And I Need To Do What I Feel Like Doing.
November 29, 2003..... This is from my old Diary and some of it kinda says what I want to say now. I don't know. It's just.... me ?
yes i'm a drama queen. i freak out easily.
i hate people sometimes. really hate them.
that's stupid because this world needs more love in it.
and i'm just a part of all the hate.
i act on my current emotions.
i don't think things through. i don't act upon logical
reasoning.
my feelings are up and down all the time...24/7.
i am probably THE most complex and confusing individual in
the entire world.
to understand me to the fullest extent would be the world's
greatest miracle and whoever can accomplish that extremely
difficult task deserves all the money in the world. not
even i can figure myself out.
i'm stupid.
honestly i am.
i make absolutely no sense when i talk. so good luck
figuring out just exactly what i'm trying to say.
chances are, i don't know what i'm talking about.
i'm a control freak. that's bad. i like being in control of
myself..i never have control of myself.
my body just does things. i don't know why.
my heart just feels emotions. i don't know why. sometimes i
don't want to feel the way i do. i don't know why.
people tend to not like me. for many reasons.
i don't blame them.
renee said something to me the other day about not liking
me if she were a guy.
i replied "if i were anyone, i'd hate myself."
you were right.
you can't do anything right in this friendship anymore.
i don't know why.
maybe because you're not the same.
i told myself earlier today to not do this to us anymore.
i told myself to just accept that you have changed but
somewhere deep down you were the same.
ironic isn't it.
because once again i can't stand you.
i don't know why.
do i ever know ANYTHING.
no.
ted said my life was so complicated.
it's not complicated really. in fact, it's quite simple.
when it comes down to it all...it's worthless.
he was right about one thing though.
it's teenage drama.
ALL THE DAMN TIME.
i hate teenage drama.
i hate teens.
i hate drama.
there i go again.
with the hate.
this world needs more love.
you should hate your life.
i'm glad you do.
you're a screw up.
i hope you know that.
do you ever do anything right?
ha. you're like me.
sucks for you.
and YOU. you probably dont even know who you are. you
probably dont even read this because you dont care.
you don't like me so don't say you do.
because i fell for you. hard.
and i'm going to get hurt. and i know it.
i hate how i KNOW i'm going to get hurt and i'm still
stupid enough to not back out now.
but i also know that i can't take my feelings away no
matter how much i want to.
why do i like you so much?
this is stupid.
"we" have hardly "been" for a week yet, and i like you so
much.
and i BET a million bucks, i'm nothing to you.
everyone takes me the wrong way.
no one understands.
but honestly.
how can i expect them to?
i just want to run away. get AWAY FROM THIS STUPID TOWN.
but i love it so much. WHY?!
it's worthless like my life.
maybe that's why i love it. it IS my life.
i don't know. does that make sense? probably not.
i need new friends.
new boys.
new life.
even though i know i could never leave this one i have now.
but.
i don't know.
because i don't know anything.
i like to hide from things. under blankets. in the dark.
under desks. my closet. somewhere outside in my yard. and
one of my favorites...pulling my hood from my sweatshirt
over my face.
i like to hide.
i hide from everything.
but when i come out, it's still there.
hiding sucks.
i push things away from me too. especially good things.
oh yes. i am the queen of this.
if you're good for me...i'll push you away as soon as
possible.
i try to write how i feel down on paper.
it doesn't work.
i suck at it in fact.
i express myself through everyone else's music and words.
how do they know my feelings? and i don't? that doesn't
make sense.
bailey thinks andrew mcmahon knows her life. she's the
truman show and he's watching. his lyrics explain her so
well. they're meant for each other because he knows her so
well, without knowing her.
why doesn't anyone know me?
i. just. want. to. get. away.
far. far. away.
from. you. and her. and him. and everyone.
but i'm stuck.
and as he just told me...
ThiS IS GalzorG: you are a confusing little girl
ThiS IS GalzorG: but you always have been
at least someone can sum me up in one word.