(no subject)
Title: Still
Characters: Becky, Tim
Word Count: 599
Summary: "Luke Cafferty smiles like my daddy does." Angsty Becky things. Spoilers for "The Lights in Carroll Park."
The sky over Dillon turns dark blue like a bruise and she says, “Luke Cafferty smiles like my daddy does. Wide, sort of crooked, too bright. He’s gonna make me promises he can’t keep. He’s gonna convince me that he can make everything okay again and then he’s gonna let me down, that’s what he smiles like.”
Earlier, Tim dragged her from her room, put her in his truck, brought her here, to this unaffordable oasis of his, a blanket right at the edge of a copse of trees. She thinks they must have walked five miles to get here, to this particular spot. And things were so quiet while they walked, too quiet, she wanted to cry every time her foot touched the ground. She wanted to stop, say it was too far, she wouldn’t go any further, her voice trembling. She just wanted to be still. That’s all she wanted right now, to stop moving. But there was something knowing in his stride and in his shoulders that had her always following him.
Cloud covered, there aren’t any stars, just that big blue nothing. Becky tips her head back, lets out a long breath she’s been holding since that first test she took came back positive. She shakes, her entire body just shakes, all the time. Over their mostly clear view of the sky, stray branches make silhouettes that look like arms reaching out. They make her think of her mother. This makes her shake a little more.
Tim looks over at her, “You cold?”
This is the first thing he’s said, and this makes her eyes flood, spill over. “No, no,” she says, twisting her head back and forth, not sure why she’s denying a simple question so forcefully. “No, I’m not.”
He turns his head back up. Notice, notice, notice, she thinks, her eyes intent on the side of his face. If he doesn’t look at her now, she’ll disappear for good, is her thought.
Because she’s started to feel as though she’s being swallowed into herself, disappearing deeper and deeper inside of her skin until she’s lost there in all that darkness, yelling out and hoping it will reach her mouth, hoping she’ll be heard.
She’s started to feel like maybe Tim hears her down there. Or maybe he doesn’t know what he’s hearing, but knows he’s hearing something and that’s why he looks at her but then looks away. She hasn’t figured out how to tell him, Yes, yes, that’s me. Please.
The wind comes and those arms start moving all around. If she could reach up and grab onto them, she could keep them still, and maybe somehow that would keep the world still.
She lays down on the blanket, feeling the knobby ground dig into her back. She looks for a break in the clouds where she might catch a star off guard, but there’s nothing. She rests her hands on her stomach and tries to feel something, but she feels nothing. She tries to say the word “baby” out loud, but nothing comes out of her mouth. Tim looks down at her, she can see his hair blowing around in the breeze, and she wants him to say something or touch her, but he does nothing, doesn’t even smile.
She presses herself flat against the ground and closes her eyes. She breathes in and out and tries to imagine that the world stops spinning. And then, suddenly, she is still, everything is still.
“How do I smile?” Tim asks from the darkness.
“Like you know you’re gonna let me down.”
Characters: Becky, Tim
Word Count: 599
Summary: "Luke Cafferty smiles like my daddy does." Angsty Becky things. Spoilers for "The Lights in Carroll Park."
The sky over Dillon turns dark blue like a bruise and she says, “Luke Cafferty smiles like my daddy does. Wide, sort of crooked, too bright. He’s gonna make me promises he can’t keep. He’s gonna convince me that he can make everything okay again and then he’s gonna let me down, that’s what he smiles like.”
Earlier, Tim dragged her from her room, put her in his truck, brought her here, to this unaffordable oasis of his, a blanket right at the edge of a copse of trees. She thinks they must have walked five miles to get here, to this particular spot. And things were so quiet while they walked, too quiet, she wanted to cry every time her foot touched the ground. She wanted to stop, say it was too far, she wouldn’t go any further, her voice trembling. She just wanted to be still. That’s all she wanted right now, to stop moving. But there was something knowing in his stride and in his shoulders that had her always following him.
Cloud covered, there aren’t any stars, just that big blue nothing. Becky tips her head back, lets out a long breath she’s been holding since that first test she took came back positive. She shakes, her entire body just shakes, all the time. Over their mostly clear view of the sky, stray branches make silhouettes that look like arms reaching out. They make her think of her mother. This makes her shake a little more.
Tim looks over at her, “You cold?”
This is the first thing he’s said, and this makes her eyes flood, spill over. “No, no,” she says, twisting her head back and forth, not sure why she’s denying a simple question so forcefully. “No, I’m not.”
He turns his head back up. Notice, notice, notice, she thinks, her eyes intent on the side of his face. If he doesn’t look at her now, she’ll disappear for good, is her thought.
Because she’s started to feel as though she’s being swallowed into herself, disappearing deeper and deeper inside of her skin until she’s lost there in all that darkness, yelling out and hoping it will reach her mouth, hoping she’ll be heard.
She’s started to feel like maybe Tim hears her down there. Or maybe he doesn’t know what he’s hearing, but knows he’s hearing something and that’s why he looks at her but then looks away. She hasn’t figured out how to tell him, Yes, yes, that’s me. Please.
The wind comes and those arms start moving all around. If she could reach up and grab onto them, she could keep them still, and maybe somehow that would keep the world still.
She lays down on the blanket, feeling the knobby ground dig into her back. She looks for a break in the clouds where she might catch a star off guard, but there’s nothing. She rests her hands on her stomach and tries to feel something, but she feels nothing. She tries to say the word “baby” out loud, but nothing comes out of her mouth. Tim looks down at her, she can see his hair blowing around in the breeze, and she wants him to say something or touch her, but he does nothing, doesn’t even smile.
She presses herself flat against the ground and closes her eyes. She breathes in and out and tries to imagine that the world stops spinning. And then, suddenly, she is still, everything is still.
“How do I smile?” Tim asks from the darkness.
“Like you know you’re gonna let me down.”