Worthiness
JR is still being so sweet to me. He took me to a wonderful dinner for the three week anniversary of the day we met. I was in such a bad mood (unrelated) and he tried so hard to make me smile. And I tried hard to relax. We eventually talked about prior relationships and agreed to be honest about ourselves and our prior relationships. We still have much to talk about - the deeper stuff we haven't gotten into yet.
Later that night, the more he held me and spoke soft, kind words to me, the more I broke down. I couldn't look at him. I started to cry. He just kept saying how beautiful I was, how smart, funny and wonderful I was. And it hurt. It scared me. I don't know how to feel worthy of that kind of affection, even though I do want it. Finally, JR leaned over and said "I love everything about you," and "I won't ruin things by saying it..." and then he added "...but I love you." Yes, he said that. The L word. I cringed. He noticed and hugged me anyways, insisting that I deserved it.
He said it again the other day and I audibly groaned, but hugged him because I do care no matter how frustrated I am with the word. He wants nothing more to express his feelings and for me to accept them, but I just can't right now. I do care so very much for him, but I can't hear those words right now (and certainly can't return them, even though I do feel strongly).
Then he said the L word again the other night. Then there was drinking. And it wasn't me that cried this time. JR started talking about how worthless he was, how he didn't deserve me. And I hugged him. In the morning, he told me he loved me about three or four times. He seems to believe he is so lucky to have me. And yet I don't understand why. If anything, he has treated me so well that I feel unworthy.
How can two people feel so unworthy of each other. How can we both care so much, feel so comfortable, and yet be so fearful?
And most importantly, how can we make this work?
The only thing I know for sure is I am damn glad I have a new therapist as of next week. I don't know how to handle this relationship, but therapy is a good place to start. I don't want to lose a good thing, such a wonderful guy, no matter how confused either of us might get. And I am still glad we are taking it slow. So very glad. I want to be happy. And I want to feel that I have permission to be happy as well. Maybe it just takes time.
Later that night, the more he held me and spoke soft, kind words to me, the more I broke down. I couldn't look at him. I started to cry. He just kept saying how beautiful I was, how smart, funny and wonderful I was. And it hurt. It scared me. I don't know how to feel worthy of that kind of affection, even though I do want it. Finally, JR leaned over and said "I love everything about you," and "I won't ruin things by saying it..." and then he added "...but I love you." Yes, he said that. The L word. I cringed. He noticed and hugged me anyways, insisting that I deserved it.
He said it again the other day and I audibly groaned, but hugged him because I do care no matter how frustrated I am with the word. He wants nothing more to express his feelings and for me to accept them, but I just can't right now. I do care so very much for him, but I can't hear those words right now (and certainly can't return them, even though I do feel strongly).
Then he said the L word again the other night. Then there was drinking. And it wasn't me that cried this time. JR started talking about how worthless he was, how he didn't deserve me. And I hugged him. In the morning, he told me he loved me about three or four times. He seems to believe he is so lucky to have me. And yet I don't understand why. If anything, he has treated me so well that I feel unworthy.
How can two people feel so unworthy of each other. How can we both care so much, feel so comfortable, and yet be so fearful?
And most importantly, how can we make this work?
The only thing I know for sure is I am damn glad I have a new therapist as of next week. I don't know how to handle this relationship, but therapy is a good place to start. I don't want to lose a good thing, such a wonderful guy, no matter how confused either of us might get. And I am still glad we are taking it slow. So very glad. I want to be happy. And I want to feel that I have permission to be happy as well. Maybe it just takes time.