The View From the Rut
--The depression is creeping in. I come home to a messy room that I know I should clean, but my mind swims as soon as I begin thinking of where to put the stuff. I need to call the old landlord, figure a way to fix the phone, and do something productive like act on her idea for us to enroll.
--She has had a few good ideas like that recently. Her mood seems to be improving as well and interaction between us is far nicer. The good in this is that it gives me hope for saving this relationship. The bad in this is that it gives me hope and makes it seem like the way to such a positive end is so very long and treacherous. The people I am forced to rely on for hope of being with her in a positive group setting still want her for themselves, or at least one of them does and the big dog of the group supports him. How do I change that?
--A lot of this is begining to feel familiar to me. I tell myself I have been through this before and that gives me some manner of emotional control, but I cannot help but feel this also gives me self-defeating knowledge of my destiny. She has to decide she wants to be with me again with full knowledge of what that entails before this could ever work, but how long that will take is a mystery and the tide of this world is known for pulling people apart, so I am made fully aware of her freedom to make things work with someone else before that ever happens, if it does at all.
--Once I get to work things will get better. I will have my mind on everything else in the world and while I am in that mental place, removed from the larger problem, things will work themselves out in my subconscious. Does it make sense that sometimes I need to stop actively thinking about something to get some of my best thinking done? Anyway, that is work for me. I have come to enjoy it. This is a horrible schedule today though. She works until two, rushes here in order to get me the car, then I work from three thirty until midnight when I will return home likely to find her getting her much needed rest. I know I am going to miss her.
--Life is getting interesting as I open my eyes to the rest of my world and how it is changing. My thoughts have been on PA lately and how the winds of change are making that place very appealing to me. I am able to talk to those I was not before and consider possibilities I thought denied to me forever. And here I am meeting new people who are bringing all manner of color into my life. My options for things like college and such are becoming more appearant and between that, the new places, and the new people, I have a lot of paths I can follow from this seemingly dark point in my life. Hell, I am feeling better now just writing about this.
--Amber goes on a cruise for a week and will become unavailable by the time I work Saturday, so I think I am going to hang with her tonight if I can. K-T is going on some boat of her own tomorrow night and then I will be chilling here by myself for a good while. She is usually pretty fun when she gets home though. Whatever, we will see. I am feeling better. Maybe I will work on this room tomorrow night. Get something done.
--She has had a few good ideas like that recently. Her mood seems to be improving as well and interaction between us is far nicer. The good in this is that it gives me hope for saving this relationship. The bad in this is that it gives me hope and makes it seem like the way to such a positive end is so very long and treacherous. The people I am forced to rely on for hope of being with her in a positive group setting still want her for themselves, or at least one of them does and the big dog of the group supports him. How do I change that?
--A lot of this is begining to feel familiar to me. I tell myself I have been through this before and that gives me some manner of emotional control, but I cannot help but feel this also gives me self-defeating knowledge of my destiny. She has to decide she wants to be with me again with full knowledge of what that entails before this could ever work, but how long that will take is a mystery and the tide of this world is known for pulling people apart, so I am made fully aware of her freedom to make things work with someone else before that ever happens, if it does at all.
--Once I get to work things will get better. I will have my mind on everything else in the world and while I am in that mental place, removed from the larger problem, things will work themselves out in my subconscious. Does it make sense that sometimes I need to stop actively thinking about something to get some of my best thinking done? Anyway, that is work for me. I have come to enjoy it. This is a horrible schedule today though. She works until two, rushes here in order to get me the car, then I work from three thirty until midnight when I will return home likely to find her getting her much needed rest. I know I am going to miss her.
--Life is getting interesting as I open my eyes to the rest of my world and how it is changing. My thoughts have been on PA lately and how the winds of change are making that place very appealing to me. I am able to talk to those I was not before and consider possibilities I thought denied to me forever. And here I am meeting new people who are bringing all manner of color into my life. My options for things like college and such are becoming more appearant and between that, the new places, and the new people, I have a lot of paths I can follow from this seemingly dark point in my life. Hell, I am feeling better now just writing about this.
--Amber goes on a cruise for a week and will become unavailable by the time I work Saturday, so I think I am going to hang with her tonight if I can. K-T is going on some boat of her own tomorrow night and then I will be chilling here by myself for a good while. She is usually pretty fun when she gets home though. Whatever, we will see. I am feeling better. Maybe I will work on this room tomorrow night. Get something done.