where is something to numb the pain
Well my therapy session went ok. I told my complicated life story, condensed nonetheless. There was a lot of crying, surprisingly more than I thought. I only scratched the surface though, I hope she knows that. The session ended with her talking about God being our heavenly Father and how lucky we are to have him…yada yada. It felt nice to hear those things from her, but now it makes me wonder and hope that our sessions will not all be filled with quick fixer uppers - like God loves you and whatever. I mean if I wanted to hear a motivational message about God being our Father, and better than our earthly parents I could watch a sermon on tv on Sunday mornings. I just want deeper help than that. I have strong faith, but yet I am still damaged. I need something else to explain this complexity that is me.
It was torturous having to remember and go through our family history like that yet again. I have told it one too many times. But I know it was necessary. I will call her tomorrow and schedule another appointment. Tonight I went to fill out all the paper work for my new job, I start training next week. I’m really happy about it. Yet there was a slight problem with my availability - I really do not want to break the Sabbath, and put on there that I don’t want to work Friday nights or all day Saturday. She told me that she doesn’t think that I could get Friday off, especially since I am not working Saturday. Anyways I called her back when I got home because I realized that I can work Saturday nights - so hopefully I will be able to have Friday nights and day time Saturday off. That would be perfect for me, and I need to tell them that I am willing to work extra hours if possible to get that. I just don’t want to break the Sabbath at all. But if I am forced to work a couple of hours on Friday night in order to get the experience and have a job I’m just going to have to do it. I hope YHWH will make a way for me so that I do not have to.
Maybe I am worried that they are upset with my hours, I don’t want to jeopardize my job. But tonight I am sad… Exact Reason? I really don’t know. Just overwhelming sadness, and its times like this that I think about cutting. Just to get that instant relief. I haven’t cut in so long, but the urges come and I just try to zone out with music…or do what I am doing now…
Anyways, I’m worried that there is not help for me. What could anyone say in a therapy session to change my almost instinctual behavior to disappear emotionally and personality wise when I am around people that I want to connect to??? What if she can not help me and this is all for nothing. What if I am just unfixable? How can someone fix this mess?
It was torturous having to remember and go through our family history like that yet again. I have told it one too many times. But I know it was necessary. I will call her tomorrow and schedule another appointment. Tonight I went to fill out all the paper work for my new job, I start training next week. I’m really happy about it. Yet there was a slight problem with my availability - I really do not want to break the Sabbath, and put on there that I don’t want to work Friday nights or all day Saturday. She told me that she doesn’t think that I could get Friday off, especially since I am not working Saturday. Anyways I called her back when I got home because I realized that I can work Saturday nights - so hopefully I will be able to have Friday nights and day time Saturday off. That would be perfect for me, and I need to tell them that I am willing to work extra hours if possible to get that. I just don’t want to break the Sabbath at all. But if I am forced to work a couple of hours on Friday night in order to get the experience and have a job I’m just going to have to do it. I hope YHWH will make a way for me so that I do not have to.
Maybe I am worried that they are upset with my hours, I don’t want to jeopardize my job. But tonight I am sad… Exact Reason? I really don’t know. Just overwhelming sadness, and its times like this that I think about cutting. Just to get that instant relief. I haven’t cut in so long, but the urges come and I just try to zone out with music…or do what I am doing now…
Anyways, I’m worried that there is not help for me. What could anyone say in a therapy session to change my almost instinctual behavior to disappear emotionally and personality wise when I am around people that I want to connect to??? What if she can not help me and this is all for nothing. What if I am just unfixable? How can someone fix this mess?