So this is Christmas...
I've just learned today that my over-zealous, religiously conservative uncle and aunt will not be coming to the extended family's Christmas gathering this year. Why, you might ask? Do they feel alienated by the rest of their family for their outrageously pathetic religious, social, and political views? No. Have they finally caught wind of what everyone has been saying about them behind their backs for years? No.
Of course not. It has nothing to do with THEM. It would be me. Or, more precisely, Brett and I. Apparently, they just can't condone our relationship, because it is sinful, and although they claim to still love me, they think that I should repent or do whatever it is those bullshit, back-in-the-closet ex gays do to make their unaccepting families happy.
I suppose it goes back to last Christmas, when my parents, my aunts and uncles, and Brett and I decided that we would all buy one small thing for each couple and put it together in a gift basket, so as to save money and not worry about buying something for every single member of the family. It seemed pretty well communicated until we get there to find that... surprise of surprises, Uncle Mark and Aunt Johnna "didn't know" that Brett and I were being included as one of the "families". Well, my mother and I made some sarcastic remarks, loud enough to be heard, and although I hadn't forgotten, I was willing to overlook the incident. After all, they had never actually come out and blatantly SAID anything.
Long story short... Apparently my father received a letter from my Uncle, which was also sent to my other aunts and uncles (apparently he was too much of a pussy to actually send one to me) which explained how he and his family would not be attending the holiday gathering this year because of this "issue" (once again, I'm reduced to an "issue" rather than a person). My father says that in his own twisted way, he thinks Uncle Mark wants to "help" me or some shit. All I know is, all I've ever done was go around talking about what an amazing and accepting family I have. I still do, minus one small, insignificant segment, but that's not the point. The point is, that even with their backwards views, I still lovED them and never expected to experience the kind of rejection and discrimination I experience from the world in general from my own family. My family has always been a sanctuary for me. I warm, loving, nurturing entity that I could envelope myself in. A place I can hide from all the cold and hurtful, scathing things I've experienced in the past. I'm trying my best to be angry and hateful and cover up the hurt with things that feel a lot better.... but the more I sit here alone in my chilly apartment, the more I break down and cry. This is not about doctrine. This is not about religion. And this is most certainly not about god. This is about people, and family, and emotions, and REAL things. Not the aforementioned things that he and his wife fill their meaningless lives with to make themselves feel whole, and as if they actually have identities. Most importantly of all, this is not just about me. This is about my mother and father. My father, who is now pitted between his son and his brother. My sisters. My partner. My grandmother, who ALWAYS tries to keep the peace. My family that is now seemingly torn in two.
I am so tired of "toning down". Toning down my affection for Brett, my political views, my religious thoughts, my highly-opinionated personality. For years, my family gatherings have been full of awkward conversations in which we carefully avoid subjects such as abortion, women in the clergy, homosexuality, our fucking fraud of a president and his rigged election, even the god damned holocaust (yes folks, that's right... my Aunt Johnna actually believed at one point that the holocaust was God's punishment against Jews for not believing in Jesus)... all in respect for THEM. Why? Why do they dictate what the family maturely discusses as adults... oh yes, maybe because THEY can't handle mature adult conversations.
I still don't know who in the family has received these letters. My only fear now is that somehow, someone will convince them to come for Christmas. And although, I know this would not be anyone's intention, I would in some way feel that they had been chosen over me. I realize that he is a brother, an uncle and a son, just as I'm a brother, a cousin, a son and a grandson, but sometimes things are just wrong vs. right (oy, now I sound like him.... but I believe my point is understood). If they are there, Brett and I will not be. Period. My family has just decreased its size. I now have one less Aunt and one less uncle. Merry Christmas
Of course not. It has nothing to do with THEM. It would be me. Or, more precisely, Brett and I. Apparently, they just can't condone our relationship, because it is sinful, and although they claim to still love me, they think that I should repent or do whatever it is those bullshit, back-in-the-closet ex gays do to make their unaccepting families happy.
I suppose it goes back to last Christmas, when my parents, my aunts and uncles, and Brett and I decided that we would all buy one small thing for each couple and put it together in a gift basket, so as to save money and not worry about buying something for every single member of the family. It seemed pretty well communicated until we get there to find that... surprise of surprises, Uncle Mark and Aunt Johnna "didn't know" that Brett and I were being included as one of the "families". Well, my mother and I made some sarcastic remarks, loud enough to be heard, and although I hadn't forgotten, I was willing to overlook the incident. After all, they had never actually come out and blatantly SAID anything.
Long story short... Apparently my father received a letter from my Uncle, which was also sent to my other aunts and uncles (apparently he was too much of a pussy to actually send one to me) which explained how he and his family would not be attending the holiday gathering this year because of this "issue" (once again, I'm reduced to an "issue" rather than a person). My father says that in his own twisted way, he thinks Uncle Mark wants to "help" me or some shit. All I know is, all I've ever done was go around talking about what an amazing and accepting family I have. I still do, minus one small, insignificant segment, but that's not the point. The point is, that even with their backwards views, I still lovED them and never expected to experience the kind of rejection and discrimination I experience from the world in general from my own family. My family has always been a sanctuary for me. I warm, loving, nurturing entity that I could envelope myself in. A place I can hide from all the cold and hurtful, scathing things I've experienced in the past. I'm trying my best to be angry and hateful and cover up the hurt with things that feel a lot better.... but the more I sit here alone in my chilly apartment, the more I break down and cry. This is not about doctrine. This is not about religion. And this is most certainly not about god. This is about people, and family, and emotions, and REAL things. Not the aforementioned things that he and his wife fill their meaningless lives with to make themselves feel whole, and as if they actually have identities. Most importantly of all, this is not just about me. This is about my mother and father. My father, who is now pitted between his son and his brother. My sisters. My partner. My grandmother, who ALWAYS tries to keep the peace. My family that is now seemingly torn in two.
I am so tired of "toning down". Toning down my affection for Brett, my political views, my religious thoughts, my highly-opinionated personality. For years, my family gatherings have been full of awkward conversations in which we carefully avoid subjects such as abortion, women in the clergy, homosexuality, our fucking fraud of a president and his rigged election, even the god damned holocaust (yes folks, that's right... my Aunt Johnna actually believed at one point that the holocaust was God's punishment against Jews for not believing in Jesus)... all in respect for THEM. Why? Why do they dictate what the family maturely discusses as adults... oh yes, maybe because THEY can't handle mature adult conversations.
I still don't know who in the family has received these letters. My only fear now is that somehow, someone will convince them to come for Christmas. And although, I know this would not be anyone's intention, I would in some way feel that they had been chosen over me. I realize that he is a brother, an uncle and a son, just as I'm a brother, a cousin, a son and a grandson, but sometimes things are just wrong vs. right (oy, now I sound like him.... but I believe my point is understood). If they are there, Brett and I will not be. Period. My family has just decreased its size. I now have one less Aunt and one less uncle. Merry Christmas