(no subject)
I haven't posted in ever. Not this journal even gets read by anyone so it doesn't really matter much. I usually only update when I'm sad and I need to let everything out, and somehow I feel like doing it over the internet rather than in an empty notepad document.
I'm not upset right now, though. I feel oddly excited and renewed. It's as if everything was gray before this exact moment. The last year has been a whirlwind of emotions, and the last 3 weeks an even greater hill to climb. And I think now I understand it all. It's not about everything you're leaving behind. It's about everything you're finding as you're on an adventure.
I've never felt so homesick in my life as I was the last three weeks. I felt alone, and useless, and abnormal. It was frightening only because I had never really felt homesick before. But all of a sudden it opened up and I felt all that pain, and I swallowed it down and it rummaged inside of me for a while. I do miss home, very much. I miss my family and my friends. But just because I can't see them right now in no way means they aren't there. I am reminded so often that they are; with simple text messages and excited phone calls.
All of a sudden I feel this brilliant surge of hope. I know what I want now. I want a beginning. And this is it, this is my own beginning. Everything is where it's supposed to be. Everything that was once holding me back, taming or hurting me is gone. I have disposed of it all.
I've always been in a terrible fight against "love." I am always afraid of it merely because I do not want to get hurt. I thought I was always avoiding it to the best of my ability. Don't show people your weakness, don't let them see you hurt because of them. And that's how I've been for all of my life.
And then I realized, that in distancing myself from relationship type love, I built all of my friendships with all of the love I had. Of course, I only realized this once a friend hurt me. But I realized it, nonetheless. I realized that as much as I believe that I am incapable of love; I really am capable. There is no avoiding something that comes naturally.
And in this journey, I suppose I realized that sometimes love isn't real. Sometimes what we think is love is really just convenience and manipulation. And when it comes down to that, you realize who's your real friend.
This entry is for the person who taught me all of this. I harbor no ill will against you. I never have and I never will, because I do love you. But it's over. You're not in my life anymore and I am never going to accept you back into it. But I only wish the best for you.
But this entry is also for you, if you're listening; to the people whom I love with all of my heart, and who love me back with their own. And who don't go one day without thinking about me and who care so selflessly about my well being. I hope I can be the friend that you have been to me after all of this time. I love you so much.
I'm not upset right now, though. I feel oddly excited and renewed. It's as if everything was gray before this exact moment. The last year has been a whirlwind of emotions, and the last 3 weeks an even greater hill to climb. And I think now I understand it all. It's not about everything you're leaving behind. It's about everything you're finding as you're on an adventure.
I've never felt so homesick in my life as I was the last three weeks. I felt alone, and useless, and abnormal. It was frightening only because I had never really felt homesick before. But all of a sudden it opened up and I felt all that pain, and I swallowed it down and it rummaged inside of me for a while. I do miss home, very much. I miss my family and my friends. But just because I can't see them right now in no way means they aren't there. I am reminded so often that they are; with simple text messages and excited phone calls.
All of a sudden I feel this brilliant surge of hope. I know what I want now. I want a beginning. And this is it, this is my own beginning. Everything is where it's supposed to be. Everything that was once holding me back, taming or hurting me is gone. I have disposed of it all.
I've always been in a terrible fight against "love." I am always afraid of it merely because I do not want to get hurt. I thought I was always avoiding it to the best of my ability. Don't show people your weakness, don't let them see you hurt because of them. And that's how I've been for all of my life.
And then I realized, that in distancing myself from relationship type love, I built all of my friendships with all of the love I had. Of course, I only realized this once a friend hurt me. But I realized it, nonetheless. I realized that as much as I believe that I am incapable of love; I really am capable. There is no avoiding something that comes naturally.
And in this journey, I suppose I realized that sometimes love isn't real. Sometimes what we think is love is really just convenience and manipulation. And when it comes down to that, you realize who's your real friend.
This entry is for the person who taught me all of this. I harbor no ill will against you. I never have and I never will, because I do love you. But it's over. You're not in my life anymore and I am never going to accept you back into it. But I only wish the best for you.
But this entry is also for you, if you're listening; to the people whom I love with all of my heart, and who love me back with their own. And who don't go one day without thinking about me and who care so selflessly about my well being. I hope I can be the friend that you have been to me after all of this time. I love you so much.