two jokes
Last week I stood in line at a store. There was some snag with the customer at the register, and so I resigned myself to a longer-than-usual wait. The man behind me saw me craning my neck and laughed, and I explained that I was looking for the sign that sometimes stood around the corner with some jokes written on it.
"Do you have a joke?" I asked. He thought about it, then regretfully said that he couldn't think of one. Neither could I (well, actually I thought of a couple of racist ones, which I would not re-tell except under unusual circumstances, such as the time my student was soliciting racist jokes for her anthropology professor's research project). We still made pleasant small talk that helped the time to pass, but I have since considered this a situation that must be rectified -- I should know a joke that I can tell in public.
Joke #1:
A couple who have been lovingly married for 50 years are hungry for a late night snack. Per usual, the husband makes the pair a sandwich with a demi-baguette. He toasts, butters, and lays the ingredients down just the way they both like it, and then slices the sandwich into four pieces, putting the crusty ends on the plate for his sweetheart and the bready center slices on his own plate.
"Thank you, darling, this is delicious," praises the wife. The husband beams. But after a few moments the wife could no longer hold in her long time grievance.
"I just wish, just once, that you would give me the soft center slices! When I make the sandwiches I save them for you, but when you make them, you always keep them for yourself! You might think I haven't noticed, but it's been 50 years and it's time to speak up!"
The husband stammered in shock and dismay, "But I give you the crusty bits because they're my favorite!"
Moral: Eat your favorites first.
Joke #2:
A young couple in the first flushes of incoherent love spoons on a picnic blanket under the cloudless sky.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: With all my heart!
Girl: Would you love me if I weren't pretty?
Boy: I love you no matter what you look like!
Girl: Will you love me after I die?
Boy: Forever! Mere death is no obstacle to my love!
Girl: Even if I lost my mind, and became the opposite of the me you know?
Boy: But of course! Nothing in the world can change my love for you!
Girl: Then what is it about ME that you love anyway?!
Moral: Recognize trick questions.
Actually, I think these two jokes might serve as koans for my life, as Alvy Singer's jokes about life as a bad restaurant and the man who thinks he's a chicken do in Annie Hall.
"Do you have a joke?" I asked. He thought about it, then regretfully said that he couldn't think of one. Neither could I (well, actually I thought of a couple of racist ones, which I would not re-tell except under unusual circumstances, such as the time my student was soliciting racist jokes for her anthropology professor's research project). We still made pleasant small talk that helped the time to pass, but I have since considered this a situation that must be rectified -- I should know a joke that I can tell in public.
Joke #1:
A couple who have been lovingly married for 50 years are hungry for a late night snack. Per usual, the husband makes the pair a sandwich with a demi-baguette. He toasts, butters, and lays the ingredients down just the way they both like it, and then slices the sandwich into four pieces, putting the crusty ends on the plate for his sweetheart and the bready center slices on his own plate.
"Thank you, darling, this is delicious," praises the wife. The husband beams. But after a few moments the wife could no longer hold in her long time grievance.
"I just wish, just once, that you would give me the soft center slices! When I make the sandwiches I save them for you, but when you make them, you always keep them for yourself! You might think I haven't noticed, but it's been 50 years and it's time to speak up!"
The husband stammered in shock and dismay, "But I give you the crusty bits because they're my favorite!"
Moral: Eat your favorites first.
Joke #2:
A young couple in the first flushes of incoherent love spoons on a picnic blanket under the cloudless sky.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: With all my heart!
Girl: Would you love me if I weren't pretty?
Boy: I love you no matter what you look like!
Girl: Will you love me after I die?
Boy: Forever! Mere death is no obstacle to my love!
Girl: Even if I lost my mind, and became the opposite of the me you know?
Boy: But of course! Nothing in the world can change my love for you!
Girl: Then what is it about ME that you love anyway?!
Moral: Recognize trick questions.
Actually, I think these two jokes might serve as koans for my life, as Alvy Singer's jokes about life as a bad restaurant and the man who thinks he's a chicken do in Annie Hall.