I wish things i said meant something.
So i've not really looked at shit that i've written, but i have noticed that most of it matters only to me. which is dumb. the world is much larger than that and i am not all that important in the grand scheme of things.
Throughout the years I have made a gazillion goals for myself, many of them for 'the greater good' and some of them being incredibly selfish.
the past 2 years of my life have been incredibly fucked up concerning who i am as a person. I lost a lot of who i was in various relationships, over time and through complete denial. I, my friends, have essentially turned my back on who and what i was. I fucked up. hardcore.
I remember talking to Nick, reading crimethinc listening to Deathcab and thinking how great the world would be 'if'. I was so alive with a revolutionary spirit. I wanted to change everything for everyone, feed the poor clothe the naked. and then i stopped.
one day i fell in love with this guy who was the total opposite of me, and i tried to justify it to myself. I even, at times, pretended that in some crazy way, we were exactly alike. I let go of everything. I in essence became everything i hated.
I forgot that the diamonds in the ring i wore cost lives of innocent people. I forgot that the shoes I was buying probably came from some sweatshop driven by horrible american corporations. and it's not even so much that i forgot. I knew, I just didn't want to accept that I knew.
I was this bright-eyed girl who wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to build houses and right all the social wrongs. I wanted there to be fodd enough for everyone. I wanted to be a catalyst.
fuck, i wanted to change everything and make everything better, because thas what i do, i make everything better. But i flet like i couldn't do it. I felt like nothing I would do could possibly make a difference so i became complacent and stupid as fuck.
so I guess this is me accepting and openly admitting that i was wrong.
but this is what i'm doing.
the plan is to spend my summer doing something meaningful and worthwhile. i havent exactly figured out what that is yet, but i'm working on it.
should i decide to go to college next year i plan to study textlie design in effort to create awesomematerials that are environmentall and economicly awesome so that i can clothe every fucking one. Ambitious, i know.
also, should i decide to take a year off from school, i promise myself that at least half of it will be spent in service to humanity.
i fucked up hardcore self, i'm sorry.
by the by, theres a sale at the GAP this weekend, I'll see you there!
Throughout the years I have made a gazillion goals for myself, many of them for 'the greater good' and some of them being incredibly selfish.
the past 2 years of my life have been incredibly fucked up concerning who i am as a person. I lost a lot of who i was in various relationships, over time and through complete denial. I, my friends, have essentially turned my back on who and what i was. I fucked up. hardcore.
I remember talking to Nick, reading crimethinc listening to Deathcab and thinking how great the world would be 'if'. I was so alive with a revolutionary spirit. I wanted to change everything for everyone, feed the poor clothe the naked. and then i stopped.
one day i fell in love with this guy who was the total opposite of me, and i tried to justify it to myself. I even, at times, pretended that in some crazy way, we were exactly alike. I let go of everything. I in essence became everything i hated.
I forgot that the diamonds in the ring i wore cost lives of innocent people. I forgot that the shoes I was buying probably came from some sweatshop driven by horrible american corporations. and it's not even so much that i forgot. I knew, I just didn't want to accept that I knew.
I was this bright-eyed girl who wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to build houses and right all the social wrongs. I wanted there to be fodd enough for everyone. I wanted to be a catalyst.
fuck, i wanted to change everything and make everything better, because thas what i do, i make everything better. But i flet like i couldn't do it. I felt like nothing I would do could possibly make a difference so i became complacent and stupid as fuck.
so I guess this is me accepting and openly admitting that i was wrong.
but this is what i'm doing.
the plan is to spend my summer doing something meaningful and worthwhile. i havent exactly figured out what that is yet, but i'm working on it.
should i decide to go to college next year i plan to study textlie design in effort to create awesomematerials that are environmentall and economicly awesome so that i can clothe every fucking one. Ambitious, i know.
also, should i decide to take a year off from school, i promise myself that at least half of it will be spent in service to humanity.
i fucked up hardcore self, i'm sorry.
by the by, theres a sale at the GAP this weekend, I'll see you there!