A Day As Upset As I
I find some comfort in knowing that I can come here to this page as a source of outlet and understanding that I wouldnt be able to find in a human. I also know that no one really reads this so I can say whatever it is I feel at this specific moment in history. It is 1:00 in the afternoon and I am sitting up here at working staring at the pink wallpaper that has somehow managed to stayed glued to the wall for this long. I found sleep somewhere in the early hours of 6:30-7:00 this morning. I can honestly say that I feel people sometimes go through a fit of insanity from time to time. Mine just happened to be last night. I know that I set double standards up all the time and I try so dearly not to, but it just happens to end up as such. I was so angry last night and alone. My heartbeat seemed to surround my whole being. we both really do need our space from time to time, but I was hoping that when I awoke from my bad dream that he would be there in my bed, but I found a cold blanket instead. It was 5:30 in the morning and I was scared. I really dont feel like going through the motions again for I did that way too much last night and all in all he believes he did absolutely nothing wrong. Maybe he didnt. Maybe we will always disagree on that, but it still doest make up for the fact that all I needed was a hug. A kiss. Comfort. And I may need it over and over again until I feel fully restored, because I feel so alone right now. I dont know what it is exactly. I feel "crazy". I feel exactly how he said I was acting last night. And its hard for me to understand how he could say things to my face without meaning them. How he could say things just to hurt me and then take them back. Does he really not believe those things? Or does he really think Im crazy? Im so pitiful and yet scared. But all of this really doesnt matter anyway.....