Goals
I starting writing this last month but didn't finish it for some reason.
Goals for 2006
1. Finish at least one piece of art a month.
Doing well with this so far, last month I did the first of the Penitent performances, but I never got round to telling you about it. Anyway, I performed Penitent: Glass at the first of my friend Elly's performance evenings and it went down very well. The audience was great, there were about 25 people there and they were totally quiet, still and focused on me. Apparently it was very tense for those watching it but I managed to get very into my own space and I was really calm and focused on what I was doing. I was so proud of myself for getting so deeply into my performing space because it's something I've always struggled with in the past and this was the first time that I really felt I was projecting major presence.
I was sitting on a chair barefoot in my white performing dress, holding the piece of picture glass in my hand. I held it on the edges with my bare hands and bent it. It seemed to take an age to break and for a moment I thought it wouldn't go and then it went suddenly with the most enormous huge crack. I was ecstatic at the sound as it was that moment of sudden, shocking noise that I was really interested in and that I felt was the whole point of the piece. I then broke the individual bits into smaller and smaller bits until I couldn't break anymore. The glass flew everywhere. At one point I looked down and thought "oh, blood". Although I couldn't feel it at all at the time, I found afterwards that I'd cut myself in four places, fortunately none of them were deep. At the end I just stood up, shook my hands to get the glass off (and in the hope that a few blood drops would spray off although sadly they didn't) and then walked out of the room over the broken glass on the floor. It was fucking fantastic and I was as high as a kite afterwards. I'd forgotten how buzzed performing makes me.
I've got some digital photos but you can't really see what's going on at all, Elly is going to send me a copy of her video of the event and I'm hoping I'll get some useable images from that. Plus I've got some slides still in my camera that might be better than the digital ones, although I'm doubtful because the moments of breaking were so sudden.
So that was last month's artwork, although I will probably need to redo it in my basement with better photography because I'm imagining the finished series as being a set of large photos and/or videos where appropriate and maybe some relics in little cases, like the blooded plasters from my finger.
Obviously I will get Scatter finished this month as well as the new drawings, I hope. For the rest of the year I have a whole heap of stuff planned already, including all the Penitent performances.
2. Get a website up
This was on last year's list but I really, really mean to do it this year. No really, I do!
3. Apply to the AXIS website
I believe this was also on last year's list. Ah well.
4. Spend more time with the Kidlet
If he'll let me, he's more interested in spending his time hidden away in his bedroom at the moment. Since he's 13 now we're not asking what exactly he's up to in there, although he mostly seems to be impersonating lawyers in an online game. I actually find this more worrying than the thought of masturbation but that's hippy parents for you!
5. Get down to a size 16
Ha, it is to laugh. Actually, I have been losing a bit of weight and I have very gently been looking at my relationship with eating, in particular my sugar and chocolate habit. I've not been so good this last week, but since I've had PMT and serious deadline stress, that's hardly surprising. Whatever I do, I'm still gonna be a fat girl but I need to prioritise my health and part of that is losing a little bit of weight. Overall, if it's a choice between the two things then I'd rather stay this size than be the fat hating/self hating person I was in my teens and early 20's but I'm hoping I can find a middle way that allows me to lose weight in a positive self loving kind of way. Does any of that make sense?
6. Pay off a third of my overdraft - i.e £500
This is feeling more achievable than it was a few weeks ago when I was feeling impossibly poor and very depressed about it. Have decided to stop using my debit card and my overdrawn account and to only use cash for the next few months. For historical reasons I have two bank accounts (opened a new one as a student and never got round to closing the old one down and then found it was actually quite handy to have a secondary one), so I'm thinking of using the small amount of money that already goes into the secondary account as my monthly spending money and putting the rest of my monthly money into the main overdrawn account. The direct debits will still come off the main account but other than that I will leave it alone and let the money build up in it. I have no idea if I can make this work but think it's worth a shot. I've realised in the last few weeks that I need to do a lot more thinking and reading about abundance. I've got much better in the last year at realising when I'm buying things because I think I need them rather than because I really do need them but I still need to do even more work on this. I can feel that there's still lots of letting go that needs to happen. Fortunately I have a good money book to read that explores a lot of the emotional stuff around money. Oh, and I've just cancelled my gym membership since I haven't been well enough to use it in months and it's pointless holding onto it in the hope that I will miraculously and suddenly become well enough.
7. Work on my health
Pretty self explanatory but undoubtedly this will be the hardest thing on the list. Getting regular massages is helping a great deal and I love my massage therapist, she's very positive, supportive and loving and doesn't make me feel guilty for not being better yet, which a lot of alternative therapists have done in the past. And I'm waiting to be referred to the Chronic Fatigue Clinic, which should happen sometime in the spring/early summer. In the meantime, I'm taking my meds and vitamins and trying to get my sleep sorted out. I plan on taking most of April off. I'll be going up to Scotland and it'll be the Easter holidays so I'm not taking any bookings for anything major. I'll probably take most of March off too although I'm hoping to get some good solid studio time in.
Goals for 2006
1. Finish at least one piece of art a month.
Doing well with this so far, last month I did the first of the Penitent performances, but I never got round to telling you about it. Anyway, I performed Penitent: Glass at the first of my friend Elly's performance evenings and it went down very well. The audience was great, there were about 25 people there and they were totally quiet, still and focused on me. Apparently it was very tense for those watching it but I managed to get very into my own space and I was really calm and focused on what I was doing. I was so proud of myself for getting so deeply into my performing space because it's something I've always struggled with in the past and this was the first time that I really felt I was projecting major presence.
I was sitting on a chair barefoot in my white performing dress, holding the piece of picture glass in my hand. I held it on the edges with my bare hands and bent it. It seemed to take an age to break and for a moment I thought it wouldn't go and then it went suddenly with the most enormous huge crack. I was ecstatic at the sound as it was that moment of sudden, shocking noise that I was really interested in and that I felt was the whole point of the piece. I then broke the individual bits into smaller and smaller bits until I couldn't break anymore. The glass flew everywhere. At one point I looked down and thought "oh, blood". Although I couldn't feel it at all at the time, I found afterwards that I'd cut myself in four places, fortunately none of them were deep. At the end I just stood up, shook my hands to get the glass off (and in the hope that a few blood drops would spray off although sadly they didn't) and then walked out of the room over the broken glass on the floor. It was fucking fantastic and I was as high as a kite afterwards. I'd forgotten how buzzed performing makes me.
I've got some digital photos but you can't really see what's going on at all, Elly is going to send me a copy of her video of the event and I'm hoping I'll get some useable images from that. Plus I've got some slides still in my camera that might be better than the digital ones, although I'm doubtful because the moments of breaking were so sudden.
So that was last month's artwork, although I will probably need to redo it in my basement with better photography because I'm imagining the finished series as being a set of large photos and/or videos where appropriate and maybe some relics in little cases, like the blooded plasters from my finger.
Obviously I will get Scatter finished this month as well as the new drawings, I hope. For the rest of the year I have a whole heap of stuff planned already, including all the Penitent performances.
2. Get a website up
This was on last year's list but I really, really mean to do it this year. No really, I do!
3. Apply to the AXIS website
I believe this was also on last year's list. Ah well.
4. Spend more time with the Kidlet
If he'll let me, he's more interested in spending his time hidden away in his bedroom at the moment. Since he's 13 now we're not asking what exactly he's up to in there, although he mostly seems to be impersonating lawyers in an online game. I actually find this more worrying than the thought of masturbation but that's hippy parents for you!
5. Get down to a size 16
Ha, it is to laugh. Actually, I have been losing a bit of weight and I have very gently been looking at my relationship with eating, in particular my sugar and chocolate habit. I've not been so good this last week, but since I've had PMT and serious deadline stress, that's hardly surprising. Whatever I do, I'm still gonna be a fat girl but I need to prioritise my health and part of that is losing a little bit of weight. Overall, if it's a choice between the two things then I'd rather stay this size than be the fat hating/self hating person I was in my teens and early 20's but I'm hoping I can find a middle way that allows me to lose weight in a positive self loving kind of way. Does any of that make sense?
6. Pay off a third of my overdraft - i.e £500
This is feeling more achievable than it was a few weeks ago when I was feeling impossibly poor and very depressed about it. Have decided to stop using my debit card and my overdrawn account and to only use cash for the next few months. For historical reasons I have two bank accounts (opened a new one as a student and never got round to closing the old one down and then found it was actually quite handy to have a secondary one), so I'm thinking of using the small amount of money that already goes into the secondary account as my monthly spending money and putting the rest of my monthly money into the main overdrawn account. The direct debits will still come off the main account but other than that I will leave it alone and let the money build up in it. I have no idea if I can make this work but think it's worth a shot. I've realised in the last few weeks that I need to do a lot more thinking and reading about abundance. I've got much better in the last year at realising when I'm buying things because I think I need them rather than because I really do need them but I still need to do even more work on this. I can feel that there's still lots of letting go that needs to happen. Fortunately I have a good money book to read that explores a lot of the emotional stuff around money. Oh, and I've just cancelled my gym membership since I haven't been well enough to use it in months and it's pointless holding onto it in the hope that I will miraculously and suddenly become well enough.
7. Work on my health
Pretty self explanatory but undoubtedly this will be the hardest thing on the list. Getting regular massages is helping a great deal and I love my massage therapist, she's very positive, supportive and loving and doesn't make me feel guilty for not being better yet, which a lot of alternative therapists have done in the past. And I'm waiting to be referred to the Chronic Fatigue Clinic, which should happen sometime in the spring/early summer. In the meantime, I'm taking my meds and vitamins and trying to get my sleep sorted out. I plan on taking most of April off. I'll be going up to Scotland and it'll be the Easter holidays so I'm not taking any bookings for anything major. I'll probably take most of March off too although I'm hoping to get some good solid studio time in.