battered and broken, i've hit the bottom
Last night was by far one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. I couldn't fall asleep and when I did get into bed I tossed and turned. I was hot and cold, my blankets made my skin itch, every little noise made me jump. I finally fell asleep for an hour, but now I have to get ready for class. I'm not sure if I was dreaming at all, but I feel like something terrible is going to happen today.
I know something terrible is going to happen today.
I had such an amazing time while I was at home. For the first time in the last few years I just really let go. I let myself have a truly good time. I was selfish and stupid. I spent too much money, I stayed up too late. I wasn't concerned with bills or college or health or anything. Just being in the moment. Being happy.
I know I'm being foolish. I did worry while I was at home, but I didn't feel like I do right now. I'm having flashbacks to spring of 2008. Nothing is going the way it should. I've applied for as many jobs as I can think of -- I can't find one. I've applied for financial aid and done all the paperwork and corrections -- I don't have any. I have a bill to Pitt right now for almost 8,000 dollars. I owe Jami $100 for house bills. My cellphone is going to get turned off within the next two months if I don't pay it. I'm at a loss as to how I can fix any of this. I did all the paperwork I was supposed to. I applied for the no-brainer jobs I see people without teeth working. I want to finish college. I don't want to take another semester or year off. I can't imagine being in Pittsburgh any longer. I hate it here. Especially right now. Fun parties and smoke and a chat isn't enough. I know though that this afternoon I'm going to go to financial aid and they're going to tell me I'm not eligible for any aid. That I can't file as an independent, that my mother and I made too much money last year. It doesn't matter that between my house bills and student loan payments that I had a disposable income of 100 dollars for the year. That I did without. That my mother is in so much debt that it doesn't really matter how much money she makes, it won't help. That all I want is to be in control of my life again. To be a college graduate. To be able to move on from this fucked up lifestyle.
I don't understand when things got like this again. I was doing so well. Or at least I had convinced myself that I was doing better. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to cry. Like I'm going to break something.
I'm bitter that I saw families dropping off freshmen in the quad. I'm bitter that people took vacations this summer. I'm bitter that people are in love. I'm bitter that I can't just make everything better.
I'm supposed to be the strong one. I've always somehow managed. I'm just so defeated...
I feel like I don't have a future.
I know something terrible is going to happen today.
I had such an amazing time while I was at home. For the first time in the last few years I just really let go. I let myself have a truly good time. I was selfish and stupid. I spent too much money, I stayed up too late. I wasn't concerned with bills or college or health or anything. Just being in the moment. Being happy.
I know I'm being foolish. I did worry while I was at home, but I didn't feel like I do right now. I'm having flashbacks to spring of 2008. Nothing is going the way it should. I've applied for as many jobs as I can think of -- I can't find one. I've applied for financial aid and done all the paperwork and corrections -- I don't have any. I have a bill to Pitt right now for almost 8,000 dollars. I owe Jami $100 for house bills. My cellphone is going to get turned off within the next two months if I don't pay it. I'm at a loss as to how I can fix any of this. I did all the paperwork I was supposed to. I applied for the no-brainer jobs I see people without teeth working. I want to finish college. I don't want to take another semester or year off. I can't imagine being in Pittsburgh any longer. I hate it here. Especially right now. Fun parties and smoke and a chat isn't enough. I know though that this afternoon I'm going to go to financial aid and they're going to tell me I'm not eligible for any aid. That I can't file as an independent, that my mother and I made too much money last year. It doesn't matter that between my house bills and student loan payments that I had a disposable income of 100 dollars for the year. That I did without. That my mother is in so much debt that it doesn't really matter how much money she makes, it won't help. That all I want is to be in control of my life again. To be a college graduate. To be able to move on from this fucked up lifestyle.
I don't understand when things got like this again. I was doing so well. Or at least I had convinced myself that I was doing better. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to cry. Like I'm going to break something.
I'm bitter that I saw families dropping off freshmen in the quad. I'm bitter that people took vacations this summer. I'm bitter that people are in love. I'm bitter that I can't just make everything better.
I'm supposed to be the strong one. I've always somehow managed. I'm just so defeated...
I feel like I don't have a future.