Highlander fic:- "Never Ever" part 1/2 (completed)
Hmm... so I started this fic around Christmas time last year I coulld have had a baby in the time it took to get me around to finishing but it is done and edited it has even been beta'd so the punctuation should be correct for once. I've split it in two because it's quite long
Title: Never Ever
Characters: Methos, Duncan, Amanda, Richie, Joe.
Beta: thanks to
dswdianefor taking the time to beta. Any remaining mistakes are of course my own.
Warning/Rating: PG-13, mentions slash, het and femslash relationships lots of drinking (just as well their livers regenerate)
Summary: Joe wants answers, Richie wants to see the others drunk, Duncan and Amanda want to have fun, and Methos just wants free drinks. They play 'Never have I ever' the last to pass out wins.
Author’s Notes: Once again Methos has taken over my story but you'll be happy to know the other character occasionally get a word in edgeways. On a side note this is actually based in the same universe as Methos' secrets, although they are both completely seperate fics you can see the occasional hint here.
Joe ran a cloth over the bar as the last of the paying customers left, eyeing the redheaded young man rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet.
“Sounds like an invitation to bankruptcy or liver failure to me.” Joe complained.
“Come on Joe it’ll be fun. Think of all the holes you can fill in, in your chronicles,” Richie said.
Joe cast his gaze doubtfully over the other three people at the bar. Methos, the world’s oldest man, sat at the other side of the bar happily consuming his 15th beer of the night. He was listening to Amanda and Duncan bicker amicably over the details of a misadventure 200 odd years ago.
“I don’t know Rich? Don’t you think the rest of us are a bit old for college drinking games? Did the others even say they would play?” Joe asked sceptically
“Mac’s in a good mood, Amanda thinks it’ll be funny and Methos is up for anything that involves free booze. What’d you say? I’ve always wanted to see the old man drunk; nobody should be able to put away that much beer and stand up straight. It’s not natural, even for us. The rest of us get drunk, eventually he must too.”
Joe stared doubtfully at his whiskey stocks “And why are we using my scotch?”
Richie grinned at him “It’s research for the watchers; you can probably put it on expenses or something.”
“Fine, but you,” Joe said as he pointed meaningfully at Methos, “are not allowed to lie.”
“Scouts honour.” Methos grinned stretching out his legs and slouching into his familiar sprawl. “Though given the rules I might end up drinking you out of house and home.”
Amanda shot a quick impish grin at Richie before skipping over to one of the tables. “So are we going to play then? Since this whole thing was your idea Richie, why don’t we go youngest to oldest?”
Joe sighed, pulling out a couple of bottles and setting them down as the rest of the group sat around the table. He pulled out a tape recorder and grinned at the four immortals. “Just for the record.”
“So - er everyone knows how to play right? We take turns saying something we’ve never done and everyone who has, has to take a shot and then tell us about it.” Richie explained quickly “Except, well you don’t have to tell us about every time or anything, and if you want you can say something you have done but then you have to drink too.”
“I think we all know how to play ‘I have never’ Richie,” Methos drawled, draining the last of his beer “Although I should point out I don’t remember everything I’ve ever done.”
Four sets of eyes turned expectantly to Richie, who frowned in thought. “Okay, then, um, never have I ever ridden a horse.” The three older immortals downed their shots quickly, shrugging at the inanity of the question
“Okay Joe, something we don’t already know this time please.” Amanda pouted.
“All right then, um never ever have I met Jesus Christ.”
Five sets of eyes turned to Methos who shrugged innocently as he drained another glass. “What? I wasn’t in the area for long. I’m not fond of civil unrest.”
“Come on man you can’t leave it like that, what was he like? I mean, was he?”
Methos turned his gaze steadily to Joe who trailed off. “Two friends and I noticed some interesting astronomical convergences; we went to investigate and eventually found a baby. We came, we saw, and then we left.”
Joe choked. “You were one of the three Magi? Seriously?”
“I was interested in astronomy at the time. Anyway who’s next?”
Duncan scowled at the evasion but continued, “I have never…. played this game before.”
Four more shots were taken. Joe filling his glass with water (in deference to his unfortunately mortal liver) as the immortals topped their glasses up with more scotch.
Amanda laughed at them. “Okay, if we’re going to play this lets get to the fun questions already. Hmm, I have never... slept with triplets.”
She grinned as both Methos and Duncan took another drink, looking doubtfully at her. “Seriously I haven’t, twins sure and even these sweet quadruplets I was touring with once, but never triplets, go figure. So boys, when? Where?”
“I went drinking at this tavern in Normandy with Fitz and picked up three lovely lasses.” Duncan smiled at the memory.
“Oh yes, I remember this story. When you woke up you found they had relieved you of your purses and taken off into the night.” Amanda giggled. “How awful. Come on Methos what about you?”
“Hmmm.. there was this party in Rome, terrible food and worse musicians, but the triplets were fun.” Methos leaned back happily in his seat to ponder his turn
“Okay then since we’re on the topic of sex never ever have I slept with Richie.” Methos grinned at Duncan’s spluttering as Amanda took a long drink.
Richie scowled unhappily at Methos, but Amanda just shrugged unembarrassed. “What? he’s an adult and I can sleep with anyone I want. Are you jealous? That‘s really sweet.”
“Don’t you think you’re a little old for him?” Macleod asked unhappily
“Oh please. Am I supposed to limit myself to century old immortals? I was just helping with his education.”
“Hey,” Richie interrupted indignantly, “I’m not a kid, and as far as I know Amanda is a free agent. How did you even know anyway old man?”
“I’m very old and very wise.”
“And he saw me leave your apartment,” Amanda interrupted. “Your turn again Richie?”
“Fine, since he did it to me, never have I ever slept with a 5000 year old know it all.” Methos grinned watching Richie’s face as both Mac and Amanda drank. “You, but that’s, you slept with Mac? He‘s a guy.”
“You noticed? Obviously you need to have your horizons broadened.” Methos said
“No, absolutely not. You will not be broadening his horizons. He has been quite educated enough for one century. Let him find people he likes his own age,” Macleod interjected quickly
“Relax. I wasn’t offering my services Mac, but I can help find him a nice boy his own age here in Paris if he’s curious.”
“Hey, I’m quite happy with the ladies. What are you? A pimp?” Richie asked.
“Not this century,” Methos stated happily. “And I prefer the term housemaster. My establishments had class.”
“It’s true. They did, rich class. I miss that place. You always saved me the best customers like that generous and slightly naive young Duke,” Amanda practically purred. “I still have a pair of diamond earrings he gave me tucked away. I used the matching bracelet to escape France during the Terror.”
“It’s a miracle anyone escaped the pair of you with so much as the shirt on their backs,” Joe added wryly making a mental note to check Amanda’s chronicles to try and work out which bordello they had worked in.
“Of course they did.” Methos slouched deeper in his chair. “They don’t come back if they feel cheated. Small expensive tokens regularly are far better for business than bankrupting people. I like to keep my clients well satisfied.”
“Oh god, someone make them stop. Quick Joe take your turn before he starts giving business lessons,” Richie interrupted, he shuddered. “Or worse.”
“Okay, okay as interesting as the sex lives of immortals are I’ve been wondering about this awhile, so never ever have I met Darius.” Joe said
Methos returned his glass to the table filling it again with Scotch. “The first time I met him he was still General Darius. A great and powerful man, he could have taken the world and ruled it for centuries. Then of course, he took Tearys at the gates of what is now called Paris. Fools the pair of them. ”
Joe pounced (metaphorically of course, even without the alcohol already in his system he didn’t tend to do much actual pouncing) on the information. “You knew the ‘immortal at the gate?’ Do you know how long we have been trying to get information about him?”
“I know Joe. I was a watcher too remember, I don’t really know much about him. His name was Tearys, and he had lived in and around what was at the time referred to as Lutetia for most of his life. He had been born in the area back before it was a city at all. I was never sure exactly when.” Methos shrugged. “There were no consistent calendars back then. You marked your life by the passing of the seasons and after awhile you just stopped doing that. He lived in Lutetia, and he died for Lutetia. Then, of course, the man who took his head moved in and lived in Lutetia too and there Darius stayed preaching peace to wayward young immortals, playing chess, and brewing terrible beer.”
Amanda laughed. “When Rebecca introduced me to him, that was the first thing she warned me of, to never take a drink from him. I think he enjoyed shocking us.”
“His nettle ale was passable if you were desperate, but that horrible moss sludge he was working on when he died should have been incinerated as a public health hazard.” Methos grinned.
Duncan looked up contemplating Methos. “So Darius just stayed, like Tearys. Was the man I knew really Darius or was he Tearys? Did the quickening just take over?”
Methos shrugged before finally admitting, “There was certainly a lot of Tearys in Darius, but, no, he was still Darius or maybe he was both of them. Darius was more willing to travel than Tearys ever was. You wouldn’t have met Tearys on the battlefields. And Tearys was a terrible chess player. I don‘t really know Macleod. Any way, it‘s your turn.”
“Anyone would think you were trying to change the subject Methos. Oh, all right, then.” Duncan, grinned slightly, deciding to change the mood again. He’d ask again later. “I have never hacked into the watchers network and altered the chronicles just to make myself look better.”
Methos scowled as he drank. “It was just a tiny little change, I was correcting a reporting error.”
“Reporting error, you just didn’t want to history to remember you as someone who sleeps with goats.”
“Particularly as I didn’t. I was tainted by association just because I was in the same general area.”
“The same general area of the bedroom.” Macleod laughed
“Macleod I‘m never telling you anything again. You are about as discrete as a 20 foot billboard. I had no control over what other people in the room chose to do. At least I didn‘t spend my formative years copulating with sheep.”
“I did not. That’s a complete lie. You can’t believe him, he’s just…”
“I don’t know, Duncan. It would explain your table manners when we first met.” Amanda smirked. “Anyway it’s my turn now so stop pouting. Hmmm, I have never made a habit of slipping out the back door whenever my lover’s student turned up.”
She grinned as Methos drained his glass “Ha I knew it,” Amanda said pointing at Methos. “I knew there was another immortal ducking me whenever I came back unexpectedly. That was you lurking when I took my first head wasn‘t it?”
Methos grinned, tilting his head in brief acknowledgment but didn’t give any details.
Amanda smirked “It used to drive me nuts. I knew she was hiding someone. I used to make up all these stories about who it could be and why he never wanted to be seen. I never thought it would be the world’s oldest immortal. I thought maybe you were royalty or something protecting your jewels.”
“No, just an old immortal protecting his head, and his coins.” Methos smiled. “My turn again, never ever have I cried at Wind in the Willows.”
Duncan took a sullen gulp of scotch. “I was drunk and it had been a long day and it’s a very sad film. Mole couldn‘t find his home.”
“You were inconsolable for over an hour.” Methos pointed out. “I’ve seen six year olds taking the news the family pet died acting with more poise.”
“It’s Richie’s turn,” Joe pointed out to head off another argument, smiling at the little tidbit
Richie blinked in confusion, suddenly thrown back into the conversation from which he had been excluded as the older immortals reminisced. He smiled as he thought of a good question. “Er - never have I ever dressed as a woman.” He and Joe laughed happily as the three older immortals drank.
“Hey, it was Shakespeare. I’ll have you know I was a great Kate.” Duncan crossed his arms pretending to be miffed.
“That’s not what your chronicle says. According to your watcher, you wanted Kate to be nicer,” Joe pointed out with a grin.
Methos laughed happily. “Ahh the theatre, the stage, the crowds. An actor must play his part.” He mused leaving his friends to draw their own conclusions.
Part 2
Title: Never Ever
Characters: Methos, Duncan, Amanda, Richie, Joe.
Beta: thanks to
dswdianefor taking the time to beta. Any remaining mistakes are of course my own.
Warning/Rating: PG-13, mentions slash, het and femslash relationships lots of drinking (just as well their livers regenerate)
Summary: Joe wants answers, Richie wants to see the others drunk, Duncan and Amanda want to have fun, and Methos just wants free drinks. They play 'Never have I ever' the last to pass out wins.
Author’s Notes: Once again Methos has taken over my story but you'll be happy to know the other character occasionally get a word in edgeways. On a side note this is actually based in the same universe as Methos' secrets, although they are both completely seperate fics you can see the occasional hint here.
Joe ran a cloth over the bar as the last of the paying customers left, eyeing the redheaded young man rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet.
“Sounds like an invitation to bankruptcy or liver failure to me.” Joe complained.
“Come on Joe it’ll be fun. Think of all the holes you can fill in, in your chronicles,” Richie said.
Joe cast his gaze doubtfully over the other three people at the bar. Methos, the world’s oldest man, sat at the other side of the bar happily consuming his 15th beer of the night. He was listening to Amanda and Duncan bicker amicably over the details of a misadventure 200 odd years ago.
“I don’t know Rich? Don’t you think the rest of us are a bit old for college drinking games? Did the others even say they would play?” Joe asked sceptically
“Mac’s in a good mood, Amanda thinks it’ll be funny and Methos is up for anything that involves free booze. What’d you say? I’ve always wanted to see the old man drunk; nobody should be able to put away that much beer and stand up straight. It’s not natural, even for us. The rest of us get drunk, eventually he must too.”
Joe stared doubtfully at his whiskey stocks “And why are we using my scotch?”
Richie grinned at him “It’s research for the watchers; you can probably put it on expenses or something.”
“Fine, but you,” Joe said as he pointed meaningfully at Methos, “are not allowed to lie.”
“Scouts honour.” Methos grinned stretching out his legs and slouching into his familiar sprawl. “Though given the rules I might end up drinking you out of house and home.”
Amanda shot a quick impish grin at Richie before skipping over to one of the tables. “So are we going to play then? Since this whole thing was your idea Richie, why don’t we go youngest to oldest?”
Joe sighed, pulling out a couple of bottles and setting them down as the rest of the group sat around the table. He pulled out a tape recorder and grinned at the four immortals. “Just for the record.”
“So - er everyone knows how to play right? We take turns saying something we’ve never done and everyone who has, has to take a shot and then tell us about it.” Richie explained quickly “Except, well you don’t have to tell us about every time or anything, and if you want you can say something you have done but then you have to drink too.”
“I think we all know how to play ‘I have never’ Richie,” Methos drawled, draining the last of his beer “Although I should point out I don’t remember everything I’ve ever done.”
Four sets of eyes turned expectantly to Richie, who frowned in thought. “Okay, then, um, never have I ever ridden a horse.” The three older immortals downed their shots quickly, shrugging at the inanity of the question
“Okay Joe, something we don’t already know this time please.” Amanda pouted.
“All right then, um never ever have I met Jesus Christ.”
Five sets of eyes turned to Methos who shrugged innocently as he drained another glass. “What? I wasn’t in the area for long. I’m not fond of civil unrest.”
“Come on man you can’t leave it like that, what was he like? I mean, was he?”
Methos turned his gaze steadily to Joe who trailed off. “Two friends and I noticed some interesting astronomical convergences; we went to investigate and eventually found a baby. We came, we saw, and then we left.”
Joe choked. “You were one of the three Magi? Seriously?”
“I was interested in astronomy at the time. Anyway who’s next?”
Duncan scowled at the evasion but continued, “I have never…. played this game before.”
Four more shots were taken. Joe filling his glass with water (in deference to his unfortunately mortal liver) as the immortals topped their glasses up with more scotch.
Amanda laughed at them. “Okay, if we’re going to play this lets get to the fun questions already. Hmm, I have never... slept with triplets.”
She grinned as both Methos and Duncan took another drink, looking doubtfully at her. “Seriously I haven’t, twins sure and even these sweet quadruplets I was touring with once, but never triplets, go figure. So boys, when? Where?”
“I went drinking at this tavern in Normandy with Fitz and picked up three lovely lasses.” Duncan smiled at the memory.
“Oh yes, I remember this story. When you woke up you found they had relieved you of your purses and taken off into the night.” Amanda giggled. “How awful. Come on Methos what about you?”
“Hmmm.. there was this party in Rome, terrible food and worse musicians, but the triplets were fun.” Methos leaned back happily in his seat to ponder his turn
“Okay then since we’re on the topic of sex never ever have I slept with Richie.” Methos grinned at Duncan’s spluttering as Amanda took a long drink.
Richie scowled unhappily at Methos, but Amanda just shrugged unembarrassed. “What? he’s an adult and I can sleep with anyone I want. Are you jealous? That‘s really sweet.”
“Don’t you think you’re a little old for him?” Macleod asked unhappily
“Oh please. Am I supposed to limit myself to century old immortals? I was just helping with his education.”
“Hey,” Richie interrupted indignantly, “I’m not a kid, and as far as I know Amanda is a free agent. How did you even know anyway old man?”
“I’m very old and very wise.”
“And he saw me leave your apartment,” Amanda interrupted. “Your turn again Richie?”
“Fine, since he did it to me, never have I ever slept with a 5000 year old know it all.” Methos grinned watching Richie’s face as both Mac and Amanda drank. “You, but that’s, you slept with Mac? He‘s a guy.”
“You noticed? Obviously you need to have your horizons broadened.” Methos said
“No, absolutely not. You will not be broadening his horizons. He has been quite educated enough for one century. Let him find people he likes his own age,” Macleod interjected quickly
“Relax. I wasn’t offering my services Mac, but I can help find him a nice boy his own age here in Paris if he’s curious.”
“Hey, I’m quite happy with the ladies. What are you? A pimp?” Richie asked.
“Not this century,” Methos stated happily. “And I prefer the term housemaster. My establishments had class.”
“It’s true. They did, rich class. I miss that place. You always saved me the best customers like that generous and slightly naive young Duke,” Amanda practically purred. “I still have a pair of diamond earrings he gave me tucked away. I used the matching bracelet to escape France during the Terror.”
“It’s a miracle anyone escaped the pair of you with so much as the shirt on their backs,” Joe added wryly making a mental note to check Amanda’s chronicles to try and work out which bordello they had worked in.
“Of course they did.” Methos slouched deeper in his chair. “They don’t come back if they feel cheated. Small expensive tokens regularly are far better for business than bankrupting people. I like to keep my clients well satisfied.”
“Oh god, someone make them stop. Quick Joe take your turn before he starts giving business lessons,” Richie interrupted, he shuddered. “Or worse.”
“Okay, okay as interesting as the sex lives of immortals are I’ve been wondering about this awhile, so never ever have I met Darius.” Joe said
Methos returned his glass to the table filling it again with Scotch. “The first time I met him he was still General Darius. A great and powerful man, he could have taken the world and ruled it for centuries. Then of course, he took Tearys at the gates of what is now called Paris. Fools the pair of them. ”
Joe pounced (metaphorically of course, even without the alcohol already in his system he didn’t tend to do much actual pouncing) on the information. “You knew the ‘immortal at the gate?’ Do you know how long we have been trying to get information about him?”
“I know Joe. I was a watcher too remember, I don’t really know much about him. His name was Tearys, and he had lived in and around what was at the time referred to as Lutetia for most of his life. He had been born in the area back before it was a city at all. I was never sure exactly when.” Methos shrugged. “There were no consistent calendars back then. You marked your life by the passing of the seasons and after awhile you just stopped doing that. He lived in Lutetia, and he died for Lutetia. Then, of course, the man who took his head moved in and lived in Lutetia too and there Darius stayed preaching peace to wayward young immortals, playing chess, and brewing terrible beer.”
Amanda laughed. “When Rebecca introduced me to him, that was the first thing she warned me of, to never take a drink from him. I think he enjoyed shocking us.”
“His nettle ale was passable if you were desperate, but that horrible moss sludge he was working on when he died should have been incinerated as a public health hazard.” Methos grinned.
Duncan looked up contemplating Methos. “So Darius just stayed, like Tearys. Was the man I knew really Darius or was he Tearys? Did the quickening just take over?”
Methos shrugged before finally admitting, “There was certainly a lot of Tearys in Darius, but, no, he was still Darius or maybe he was both of them. Darius was more willing to travel than Tearys ever was. You wouldn’t have met Tearys on the battlefields. And Tearys was a terrible chess player. I don‘t really know Macleod. Any way, it‘s your turn.”
“Anyone would think you were trying to change the subject Methos. Oh, all right, then.” Duncan, grinned slightly, deciding to change the mood again. He’d ask again later. “I have never hacked into the watchers network and altered the chronicles just to make myself look better.”
Methos scowled as he drank. “It was just a tiny little change, I was correcting a reporting error.”
“Reporting error, you just didn’t want to history to remember you as someone who sleeps with goats.”
“Particularly as I didn’t. I was tainted by association just because I was in the same general area.”
“The same general area of the bedroom.” Macleod laughed
“Macleod I‘m never telling you anything again. You are about as discrete as a 20 foot billboard. I had no control over what other people in the room chose to do. At least I didn‘t spend my formative years copulating with sheep.”
“I did not. That’s a complete lie. You can’t believe him, he’s just…”
“I don’t know, Duncan. It would explain your table manners when we first met.” Amanda smirked. “Anyway it’s my turn now so stop pouting. Hmmm, I have never made a habit of slipping out the back door whenever my lover’s student turned up.”
She grinned as Methos drained his glass “Ha I knew it,” Amanda said pointing at Methos. “I knew there was another immortal ducking me whenever I came back unexpectedly. That was you lurking when I took my first head wasn‘t it?”
Methos grinned, tilting his head in brief acknowledgment but didn’t give any details.
Amanda smirked “It used to drive me nuts. I knew she was hiding someone. I used to make up all these stories about who it could be and why he never wanted to be seen. I never thought it would be the world’s oldest immortal. I thought maybe you were royalty or something protecting your jewels.”
“No, just an old immortal protecting his head, and his coins.” Methos smiled. “My turn again, never ever have I cried at Wind in the Willows.”
Duncan took a sullen gulp of scotch. “I was drunk and it had been a long day and it’s a very sad film. Mole couldn‘t find his home.”
“You were inconsolable for over an hour.” Methos pointed out. “I’ve seen six year olds taking the news the family pet died acting with more poise.”
“It’s Richie’s turn,” Joe pointed out to head off another argument, smiling at the little tidbit
Richie blinked in confusion, suddenly thrown back into the conversation from which he had been excluded as the older immortals reminisced. He smiled as he thought of a good question. “Er - never have I ever dressed as a woman.” He and Joe laughed happily as the three older immortals drank.
“Hey, it was Shakespeare. I’ll have you know I was a great Kate.” Duncan crossed his arms pretending to be miffed.
“That’s not what your chronicle says. According to your watcher, you wanted Kate to be nicer,” Joe pointed out with a grin.
Methos laughed happily. “Ahh the theatre, the stage, the crowds. An actor must play his part.” He mused leaving his friends to draw their own conclusions.
Part 2