[for those of you who, like me, loathe twilight]
TWILIGHT BY THE NUMBERS: Breaks down the ridiculous. Such as the fact that in a 498 page book, the author reminds us that Edward is beautiful 165 times. That's once every three pages with only three pages to spare.
HEAD TRIP COMICS: Please be sure to notice the sparkle.
And the brilliant ever-growing joy that is GROWING UP CULLEN. Honestly, the book series may be the worst thing ever published, but this makes it worth it all on its own.
In which Edward learns to knit ugly sweaters (and scrapbook, and read Proust, and build ships in bottles, and clean excessively) because everyone else is busy having sex: EMMETT DO NOT TOUCH MY WINDEX. YOU USED ALL MY FEBREEZE LAST WEEK AND I LET IT GO BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH. I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN.
In which Emmett shows Edward porn: OPRAH WOULD NOT TOLERATE SUCH BEHAVIOR. YES I AM DOING THAT "EMO BULLSHIT" I CAN FEEL IF I WANT TO.
In which Edward makes a laundry schedule, Emmett threatens to call Chris Hansen over Jacob macking on the baby, Woodstock (Edward calls it "the dark time"), and the Cullens & Bella are on The Real World: FOR AN HOUR, I JUST DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE PEDO, OR THE BABY, OR BELLA'S LOVE SHIELD, OK, LATER ON, WE CAN DO THE WHOLE BRANDY BUNCH THING.
In which Edward's stalkery aspects are explored. Such as tracking Bella's period via little pink heart stickers on his calendar. And his time in South America during New Moon is considered: he's like chilling, sparkling, under a mango tree in the amazon, hoping to get eaten by a snake or whatever. "I AM A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF SADNESS. I DESERVE NO LESS THAN TO BE STRANGLED BY THIS ANACONDA."
HEAD TRIP COMICS: Please be sure to notice the sparkle.
And the brilliant ever-growing joy that is GROWING UP CULLEN. Honestly, the book series may be the worst thing ever published, but this makes it worth it all on its own.
In which Edward learns to knit ugly sweaters (and scrapbook, and read Proust, and build ships in bottles, and clean excessively) because everyone else is busy having sex: EMMETT DO NOT TOUCH MY WINDEX. YOU USED ALL MY FEBREEZE LAST WEEK AND I LET IT GO BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH. I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN.
In which Emmett shows Edward porn: OPRAH WOULD NOT TOLERATE SUCH BEHAVIOR. YES I AM DOING THAT "EMO BULLSHIT" I CAN FEEL IF I WANT TO.
In which Edward makes a laundry schedule, Emmett threatens to call Chris Hansen over Jacob macking on the baby, Woodstock (Edward calls it "the dark time"), and the Cullens & Bella are on The Real World: FOR AN HOUR, I JUST DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE PEDO, OR THE BABY, OR BELLA'S LOVE SHIELD, OK, LATER ON, WE CAN DO THE WHOLE BRANDY BUNCH THING.
In which Edward's stalkery aspects are explored. Such as tracking Bella's period via little pink heart stickers on his calendar. And his time in South America during New Moon is considered: he's like chilling, sparkling, under a mango tree in the amazon, hoping to get eaten by a snake or whatever. "I AM A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF SADNESS. I DESERVE NO LESS THAN TO BE STRANGLED BY THIS ANACONDA."