***
I feel like such a looser right now. WHy? Probably because I feel like I avoided another big independance moment in my life - again. I wont be starting school this fall. I told my dad that I want to enroll for the spring instead. I see all the "pros" vs. "cons" in the situation but it still sticks out to me that if I pushed harder I could be in school right now. Again I took the easy route.
It was the last week to register, and some of the classes had already begun, would have to get signatures from the instructors and dean to gain entrance into the classes. And right now I have basically no transportation, and so I was really not prepared. Maybe if I had an extra week to do all this in...
I know it will give me more time to prepare, I can use this time to get my license and get a car, that way I wont have to take the bus or take a taxi everyday. I wont have to enter any classes late. Still I really feel like I was letting my dad and myself down. But my dad sounded like he was supportive. But then maybe he figured he would get that call last night. I don't want to be so typical. I dont want my dad to think of me so lowly. He asked me to talk to grandma on the phone and told me to say to her about going to college --- "I want to change my life...." Like I am some sort of alcoholic or something, caught me off guard. Does he thing of me that way? THat Im the one in the familly that has needed some desperate changing but never realized it??
I hate my incestant need to prove myself, deem myself worthy and please others. Especially family, especially my dad. Why do I always come back to this same place, that desire of "wanting to make daddy proud"?
It was the last week to register, and some of the classes had already begun, would have to get signatures from the instructors and dean to gain entrance into the classes. And right now I have basically no transportation, and so I was really not prepared. Maybe if I had an extra week to do all this in...
I know it will give me more time to prepare, I can use this time to get my license and get a car, that way I wont have to take the bus or take a taxi everyday. I wont have to enter any classes late. Still I really feel like I was letting my dad and myself down. But my dad sounded like he was supportive. But then maybe he figured he would get that call last night. I don't want to be so typical. I dont want my dad to think of me so lowly. He asked me to talk to grandma on the phone and told me to say to her about going to college --- "I want to change my life...." Like I am some sort of alcoholic or something, caught me off guard. Does he thing of me that way? THat Im the one in the familly that has needed some desperate changing but never realized it??
I hate my incestant need to prove myself, deem myself worthy and please others. Especially family, especially my dad. Why do I always come back to this same place, that desire of "wanting to make daddy proud"?