(Untitled)
Catching my reflection in the mirror to my right, seeing my face parsed into Picasso-esque pieces: cheeks and chin out of proportion, eyes pasted on at random. At long last, I was completely alone.
- Hornbacher, WastedI have a vague understanding of what I look like, but I am unable to get a sense of the bigger picture. I agree and disagree with ( Read more... )
- Hornbacher, WastedI have a vague understanding of what I look like, but I am unable to get a sense of the bigger picture. I agree and disagree with ( Read more... )
I imagine most people must look at themselves and feel some sense of ownership. I get no such feeling. I view my body as an ectoplasmic entity, immaterial, prone to metamorphosis, only vaguely recognizable at times. I dress it up, or not, depending on my mood. I wear make-up, or not, depending on my mood. I may succumb to moments of intense femininity, which may lean toward innocent or provocative, depending on my mood. I may do none of this, opting for a thick, gray hoodie and a bowed head that hides my entire identity.
When I'm dressed up, outsiders often get false impressions (probably based on certain archaic ideas regarding women and appearance). I know many people of both genders who associate a "nice-looking woman" with a confident woman, and by extension they'd never guess I'd have such massive issues with displacement, dissociation and "no-self-esteem". Yet I do. And my outer appearance -- whatever I may do to it on any give day -- bears no relation. If I bother to get dressed up its never because I've a secure sense of "self"; it's because I view my body as an amorphous slab of clay that I wish to sculpt artistically. Which is just more evidence that I tend to objectify myself, and in the most bizarre ways.
People seem to be staring at me all the time and it makes me feel terribly uneasy. I wish people on the street would stop eyeing me like a piece of prize meat."
Oh, I cannot stand being stared at. Perhaps there is some part of me that -- as it feels like a ghost -- wishes to be treated like one as well. Some days I'd like to just waft through life and not be noticed. Then, I'd not have to worry about the harsh glare of public vituperation ... the unearthed embarrassment of general acceptance... the worries that come with neutral reception...
And I've had around two hours of sleep --- on the verge of falling asleep on this keyboard as we speak --- so I hope I'm sounding at least mildly coherent... In any event, you're in my thoughts. Thought provoking, as always. <3
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May I ask how your eating disorder "started"? I think I actively started trying to lose weight in part because I wanted my body to match my mind--or perhaps vice versa; I wanted to appear ascetic, lean, hawkish, which was the sort of temperament I craved. Yet at the same time it was in part wanting to match a mental image of myself to the real thing; and I felt that my facial features (which are dark and somewhat forbidding) should match a gaunt body. So with your eating disorder, are you trying to erase your physical self or are you trying to alter it in some way but keep it. Or something else.
You are always coherent, but it wouldn't really matter whether you are or not, because my philosophy is that meaning can be derived from anything, even if the original intention was to communicate a different kind of meaning.
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