, or doctors wife who had become addicted to perscription pills. Jason was obviously a silver spoon and my mom touted his excellent choice in wardrobe from Saks Fifth Avenue.
A few weeks pass and coincidently to my drawn out conversation with my mom, my dad recieves an e-mail from Jason's address explaining that Jason had died. My dad was devastated, he held Jason on such a pedastal and on top of it, my dad's a very sentimental guy. My mom was saddened, as were my brothers, and sister who dated Jason briefly in the 90's.
My dad e-mailed "Jason's wife", who had sent the letter explainig "her husbands" death. There was no response until one day when my dad got an e-mail that was bittersweet.
The e-mail confessed that Jason afterall was not dead, that he was alive but had been physically altered by his former accident and a cancerous tumor as we understand it; leaving him with only one leg and a prosthetic. Jason explained how he felt, that he couldn't live anymore and compared the feeling to that of not being able to be a "real man", or "play catch" with a son. Jason explained that he didn't have a wife at all, and that it was all a staged plan that he was very remorseful for. He just didn't want to go on any longer in this world.
My dad accepted the apology and forwarded the e-mail to everyone in the family, including me. Although I never quite knew Jason at this point I knew a whole lot about him. And at this moment as I sit here, drinking a Sparks Beer Engergy Drinki because my life just doesn't seem right, then I realize that he is living with a tortured soul.
My life isn't tortured. Sure, I'm sad. Things aren't going the way I wish they were. I don't have a relationship. I used to be in love and now I have casual sex and conversations with my ex. But it's all meaningless and that's exactly how my life feels.
I was on FaceBook this evening, trying to pass the time as my plans for an exciting evening of course, fell through. I stumbled upon the FaceBook profile my sister set up for Jason, to which she added me (for him). My sister and Jason ended up becoming an item after the "death scare", they had been in love but were prohibited from carrying on with the relationship because Jason's mom originally didn't like her. I guess Jason's mom has changed her tune these days.
On Jason's FaceBook he has only 5 friends, including me. There are two pictures, and in both pictures his hair covers his eyes. The picture is worth a million words, but has no caption, because it doesn't need one. This long introduction isn't even needed compared to the picture on Jason's FaceBook, they speak volumes to how he feels about his life, himself and what he wants people to see. My dad, barely able to use FaceBook comments "I need a picture of this handsome young man", this was yet another thing my dad always raved "Jason could be in movies," he would say.
So for a moment I think I have it pretty bad, but I look at Jason's FaceBook, a man I still have not met and I know that life is worth living and I'm happy to have all my limbs. Because without a limb I couldn't imagine how hard my day would be on top of all the other bullshit I'm bound to deal with.
Oddly enough, my brother's were each only half brothers and prior to my parents (who had me after their previous marragies and perspective children)meeting, both of my brothers knew and were friends with this gentlemen, his named was Jason.
My dad spoke highly of Jason, having known him since he was just a kid, probably 5 or 6. My mom also knew Jason since he was young, because he went to the same school as one of my brothers in Arizona. My mom was best friends with Jasons mom in fact, but she had her reservations about Jason.
I heard about Jason all the time. As I grew up in California, where the family had moved to from Arizona I quickly realized that Jason was quite a character. Gossip about drug problems, family debauchery and idiosyncracies stirred over the years. I can recall a day when my parents regretfully talked about Jason's latest, he had driven himself into a tree and was very hurt. It was thought that the accident was no accident and in fact an attempt at suicide.
Family members of mine were very sad, both of my brothers from my mom and my dad rememberd fond things about Jason. Jason wasn't dead yet, but people always talked about him as if he was a "higher being". The ominous Jason lived on for years, he was an accomplished writer, a perscription pill popper and a "mama's boy."
I always wondered about Jason and several opportunities for me to meet him arose, but unfortunately he was absent. Years passed.
I visited my mom who had moved to back to Arizona in 2010, and I started a late night conversation asking her about Jason. After all, over so many years I wanted to meet him; simply to put a name with the face.
My mom and I ended up talking for hours, about Jason's mom, his past and what he was like. Somehow I was fascinated, thinking "wow, this Jason character is so interesting." Jason's dad was a doctor and his mom a typical nurse, or doctors wife who had become addicted to perscription pills. Jason was obviously a silver spoon and my mom touted his excellent choice in wardrobe from Saks Fifth Avenue.
A few weeks pass and coincidently to my drawn out conversation with my mom, my dad recieves an e-mail from Jason's address explaining that Jason had died. My dad was devastated, he held Jason on such a pedastal and on top of it, my dad's a very sentimental guy. My mom was saddened, as were my brothers, and sister who dated Jason briefly in the 90's.
My dad e-mailed "Jason's wife", who had sent the letter explainig "her husbands" death. There was no response until one day when my dad got an e-mail that was bittersweet.
The e-mail confessed that Jason afterall was not dead, that he was alive but had been physically altered by his former accident and a cancerous tumor as we understand it; leaving him with only one leg and a prosthetic. Jason explained how he felt, that he couldn't live anymore and compared the feeling to that of not being able to be a "real man", or "play catch" with a son. Jason explained that he didn't have a wife at all, and that it was all a staged plan that he was very remorseful for. He just didn't want to go on any longer in this world.
My dad accepted the apology and forwarded the e-mail to everyone in the family, including me. Although I never quite knew Jason at this point I knew a whole lot about him. And at this moment as I sit here, drinking a Sparks Beer Engergy Drinki because my life just doesn't seem right, then I realize that he is living with a tortured soul.
My life isn't tortured. Sure, I'm sad. Things aren't going the way I wish they were. I don't have a relationship. I used to be in love and now I have casual sex and conversations with my ex. But it's all meaningless and that's exactly how my life feels.
I was on FaceBook this evening, trying to pass the time as my plans for an exciting evening of course, fell through. I stumbled upon the FaceBook profile my sister set up for Jason, to which she added me (for him). My sister and Jason ended up becoming an item after the "death scare", they had been in love but were prohibited from carrying on with the relationship because Jason's mom originally didn't like her. I guess Jason's mom has changed her tune these days.
On Jason's FaceBook he has only 5 friends, including me. There are two pictures, and in both pictures his hair covers his eyes. The picture is worth a million words, but has no caption, because it doesn't need one. This long introduction isn't even needed compared to the picture on Jason's FaceBook, they speak volumes to how he feels about his life, himself and what he wants people to see. My dad, barely able to use FaceBook comments "I need a picture of this handsome young man", this was yet another thing my dad always raved "Jason could be in movies," he would say.
So for a moment I think I have it pretty bad, but I look at Jason's FaceBook, a man I still have not met and I know that life is worth living and I'm happy to have all my limbs. Because without a limb I couldn't imagine how hard my day would be on top of all the other bullshit I'm bound to deal with.