(no subject)
It's 3:20 in the morning. I can not sleep at all. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. Danny has been in California for two weeks, but he will be back home in a few hours. I can't wait to just be on my way to the airport to pick him up.
I am so exhausted. I've had so much energy today because of pure excitement, but I'm finally dying down. Everytime I crawl in bed though I can't stop thinking about him and I am wide awake again. ::sigh::
We move into the Canton Mill Lofts on the 15th. I am extremely excited about that. I'm planning on turning our laundry room into my dark room. If that works out well then hopefully I can really get my photography up and going. Now that I am not in school I have all the time in the world to shoot what I want and do what I want, only now I don't have the access to a dark room whenever I need it. I really don't know what I am going to do about school. I need to go back. I need to do it for me, it's what I want. I just have to figure out where and start planning. Hopefully I will be back in before I have to start paying off my other student loans. Being back in school would kick that back until I graduate.
Hm..what else.
When Adam and I moved out of that shitty house in downtown Acworth I was thrilled to be out of there. It didn't take but two days for me to realize how much I missed it. So many of my fondest memories are of that house. I miss the bullshit Adam, Jeff, Julian, and I would throw while we were there. I miss being right behind work and a block from the lake and of coarse, the swing sets. I miss being able to sit on the front porch every morning with a cup of coffee, a good book, my journal, a pack of smokes, and my best friend. I miss sitting on that porch til dawn with the guys. Most of all, I miss that life.
Until now, that is all I could ever really think about. I would dwell on what I had lost and when and where to start over. I'm happy now. Happier then I have been in a very long time. Everything is coming back together and it's better then it was before. I still miss it all, but I finally realized that I don't need what I thought I did. I have everything I need in my heart. Danny, he is special. He is different then anyone I have ever been with. This is something good. Mmm....
As for Adam, I don't see him hardly at all these days. I see him at work from time to time, but we never seem to work the same shifts anymore. We try to hang out, but our schedules always clash. He came over Tuesday night after work with some kids we work with. That night was the first time since we moved that I felt like I hadn't lost my best friend. When we first got here it was just the two of us and he said, "I need to talk to you." I felt like he needed me again. That felt good. Adam might as well be my big brother. I know I need him in my life and he has always told me the same. For awhile I thought he forgot that. Anyway, we talked. Later that night, just as old times, he handed me some of his writing. This time it wasn't to read and love as you do a novel, this time it was a paper for school and he wanted me to make changes. It was a philosophy paper, so wow did I love correcting that one. I really got lost in the feeling of having my best friend there. I needed that.
Things with my dad haven't been getting any better. Everytime I think they will, he disappoints me. I have made so many steps forward in our relationship. Although, it seems that every step I take he shoves me three steps back. In New Orleans this past September we talked; The first time in years we had a sane, adult, caring conversation. For the first time in my life he made me feel like he loved me and wanted to mend our relationship. When I woke up the next morning, I honestly thought everything would be different from that point on. I didn't have my expectations set on things being flawless, not by any means did I believe that. I only thought we were making the first step, together, to becoming stronger. That leading to future mending conversations and so on until I could say I love him, and mean every breathe of it. I've always wondered what it feels like to have a dad.
Although the situation with him is definately a downer, I am still happier then ever. With the way my life has gone so far, I have learned that life is just too short to be angry all the time. It is so unhealthy to think about the negative things all the time. I always try to find the beauty in everything. Balance. What goes up, must come down. With all bad there is a good. Therefore, my dad won't bring me down. I am not satisfied with our relationship, but fuck dwelling on it. Pick up the pieces and move on.
Miguel and I have been growing closer and closer. Never really thought that was a possability, but I have been proven wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. I wish he would move back home from Florida or at least come visit us more often. I really miss him.
Raf has a baby now. Our family has changed so much. Within a few months I had gained a niece my age and another a couple years older then I, and a nephew older then I. Then Danek was born. Strange days.
Work sucks. Enough said.
I have decided that livejournal is only good for a short vent every now and then. It is also only good for looking back on the past and realizing what you lost. I look at my friends page and read people's journals and realize how many of my closest friends I have lost touch with over the years. It's really sad. Zack, Pat, Tracey, and Lauren...what happened to all of us? Why did we grow so far apart when we used to be together so often. If I could make any reunion happen, it would be the five of us at the cabin in Elijay with beer and tequila. That would be so great. I would love for all of us to sit in a circle in that big open room, freezing our asses off with nothing to sit on. Then we could remember all the goofy shit we got into up there and laugh while we got loaded. Oh, the drama. I love to remember everything. It makes me sad, but it makes me so happy.
If any of you kids read this, I miss you.
Hm...I'm on a roll. I want to keep writing, but I have to jump in the shower. Time to get ready to pick up Danny. Woo!
.xoxo.Chris.