time and again...
um first off
life is bullshit
it seems, just to have that fucking 2 hour conversation with sam
i'm giving up like 3 and a half years worth of friendship with becca
and i know im not really
but it feels like i am
and i know it doenst have anything to do with it
but lets face the facts
i can't have both of them.
my relationship with sam could only have happened away from becca
and ever seeing him again, would most likely happen away from becca
if i ever marry him or move near him or anything to try to salvage the relationship;
i'd be moving away from becca
even now, just that one conversation, one of the most important ones i've had in 645 days
and whens the last time i've spent 5 minutes alone with becca?
a long time ago i'll tell you that
i just dont know
i dont knowww...lskdfnoascnslkdafj
and it sucks that...
two of the most important and influential people in my life
probably the two that i could tell the most to
and have told the most to (aside from josh, but i cant even talk to him in person anymore, which is another thing by the way)
are the ones that are being...held captive...from me, if i may put it that way
i cant stand barely talking to either of them
and i've dealt with not seeing sam for the last...
oh i dont know
645 days
yeah, i counted
pathetic huh
but i don't know how much longer i can do this
where does all that love go?
i mean, he has just about my whole heart
if hes not here for me to express that love to...
where does it go?
that could be another reason ive liked all these random guys all the time
all of this emotion is being like...repressed
and bottled up
like if you bottle up your anger, once someone pushes you over the edge you just gotta get it out
well basically i had bottled up my love
(a long time ago)
and ever since its been like spilling over onto random people that (oh forgive me) i've been basically using to try to get over sam
not consciously, mind you. i wouldn't try to be a bitch like that
but thats not the point. the point is that if i dont have him here to express my emotions to, those emotions have to go somewhere
i can't repress them, theyre too strong and its really hard
i don't know what to do with myself
i feel like my life is over, like nothing else could ever matter
last night i was thinking, and i replayed my first kiss
and i remember being shocked that he asked me before he kissed me
and i thought it was sweet
and the way it was like breaking a barrier of some sort
and how the taste stayed in my mouth until the next day
i mean, it was only that one night
cause every other time it was gone like soon
but...that first time
it jsut stayed with me
and i remember telling erika, and i was like
i can still taste it
mmm
and it was so cute, he had a little prickly mustache type deal
nothing serious, and at first it just like tickled and it was a little annoying
but then it was gone and i was like WHAT! you shaved it!! and i was all sad
yeah
i cant stop thinking
is there anything i can do
what can i do
i'll do anything
can i move
can i steal a car and drive up there
but i'll probably die on the way since i dont know how
i'll drive the lawnmower
is that illegal?
i want him to come here
i want to just lay in my backyard with him and look at the stars
today i told my aunt that thats where i wanted to get married
and shes like thats nice, and then she said all i'd need after to rent was the caterer and tents, and im like yea...then she starts laughing bout how i have the place and stuff and all i need is the husband
and i thought, and i'm just like...yeah.
i didnt want to tell her i already had someone in mind
shed think i was crazy
I think i'm crazy
i am crazy.
i dunno, i want to talk to him
but i havent been able to since that first conversation
and i just...dont know anymore.
all i know is that i love him.
but...is it really enough?
life is bullshit
it seems, just to have that fucking 2 hour conversation with sam
i'm giving up like 3 and a half years worth of friendship with becca
and i know im not really
but it feels like i am
and i know it doenst have anything to do with it
but lets face the facts
i can't have both of them.
my relationship with sam could only have happened away from becca
and ever seeing him again, would most likely happen away from becca
if i ever marry him or move near him or anything to try to salvage the relationship;
i'd be moving away from becca
even now, just that one conversation, one of the most important ones i've had in 645 days
and whens the last time i've spent 5 minutes alone with becca?
a long time ago i'll tell you that
i just dont know
i dont knowww...lskdfnoascnslkdafj
and it sucks that...
two of the most important and influential people in my life
probably the two that i could tell the most to
and have told the most to (aside from josh, but i cant even talk to him in person anymore, which is another thing by the way)
are the ones that are being...held captive...from me, if i may put it that way
i cant stand barely talking to either of them
and i've dealt with not seeing sam for the last...
oh i dont know
645 days
yeah, i counted
pathetic huh
but i don't know how much longer i can do this
where does all that love go?
i mean, he has just about my whole heart
if hes not here for me to express that love to...
where does it go?
that could be another reason ive liked all these random guys all the time
all of this emotion is being like...repressed
and bottled up
like if you bottle up your anger, once someone pushes you over the edge you just gotta get it out
well basically i had bottled up my love
(a long time ago)
and ever since its been like spilling over onto random people that (oh forgive me) i've been basically using to try to get over sam
not consciously, mind you. i wouldn't try to be a bitch like that
but thats not the point. the point is that if i dont have him here to express my emotions to, those emotions have to go somewhere
i can't repress them, theyre too strong and its really hard
i don't know what to do with myself
i feel like my life is over, like nothing else could ever matter
last night i was thinking, and i replayed my first kiss
and i remember being shocked that he asked me before he kissed me
and i thought it was sweet
and the way it was like breaking a barrier of some sort
and how the taste stayed in my mouth until the next day
i mean, it was only that one night
cause every other time it was gone like soon
but...that first time
it jsut stayed with me
and i remember telling erika, and i was like
i can still taste it
mmm
and it was so cute, he had a little prickly mustache type deal
nothing serious, and at first it just like tickled and it was a little annoying
but then it was gone and i was like WHAT! you shaved it!! and i was all sad
yeah
i cant stop thinking
is there anything i can do
what can i do
i'll do anything
can i move
can i steal a car and drive up there
but i'll probably die on the way since i dont know how
i'll drive the lawnmower
is that illegal?
i want him to come here
i want to just lay in my backyard with him and look at the stars
today i told my aunt that thats where i wanted to get married
and shes like thats nice, and then she said all i'd need after to rent was the caterer and tents, and im like yea...then she starts laughing bout how i have the place and stuff and all i need is the husband
and i thought, and i'm just like...yeah.
i didnt want to tell her i already had someone in mind
shed think i was crazy
I think i'm crazy
i am crazy.
i dunno, i want to talk to him
but i havent been able to since that first conversation
and i just...dont know anymore.
all i know is that i love him.
but...is it really enough?