(no subject)
If, as a good friend of mine has suggested, all depression is merely due to lack of sleep... then why, after getting at least 8 hours every night for my entire winter break, do I wake up feeling this way day after day? I'm not saying that I'm "depressed" in the predictable sense. I'm not laying in bed, crying and binging on Hagen Daazs... but rather, I seem to have this inpenetrable cloud hanging over me, the result being me here, at this desk, in front of this computer. All day.
Granted, I can think of plenty of things to worry about... money, school, money and school, balancing study with a part time job and my two singing jobs, money, my health (or lack thereof), my relationship, money. It just seems that all I do is sit here, daytime television blaring in the background, fretting about everything but dealing with none of it. Of course, it doesn't help that right now I'm penniless, and basically stuck in my house, because any of the friends I may have wanted to see are in new Jersey, and I have no car. I know all these things sound so trite and average, but to me these are the thoughts that torment me all day.
Problem number one. Money (did I mention that yet?). Last summer, as I was preparing to go back to school, Brett assured me that he would be getting a better-paying job, so I could go to school and not worry about working. As time passed, and no job came, I applied frantically for an extra loan to cover our living expenses during the schoolyear. The money (I won't say how much)should have more than covered everything... but then, of course, everyday things come up... we needed a new computer, because the laptop crashed, countless car problems, things for the house. Now, I know we spent much of it on things that weren't necessary, and every time we tried to put back the money something else came up. Long story short, the money is gone. Brett got a fabulous job, but it's still not as much as we both made combined when I was working full-time. I have singing jobs, but they don't pay enough on their own. So anyway, I have to get a job. I'm not complaining, because I know everyone works their way through school, but I got such fabulous grades last semester because I had the time to devote to studying along with cleaning and cooking, and everything just felt great... there was time for everything. But on the other hand, I think my relationship is deteriorating because Brett feels like he's responsible for everything (even though that was, pretty much his idea in the first place), and he shouldn't be.
Well, I really just needed to write about that and get it out there. Truth be told, a few days ago the thought of getting a job seemed like nothing and the world was grand and my love was in full bloom and nothing could get me down. I suppose we all just have shitty days and nothing can be done until a new day dawns. I suppose I'll just wait it out until tomorrow and see how things feel then. I officially hate this journal entry. But I'm still posting it because free flow of thought can't be totally useless, can it?
Granted, I can think of plenty of things to worry about... money, school, money and school, balancing study with a part time job and my two singing jobs, money, my health (or lack thereof), my relationship, money. It just seems that all I do is sit here, daytime television blaring in the background, fretting about everything but dealing with none of it. Of course, it doesn't help that right now I'm penniless, and basically stuck in my house, because any of the friends I may have wanted to see are in new Jersey, and I have no car. I know all these things sound so trite and average, but to me these are the thoughts that torment me all day.
Problem number one. Money (did I mention that yet?). Last summer, as I was preparing to go back to school, Brett assured me that he would be getting a better-paying job, so I could go to school and not worry about working. As time passed, and no job came, I applied frantically for an extra loan to cover our living expenses during the schoolyear. The money (I won't say how much)should have more than covered everything... but then, of course, everyday things come up... we needed a new computer, because the laptop crashed, countless car problems, things for the house. Now, I know we spent much of it on things that weren't necessary, and every time we tried to put back the money something else came up. Long story short, the money is gone. Brett got a fabulous job, but it's still not as much as we both made combined when I was working full-time. I have singing jobs, but they don't pay enough on their own. So anyway, I have to get a job. I'm not complaining, because I know everyone works their way through school, but I got such fabulous grades last semester because I had the time to devote to studying along with cleaning and cooking, and everything just felt great... there was time for everything. But on the other hand, I think my relationship is deteriorating because Brett feels like he's responsible for everything (even though that was, pretty much his idea in the first place), and he shouldn't be.
Well, I really just needed to write about that and get it out there. Truth be told, a few days ago the thought of getting a job seemed like nothing and the world was grand and my love was in full bloom and nothing could get me down. I suppose we all just have shitty days and nothing can be done until a new day dawns. I suppose I'll just wait it out until tomorrow and see how things feel then. I officially hate this journal entry. But I'm still posting it because free flow of thought can't be totally useless, can it?