Resisting reliance, I remember faith.
i could write a book
the one they'll say that shook
the world and then it took it back from me
and i could write it down
and spread it all around
get lost and then get found
and you'll come back to me
but i'm swallowed in the sea"
These are the erratic ramblings of an unbalanced mind.
(inhale)
It's hard to teach yourself not to miss someone. It's natural to cling. Like static. Like saran wrap. It's natural to hold on to someone so closely you forget to defend who you are, your heart, your well-being. We look into others too much, hoping to find someone stronger than ourselves, someone more capable, someone we can rely on. We forget that the person we are looking to for comfort and stability- is looking to us for the same thing.
Which technically means: you can never let your guard down, you can never fully trust someone because they may be trusting you more. If you're not paying attention, your fragile world could come crashing down like a house of cards.
This is a tough realization for a girl like me- one who has a hard time letting go, believing someone else can take care of her. And now knowing that we're all the same, longing for the same protection, it's too hard for me to not take it upon msyelf to BE the protector. To smile and say 'i'm fine' and constantly look for another way to pour myself out in adoration.
That's exactly why I have to teach myself not to miss anyone. If you miss someone it means you can't be away from them for too long, and if you can't be away from someone for too long that means you rely on them far too much and you will be utterly destroyed when they leave you. This is a black-and-white issue.
It's so damn funny- how it always comes back to this. I could have sworn I'd make it out okay, but here I am, 23, with a fear that's evidentally been brewing forever, rearing its ugly head only when I became old enough to name it, to cite it and keep it all to myself, at least, keep secret the details, the extremes. That's because I know confessing constantly will only make me undesirable, and obviously that's the last thing I want. To cause myself to be abandoned of my own doing. It scares me to think, that deep down, I might blame myself for everyone who has ever left.
What I wouldn't give for something to feel unbreakable. For once, I want to be wholly convinced. For something to feel so real, it's invincible. And to believe in someone so completely, so entirely, that I can settle into them.
Settle. That's a nice word.
In the meantime, there are fleeting moments of understanding. Times when I remember why I want something that ultimately horrifies me. Moments of panic, when I'm paralyzed, prisoner to the hot blood pumping through my veins, face burning, lungs collapsing ... but strangely, in this lust-rage, I am whole. It's a redeeming experience. I taste grass, and earth. I am weightless. My heart rends and regenerates. It's a dream with white walls, and white feathers, and white clouds. And it's in these weak moments that I know I can't live without feeling this real. I am completely consumed with the sensation of being embodied, solid, vulnerable, but laughingly stable. This desire is what keeps me handcuffed to a revolving door of persistance. It's what keeps me tied to a bungee cord of faith.
(exhale)
"under the surface trying to break through
deciphering the codes in you
i need a compass, draw me a map
i'm on the top, I can't get back
the first line on the first page
to the end of the last page
from the start, in your own way
you just want somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are"
the one they'll say that shook
the world and then it took it back from me
and i could write it down
and spread it all around
get lost and then get found
and you'll come back to me
but i'm swallowed in the sea"
These are the erratic ramblings of an unbalanced mind.
(inhale)
It's hard to teach yourself not to miss someone. It's natural to cling. Like static. Like saran wrap. It's natural to hold on to someone so closely you forget to defend who you are, your heart, your well-being. We look into others too much, hoping to find someone stronger than ourselves, someone more capable, someone we can rely on. We forget that the person we are looking to for comfort and stability- is looking to us for the same thing.
Which technically means: you can never let your guard down, you can never fully trust someone because they may be trusting you more. If you're not paying attention, your fragile world could come crashing down like a house of cards.
This is a tough realization for a girl like me- one who has a hard time letting go, believing someone else can take care of her. And now knowing that we're all the same, longing for the same protection, it's too hard for me to not take it upon msyelf to BE the protector. To smile and say 'i'm fine' and constantly look for another way to pour myself out in adoration.
That's exactly why I have to teach myself not to miss anyone. If you miss someone it means you can't be away from them for too long, and if you can't be away from someone for too long that means you rely on them far too much and you will be utterly destroyed when they leave you. This is a black-and-white issue.
It's so damn funny- how it always comes back to this. I could have sworn I'd make it out okay, but here I am, 23, with a fear that's evidentally been brewing forever, rearing its ugly head only when I became old enough to name it, to cite it and keep it all to myself, at least, keep secret the details, the extremes. That's because I know confessing constantly will only make me undesirable, and obviously that's the last thing I want. To cause myself to be abandoned of my own doing. It scares me to think, that deep down, I might blame myself for everyone who has ever left.
What I wouldn't give for something to feel unbreakable. For once, I want to be wholly convinced. For something to feel so real, it's invincible. And to believe in someone so completely, so entirely, that I can settle into them.
Settle. That's a nice word.
In the meantime, there are fleeting moments of understanding. Times when I remember why I want something that ultimately horrifies me. Moments of panic, when I'm paralyzed, prisoner to the hot blood pumping through my veins, face burning, lungs collapsing ... but strangely, in this lust-rage, I am whole. It's a redeeming experience. I taste grass, and earth. I am weightless. My heart rends and regenerates. It's a dream with white walls, and white feathers, and white clouds. And it's in these weak moments that I know I can't live without feeling this real. I am completely consumed with the sensation of being embodied, solid, vulnerable, but laughingly stable. This desire is what keeps me handcuffed to a revolving door of persistance. It's what keeps me tied to a bungee cord of faith.
(exhale)
"under the surface trying to break through
deciphering the codes in you
i need a compass, draw me a map
i'm on the top, I can't get back
the first line on the first page
to the end of the last page
from the start, in your own way
you just want somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are"