a little buzzed right now but...
is it totally insane to wish you had an addiction to drugs or alcohol so that you could have an entire community to connest to, like AA or NA?
people all over the world that you can go to that understand what it's like to be totally cought in your addiction, at whatever stage, that you can go to that really GET it?
nobody really understands my illness. nobody else judges their self-worth on the size of their jeans. nobody else doubts every single relationship they have, fearing in the back of their minds that everyone will eventually figure out that they are completely fucking insane and have gotten so adept at hiding it at whatever cost. nobody else is as suspicious of the people they love.
there is really nowhere to go. EDA used to have meetings in los altos, but it was cancelled due to low attendance. how ironic! the very core of our disorder is being solitary; is keeping our true selves hidden. i found a group that sounded perfect for what i needed, but it costs $50 per session, once a week. fuck.
so now i find myself wishing i had a place like NA. i grew up going to meetings with mom, hearing the stories of lives destroyed and captured again, stories of self reflection and discovery, stories of solitude and fear. i never really understood them until i became bulimic. and now i wish i had that kind of support. is it possible to develop disordered eating at age 6, bulimia at age 14, ED-NOS after a year of treatment at 18, a strange combination of the three after 2 years of treatment, and end up without the action but with all the same thought processes as you've had for as long as you can remember? the thoughts that nothing you do is ever good enough; that everyone you love will see what a horrible, selfish, lazy, boring person that you are and get as far away from you as possible.
no one fucking GETS that. so how the fuck am i supposed to stop thinking like that when the people i love keep reinforcing it?
...or are they? or am i so cought up in my own head that i purposefully twist situations to fit the scenario i'm used to? and if i even say something, say i'm unhappy or i'm hurt or upset by something someone did to me, that i feel betrayed and paranoid and unjustly fucked over, when it comes out of my mouth i just sound like i'm being totally irrational and bitchy so i wish i would just shut my own fucking mouth?
no. you know what? sometimes i do simply get fucked over and betrayed and people just don't have the fucking courage to say they were wrong.
people all over the world that you can go to that understand what it's like to be totally cought in your addiction, at whatever stage, that you can go to that really GET it?
nobody really understands my illness. nobody else judges their self-worth on the size of their jeans. nobody else doubts every single relationship they have, fearing in the back of their minds that everyone will eventually figure out that they are completely fucking insane and have gotten so adept at hiding it at whatever cost. nobody else is as suspicious of the people they love.
there is really nowhere to go. EDA used to have meetings in los altos, but it was cancelled due to low attendance. how ironic! the very core of our disorder is being solitary; is keeping our true selves hidden. i found a group that sounded perfect for what i needed, but it costs $50 per session, once a week. fuck.
so now i find myself wishing i had a place like NA. i grew up going to meetings with mom, hearing the stories of lives destroyed and captured again, stories of self reflection and discovery, stories of solitude and fear. i never really understood them until i became bulimic. and now i wish i had that kind of support. is it possible to develop disordered eating at age 6, bulimia at age 14, ED-NOS after a year of treatment at 18, a strange combination of the three after 2 years of treatment, and end up without the action but with all the same thought processes as you've had for as long as you can remember? the thoughts that nothing you do is ever good enough; that everyone you love will see what a horrible, selfish, lazy, boring person that you are and get as far away from you as possible.
no one fucking GETS that. so how the fuck am i supposed to stop thinking like that when the people i love keep reinforcing it?
...or are they? or am i so cought up in my own head that i purposefully twist situations to fit the scenario i'm used to? and if i even say something, say i'm unhappy or i'm hurt or upset by something someone did to me, that i feel betrayed and paranoid and unjustly fucked over, when it comes out of my mouth i just sound like i'm being totally irrational and bitchy so i wish i would just shut my own fucking mouth?
no. you know what? sometimes i do simply get fucked over and betrayed and people just don't have the fucking courage to say they were wrong.