Never
Never is a powerful and scary word when used in the right context. How could someone say that they are never happy, or never angry, or never loved you is it really possible? Maybe it isn't but the power of hearing those words can last a life time. I don't love you i never did and i never will, will haunt me for as long as I hold it inside. To hold onto those words so painful and to not understand where they came from or why i needed to hear them was too much for me. A person can fully change in a year, I mean completely so they are no longer any aspect of who they were, sometimes it takes less time but the remnance of that pervious person still lingers in them, in there soul. It takes a year to chase out everything that you really are and become something you are not but once you are something that you really don't want to be or really don't understand or really are not then it could take you a life time to become who you really are, sometimes a lifetime isnt long enough and sometimes a life time is way too short. I was with you for 2 years and i would have given you everything, I lost my virginity to you but it just felt like you up and took it, I helped you with everything you were going through but it felt like I was always been played like a guitar, constantly picked at. I wanted you so bad and I thought that I loved you but I just loved being with you even though you treated me like shit. But loving being with you was good enough, that was good enough for my body, that was good enough for my brain and that was good enough for my heart. I die a little more everyday thinking about you even though you have long since gone. I dont think in the history of the world it has ever taken someone so long to get over his ex. I have been so destructive since the day you left, I have stealed and piledged and taken and soiled. I have done everything to get the acceptable from others that I didnt get from you, I would do anything to get someone to love on that highest level but whats the point I don't think i can return that love anymore. I would tear the skin a little more to know i feel to know I could still pain and i do I cut in a little deeper everytime i start to feel like i am feeling again to make sure i cant feel pain because of it, but you know I always do. The rebounds were plentiful and the one night stands, random hook ups and one week relationships have been off the charts maybe too many. Maybe I have completely destroyed what man I was maybe I am no longer one that is capable of loving. My focus is once again scattered which isnt good there are so many hats to try on why wear one for the rest of your life.... Well maybe cause thats when you find true happiness, but I dont know I have never been there that island in the sun still eludes me. I wish i had gone to Puerto Rico cause that was my first mistake, I ran away from you I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and being that I was a smart man I hadnt experience that too much before and maybe i was in it to get my dick wet, with someone that I knew would always be willing to wet it but that certainly wasnt the only reason. Originally I think I completely felt that so maybe i deserved what I got and she was always plotting on me. Everyday I say I am over her she hasn't seen my face long enough to talk to me in 3 years but I still dream about her and when i hear her sing or hear her name a tear always drops in the pot in my heart. A tear always falls into that empty. For you I would have bled myself dry and maybe I still will yet. I thought you might come back and still think today that you would if you could ever get away from your American Dream with your white picket fence, your fiance, and your special life that you have worked so long for. I broke into the old Apartment this is where we used to live this is what i used to feel this is what i used to do this is who is used to be. These things used to be mine i guess i think they still are I want them back. I can tell how sexual someone is by smelling them in normal situations but that is more of a curse than anything cause sometimes thats a bad thing to know. I am lost... I am so lost... People think i should open up to someone else to take care of this problem I am having not getting over this girl I haven't seen in three years well its not that easy and when you use one sort of method to cover it up and cover how you feel you may never be able to go back to who you are. WE are constantly evolving for a lot of us that isnt a good thing, I would have much rather not evolve and be safe in a safe setting and just breathe. What really is after death? Death seems to be so mysterious maybe cause its the only thing I think i have never felt, that and acceptance and love from an individual i am able to be physical with. Maybe I am not supposed to be physical with someone... if that is the case why am i so sexual? I certainly have no idea. I am not going to let them catch the midnight rider. I dont own the cloths I wear and the road goes on foverever, but where? I have one more silver dollar, maybe one more chance maybe one more opertunity. I am craving for that baby, I feel like maybe that will solve everything. Ice cream solves things sometimes. BUT LOVE IS BETTER THAN ICE CREAM BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT I'VE KNOWN. I long for love even if for only a second only in an instant only a moment. I REALLY think i like the girl in the campus center that swipes the cards but am I being real. I think i have charmed her sometimes its too easy. I got the hook up at work though i dont know how long that could last but for now my dick is wet though is that really what I need? I think i needed something that was going to clear away everything i was thinking and feeling and just let me be for a little while. So i got my dick sucked.....? I feel so dirty but at the same time wholesome. Maybe I am everyones father here I feel like I give so much advice about thinks i dont believe and dont do. I feel like I could tell you what the 'right answer is' but really do you want to hear that or will even listen to it' I could tell you what I have done but then you will feel less for me as I have erased all the gold and WHEN THAT STRAW GOES INTO THE FIRE ALL THATS GOING TO COME OUT IS COAL. A lifetime worth of coal that is what I have and the accomblishments in my life are nothing because they are self centered and they are emptiness. I once was pure I once was ok I once was here I once Loved I once felt like a man I once could tell you how I really felt I once wasnt a con man I once lived and three times died so what else is there for me.
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