Emotions

Dec 27, 2005 13:05

you've heard of people who bottle up there emotions, and how it can be harmful. i do a similar thing, but i have changed how i do this to make it stable. but it comes at a cost.

i store my emotions in a reserve, i dont throw them away, its a bit like fat, its stored for later use, and it is kept close to you, its still under your skin. they can build up, and just release in small doses. hardly noticable. but sometimes, like today, people can push the wrong buttens, and end up setting off a bad reaction. i have been in a shitty mood for some time now, swaying from sadness, to anger, even envy. the holidays always find a way to over load my storage tanks.

this morning, a series of things bad happened, i wont go into detail, but you can get the idea from your own experiences. each event took a harsh hit on me. each one slowing me down. lowering my resistance to the more on the way. about 45 minutes ago, the tanks collapsed. an ocean of emotion that had built up for years now just gushed out. it was like drowning in water that makes you feel too much of everything you dont want to feel. its like suffocating, you can feel it all closing in around you. it feels like there is no escape. the pressure is very intense, so intense that even tears cannot escape. it hurts like physical pain. noone likes being exposed to these emotions in small doses. you can only imagin what it must be like to drown in an ocean of them.

but i have a way out, only to subside this force for another few months. it was to just shutdown, and reboot. it sounds simple, but its not, still, its not like its not possible. it took me some time to realise i had been released from the pressure. and then, i feel nothing. the sky is blue, the grass is green, life is normal - the way i like it.

as an after effect of this, i now cant stop the twitching in my thumb, but its worth the escape. i hope i can avoid this flood for ages, but i am beggining to feel it coming back. i dont think i'll be able to avoid it for much longer. but at least im not taking it out on people, just myself. i wish others wouldnt take theirs out on me, but its there way of releasing it. so i cant complain. we all have our ways. i hope you can find one that suits you too.

im going to ly down now.
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