Today is Over...
It's 8:20 and I am really happy that today is now over...To me it sounds pretty mean of me saying that because today being my boyfriends birthday and all but I am really happy it is over...
Just at the moment, I feel so left out, my heart aches because the fact that I know he wants to see me and I cant and because the fact I cant spend it with him when I had every chance in the world too...but ONE SINGLE HUMAN BEING THAT DOES NOTHING FOR JED AND DOESNT EVEN CARE FOR THE POOR KID STOPS US FROM DOING SOO....It really is crazy how he runs our life and he doesnt even freaking know it...Truthfully for me even it is really hard to comprehend.
I remember when Jed and I went to Relay for Life, and when it became dark out...everyone that was participating in the event walked around the track for people that are living with cancer and who have passed on. Well then they had this really big powerpoint presentation and it had names of people with cancer of passed ones and those names were submitted by family memebers. Well my grandma died from Alzheimer's Disease...it eats your brain...well when we were there, it really reminded me of her and i cried and everything...so yeah...well my grandma was really close to me and we were close...when she got sick she moved back up to canada since her health insurance was up there...well I didnt see her for two years and then she died...I talked to her twice in those two years...once of which she didnt even know me...it is the worst feeling talking to someone who talked about you all the time and doesnt even know one thing about you...I was a complete stanger to her and she didnt want to talk to me anymore...it hurt...but it wasnt her fault...well I belive that someone up there, god and my grandma sent jed to me...hes everything that I ever wanted...
he accepts me for who I am...he accepts my disibility I have and he never ever questions it...he is always right there by my side when ever I need help with anything...just like she is...well when we looking at the names and stuff...I was thinking to my self...when Sunday rolls around, its like I have to give up him because sometimes we barely talk, and then when wednesday rolls around, we like dont know each other and we have to get to know each other again...and I went back to the tent to go to sleep and he could tell whats wrong...well I told him when ever stuff like this happenes, and we have to give up things, especially on his b-day...its like Im not even a part of him, I feel like he died and hes dead...sometimes thats what I feel...that is the whole reason why I get so upset when the weekened comes...its like he dies over and over and over again and it HURTS really bad! I dont like it...I dont know why I feel this way...I can not contorl it what so ever...I mean I can hide it and try to be strong...but mainly at night thats when I let it all out and I become upset until the next morning...maybe I need help? Or is it that I just really LOVE him to death and I dont want this going on anymore and I dont want anything happening to him?
Last night when we went to the compass room...for the first like 15 minutes we were there we didnt really talk...I was quiet because I know today was his bday and we couldnt do anything...well I kept looking at him...and his hand was laying pretty close to mine...and I just wanted to grab it and hold it, and us just sit there and talk...but I dont know what he would of have done...I didnt want to make him mad so instead I just tapped his hand to make him look at me and I smiled at him really big and then he smiled back...it made me feel better...one of these days when there is not a lot of people around and they wouldnt notice and stuff, or if they did, I may try for once quick second...we have cuddled in public before! so whats holding hands...I mean we CUDDLED in public...it was so awesome! :D
Well I dont know what else to say...I just had to get that out...I do feel better tho...now I just really miss him!! lol...
Ill write later!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JED!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I MISS YOU!!! ONE MORE YEAR AND WERE ON OUR OWN FOR GOOD!!! WE ONLY ANSWER TO OUR SELVES!!!
Just at the moment, I feel so left out, my heart aches because the fact that I know he wants to see me and I cant and because the fact I cant spend it with him when I had every chance in the world too...but ONE SINGLE HUMAN BEING THAT DOES NOTHING FOR JED AND DOESNT EVEN CARE FOR THE POOR KID STOPS US FROM DOING SOO....It really is crazy how he runs our life and he doesnt even freaking know it...Truthfully for me even it is really hard to comprehend.
I remember when Jed and I went to Relay for Life, and when it became dark out...everyone that was participating in the event walked around the track for people that are living with cancer and who have passed on. Well then they had this really big powerpoint presentation and it had names of people with cancer of passed ones and those names were submitted by family memebers. Well my grandma died from Alzheimer's Disease...it eats your brain...well when we were there, it really reminded me of her and i cried and everything...so yeah...well my grandma was really close to me and we were close...when she got sick she moved back up to canada since her health insurance was up there...well I didnt see her for two years and then she died...I talked to her twice in those two years...once of which she didnt even know me...it is the worst feeling talking to someone who talked about you all the time and doesnt even know one thing about you...I was a complete stanger to her and she didnt want to talk to me anymore...it hurt...but it wasnt her fault...well I belive that someone up there, god and my grandma sent jed to me...hes everything that I ever wanted...
he accepts me for who I am...he accepts my disibility I have and he never ever questions it...he is always right there by my side when ever I need help with anything...just like she is...well when we looking at the names and stuff...I was thinking to my self...when Sunday rolls around, its like I have to give up him because sometimes we barely talk, and then when wednesday rolls around, we like dont know each other and we have to get to know each other again...and I went back to the tent to go to sleep and he could tell whats wrong...well I told him when ever stuff like this happenes, and we have to give up things, especially on his b-day...its like Im not even a part of him, I feel like he died and hes dead...sometimes thats what I feel...that is the whole reason why I get so upset when the weekened comes...its like he dies over and over and over again and it HURTS really bad! I dont like it...I dont know why I feel this way...I can not contorl it what so ever...I mean I can hide it and try to be strong...but mainly at night thats when I let it all out and I become upset until the next morning...maybe I need help? Or is it that I just really LOVE him to death and I dont want this going on anymore and I dont want anything happening to him?
Last night when we went to the compass room...for the first like 15 minutes we were there we didnt really talk...I was quiet because I know today was his bday and we couldnt do anything...well I kept looking at him...and his hand was laying pretty close to mine...and I just wanted to grab it and hold it, and us just sit there and talk...but I dont know what he would of have done...I didnt want to make him mad so instead I just tapped his hand to make him look at me and I smiled at him really big and then he smiled back...it made me feel better...one of these days when there is not a lot of people around and they wouldnt notice and stuff, or if they did, I may try for once quick second...we have cuddled in public before! so whats holding hands...I mean we CUDDLED in public...it was so awesome! :D
Well I dont know what else to say...I just had to get that out...I do feel better tho...now I just really miss him!! lol...
Ill write later!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JED!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I MISS YOU!!! ONE MORE YEAR AND WERE ON OUR OWN FOR GOOD!!! WE ONLY ANSWER TO OUR SELVES!!!