And how I despise myself!

[fragilesun]

I don't know why, but I feel like I just got kicked in the face. I was talking to Brian, and he casually mentioned the current chick he is dating again, but this time...this time it irked me somewhere deep inside. I could envision him chillin w her and what not. I thought I was ok, but then Shaun comes on and says stupid shit to me too and it just sent me over. I'm fucking sobbing. I dunno why. I guess I've just been trying so hard to be perfect and have everything together in school and work and my social life. I'm just too fucking nice, and I'm tired of pretending. No, I'm not 100% cool w what happened w Brian. I'm almost there..like 95%, but def not 100. And, no, I'm not 100% cool w ur shit either, Shaun. And I have been trying so hard to be nice to you and cheerful instead of a depressing jerk, which apparently is what I used to be according to Liz. I really have been trying so hard to be a nice, happy, upstanding citizen of the community ever since Dave got busted, and yet Shaun still gets mad at me for being "mean" sometimes and says I'm not nice. How much nicer can I get??? I practically ooze sweetness! What do u want from me????!! Damn. And all he fucking does is mindfuck w me. I love you, I hate you, I want to fuck u, etc. But you didn't now, did u. The way u talk to me..just like every other female u play. Hey, baby, I miss you. You could say that to a plastic mannequin and still make it sound believable. I don't think he really cares about me that much.

And my love life...fuckin cursed. Just filled w random assholes I meet who want to rape me.

Maybe this is just cuz of the E I took last weekend. My seratonin levels prolly arn't at my normal level yet, but I just need some fuckin love...and not just the physical kind. *cries* Sometimes guys just make me feel so shitty.

"Dry your eyes, mate. I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, but ya got to walk away now. It's over."-The Streets/"Dry Your Eyes"