xcrosspostedx
yesterday, for no apparent reason, i left the television on, tuned into this movie for kids about some girl named samantha, and life in the early 1900's. there was a quote in it that i can't remember directly, but it basically said that change takes two - one person to speak, and another to listen.
i have had a few people in my life who actually listen. they begin to know me, and they hear what i have to say. they don't always agree - and that's okay, because they listen. they try to be understanding.
i've always thought that my mother was one of those people. i've always been under the impression that, while she doesn't always agree with me, she will support me, and try to be understanding about the things that irritate me the most. not the stupid shit, not the petty crap. the important things. even if they're only important to me.
as the years go by, though, i notice more and more that the things that annoy me are not things that my mother pays any attention to at all. this is fine - perfectly, actually, until it affects me. tonight has affected me. BIG TIME.
when we planned this trip for my mother to come and visit, stay with me, i knew that she planned to go spend some time with this beau of hers. i'm all for that, in my own way. go, figure shit out. you have to. if you don't, you'll kick yourself forever. i understand all of that, and would take the opportunity to do the same, if i could. that part of it being neither here nor there, we planned the events of this trip around the premise that she would fly in on friday, and i would skip out of work 4 hours early to pick her up at the airport, and blahblahblah. originally, we were to go shopping for bathing suits and flip flops, but now neither of us need bathing suits. heh. so a trip to payless, and then off to have our nails and feet tended to. mmm. saturday is the hootinanny at hottie's house, and sunday is a relaxing day for recouperation. monday was to be either butterfly world, or the beach, and then tuesday, off she would go to visit her friend, where she would stay for "a couple of days."
the rest of the week is up in the air. i was supposed to try to take friday afternoon off - and might still attempt it - so that we could do flamingo gardens. right now, i don't know that this is a possibility, so i didn't even approach it with the boss. we're not really taking ANY time off after the first of the year, since that's GOLIVE for the new account project we're assigned to. anyway. i figured, no big deal. i have monday off, and can just spend monday with mom, and it'll be great. she has even talked about how tuesday is perfect, because i have monday off, and yay, blah blah blah.
the other day, she mentioned in passing in her diary that she planned to go to david's house on monday. i thought it was a typo, and left her a private note asking about it. she never so much as acknowledged the fact that she had decided to change the plans, nor the fact that i asked about it. so, today, as i'm driving home, i'm chatting with her on the phone. "oh, mom. speaking of. i thought you were going to david's on tuesday, because i have monday off?" she said "wah, i can't WAIT until TUESday!!!!!" ...huh? "but mom! i thought we had plans for monday, since i have the day off?"
"well," she says, "i figure, you have a half day off on friday. we'll just go to butterfly world then. no big deal."
NO BIG DEAL!?
does ANYONE IN THE WORLD remember what my BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS for my LAST vacation?
anyone?
come on, this one's easy.
it was just in october.
-seethe.-
if you answered that NO ONE WOULD MAKE A PLAN and STICK TO IT, AND INFORM ME OF IT, you've got it right on the fucking head.
it took my mother informing everyone in the world that she intended to blow me off on monday and head over to this jackass' house. why do i call him a jackass, you ask? because this is the same man who put her through hell last year. "broke her heart." i don't doubt that my mother was hurt by what she calls his stupidity, but come ON. she's going to blow me off because she JUST CAN'T WAIT to see this guy whom she claims she loves, whom she says she's "Taking It Slow" with in one breath, and in the next states plaintively "I'm Going To Marry This Man?" THAT guy!? THAT is what you're tossing me to the curb for?
well FUCK YOU VERY MUCH TOO.
"how mad at me are you?"
and here's the really retarded part, kids. here's where amy loses her shit completely, the balls she's been growing over the past few months shrivel back up into her (very female) body, and the spine she's been straightening over the same timeframe collapses like jello salad at a picnic in the park on an august afternoon.
"whatever. it's fine."
WHATEVER!? IT'S FINE!? WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK!?
i canNOT believe those words left my mouth. i sat there, at a traffic light, fighting tears, because that whole "to thine own self be true" bullshit applies to everyone but ME, in my head.
thine own self. yeah. sure. right.
i understand that mom wants to do what mom wants to do, and i understand that she "needs" to do this. i do. but you know what?
if something she's doing involves me (and it invariably does, when it gets down to it, here, cause hi. how the fuck else is she going to get there? walk?) then fucking bloody FUCK, i should be one of the FIRST to know what's happening.
"i'll figure out a way to do BOTH."
oh, no you will not. you will pick one. in fact, you've already fucking picked one, and i may tell you i don't care, but i DO care.
my feelings are hurt.
why can't i just tell her that my feelings are hurt, and that they matter just as much as hers do?
i have had a few people in my life who actually listen. they begin to know me, and they hear what i have to say. they don't always agree - and that's okay, because they listen. they try to be understanding.
i've always thought that my mother was one of those people. i've always been under the impression that, while she doesn't always agree with me, she will support me, and try to be understanding about the things that irritate me the most. not the stupid shit, not the petty crap. the important things. even if they're only important to me.
as the years go by, though, i notice more and more that the things that annoy me are not things that my mother pays any attention to at all. this is fine - perfectly, actually, until it affects me. tonight has affected me. BIG TIME.
when we planned this trip for my mother to come and visit, stay with me, i knew that she planned to go spend some time with this beau of hers. i'm all for that, in my own way. go, figure shit out. you have to. if you don't, you'll kick yourself forever. i understand all of that, and would take the opportunity to do the same, if i could. that part of it being neither here nor there, we planned the events of this trip around the premise that she would fly in on friday, and i would skip out of work 4 hours early to pick her up at the airport, and blahblahblah. originally, we were to go shopping for bathing suits and flip flops, but now neither of us need bathing suits. heh. so a trip to payless, and then off to have our nails and feet tended to. mmm. saturday is the hootinanny at hottie's house, and sunday is a relaxing day for recouperation. monday was to be either butterfly world, or the beach, and then tuesday, off she would go to visit her friend, where she would stay for "a couple of days."
the rest of the week is up in the air. i was supposed to try to take friday afternoon off - and might still attempt it - so that we could do flamingo gardens. right now, i don't know that this is a possibility, so i didn't even approach it with the boss. we're not really taking ANY time off after the first of the year, since that's GOLIVE for the new account project we're assigned to. anyway. i figured, no big deal. i have monday off, and can just spend monday with mom, and it'll be great. she has even talked about how tuesday is perfect, because i have monday off, and yay, blah blah blah.
the other day, she mentioned in passing in her diary that she planned to go to david's house on monday. i thought it was a typo, and left her a private note asking about it. she never so much as acknowledged the fact that she had decided to change the plans, nor the fact that i asked about it. so, today, as i'm driving home, i'm chatting with her on the phone. "oh, mom. speaking of. i thought you were going to david's on tuesday, because i have monday off?" she said "wah, i can't WAIT until TUESday!!!!!" ...huh? "but mom! i thought we had plans for monday, since i have the day off?"
"well," she says, "i figure, you have a half day off on friday. we'll just go to butterfly world then. no big deal."
NO BIG DEAL!?
does ANYONE IN THE WORLD remember what my BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS for my LAST vacation?
anyone?
come on, this one's easy.
it was just in october.
-seethe.-
if you answered that NO ONE WOULD MAKE A PLAN and STICK TO IT, AND INFORM ME OF IT, you've got it right on the fucking head.
it took my mother informing everyone in the world that she intended to blow me off on monday and head over to this jackass' house. why do i call him a jackass, you ask? because this is the same man who put her through hell last year. "broke her heart." i don't doubt that my mother was hurt by what she calls his stupidity, but come ON. she's going to blow me off because she JUST CAN'T WAIT to see this guy whom she claims she loves, whom she says she's "Taking It Slow" with in one breath, and in the next states plaintively "I'm Going To Marry This Man?" THAT guy!? THAT is what you're tossing me to the curb for?
well FUCK YOU VERY MUCH TOO.
"how mad at me are you?"
and here's the really retarded part, kids. here's where amy loses her shit completely, the balls she's been growing over the past few months shrivel back up into her (very female) body, and the spine she's been straightening over the same timeframe collapses like jello salad at a picnic in the park on an august afternoon.
"whatever. it's fine."
WHATEVER!? IT'S FINE!? WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK!?
i canNOT believe those words left my mouth. i sat there, at a traffic light, fighting tears, because that whole "to thine own self be true" bullshit applies to everyone but ME, in my head.
thine own self. yeah. sure. right.
i understand that mom wants to do what mom wants to do, and i understand that she "needs" to do this. i do. but you know what?
if something she's doing involves me (and it invariably does, when it gets down to it, here, cause hi. how the fuck else is she going to get there? walk?) then fucking bloody FUCK, i should be one of the FIRST to know what's happening.
"i'll figure out a way to do BOTH."
oh, no you will not. you will pick one. in fact, you've already fucking picked one, and i may tell you i don't care, but i DO care.
my feelings are hurt.
why can't i just tell her that my feelings are hurt, and that they matter just as much as hers do?