I should have just saved the cost of a stamp to be betrayed.
For the first time today, I'm sitting in silence and the only noise I hear is the tapping of the keyboard. (Maybe I could record it and the rhythm of my thoughts turing into that sound could be considered performance art? haha please, if I ever become that elitest/insane let me know)
But the quiet is nice.
I've been trying to lay low for the past month or so, stay out of any drama and just recharge before summer starts. I've been kind of down lately, nothing serious, until I had 2 panic attacks within a week. As much as I'd like to ignore they happened, I never want to go through another one again. I broke down and made an appointment with my doctor, who will probably put me back on meds, which I didn't really want to go back on and was proud I didn't need them anymore. I've been working out this winter and trying to eat better, etc... but it wasn't enough I guess.
Things are alright though. School is fine and frankly I'm bored and am completely apathetic to going, which is awful, I know. I just need to find a job for the summer, or then I'll really be freaking out. I just want to prove to the world that I'm worth something. I really haven't been feeling like I'm much of anything. I see my friends making plans and getting jobs they went to school for and planning trips and basically living their life. And I'm so thrilled for them, slightly jealous, but mostly I ask myself 'Why am I not doing those things?' And I really don't know, so I really should not be asking myself questions like that.
The biggest drama or episode as of late, is the one that has been ongoing for 8 years now, and when it comes down to it, it's not even really my problem. After all these years, Joe's girlfriend still thinks there is more going on between us that couldn't be further from the truth. I do love the kid, in the sense that he's my oldest friend and the word friend isn't enough. But that doesn't mean I want to bang him. Gross. And it's not like our friendship has only effected theirs. A few guys I've dated never fully understood how a guy could be my best friend. (Which I found kind of odd because most guys are laid back about that kind of stuff, I thought) And sometimes I wonder if having a best friend be a guy has held me back on meeting someone or not really committing to someone, knowing that Joe will always be there if I need help. And I agree, it's unfair, I realize that and want to change it.
A few weeks ago Joe and I had a talk that basically summed up our friendship, our lives, passions, etc... and it had been years since we talked like that. (Well, mostly Joe talked and I listened) So to follow up/conclude, I wrote him a letter about the personal things I'd been going through and a few other things we talked about. It was a hard letter to write as I'm an extremely private person (Ironic I'm writing this on a website, I know) But I sent it because I knew I could trust him and he'd understand.
A few weeks went by. I went to Joe's band's show the other night, had a drink with Joe's girlfriend. And she brought up how Joe let her read the letter. Granted, I understand why he did it, so she knew there wasn't anything going on. But to me, that doesn't really justify what he did. And it hurts, and I feel completely betrayed by the one person I would have told those things to. Maybe I'm partly to blame and shouldn't have written them down, but I'm better a writing sometimes.
I got to thinking about how it is Joe and I have been friends for so long. Sure I have Sarah, who I still hangout with occasionally and have about a phone call a week and love her dearly. I still talk to Nancy every once in awhile. I've noticed most long term friendships to just eventually turn into a random phone call every once in awhile, as people grow apart or just simply live their lives. But how or why have Joe and I not outgrown each other and moved on?
Am I in the wrong for being upset about this? I understand where his girlfriend is coming from, but it's been 8 years, if something was going to happen between us, it would have happened by now. How is it that her insecurities justify him letting her read my letter?
I forgive him, but I won't forget. And if it seems like I'm writing too much it's because I'm really upset.
Maybe the question of "Can men and women really just be friends?" explored in When Harry Met Sally, but how long can a friendship between a guy and a girl last?
But the quiet is nice.
I've been trying to lay low for the past month or so, stay out of any drama and just recharge before summer starts. I've been kind of down lately, nothing serious, until I had 2 panic attacks within a week. As much as I'd like to ignore they happened, I never want to go through another one again. I broke down and made an appointment with my doctor, who will probably put me back on meds, which I didn't really want to go back on and was proud I didn't need them anymore. I've been working out this winter and trying to eat better, etc... but it wasn't enough I guess.
Things are alright though. School is fine and frankly I'm bored and am completely apathetic to going, which is awful, I know. I just need to find a job for the summer, or then I'll really be freaking out. I just want to prove to the world that I'm worth something. I really haven't been feeling like I'm much of anything. I see my friends making plans and getting jobs they went to school for and planning trips and basically living their life. And I'm so thrilled for them, slightly jealous, but mostly I ask myself 'Why am I not doing those things?' And I really don't know, so I really should not be asking myself questions like that.
The biggest drama or episode as of late, is the one that has been ongoing for 8 years now, and when it comes down to it, it's not even really my problem. After all these years, Joe's girlfriend still thinks there is more going on between us that couldn't be further from the truth. I do love the kid, in the sense that he's my oldest friend and the word friend isn't enough. But that doesn't mean I want to bang him. Gross. And it's not like our friendship has only effected theirs. A few guys I've dated never fully understood how a guy could be my best friend. (Which I found kind of odd because most guys are laid back about that kind of stuff, I thought) And sometimes I wonder if having a best friend be a guy has held me back on meeting someone or not really committing to someone, knowing that Joe will always be there if I need help. And I agree, it's unfair, I realize that and want to change it.
A few weeks ago Joe and I had a talk that basically summed up our friendship, our lives, passions, etc... and it had been years since we talked like that. (Well, mostly Joe talked and I listened) So to follow up/conclude, I wrote him a letter about the personal things I'd been going through and a few other things we talked about. It was a hard letter to write as I'm an extremely private person (Ironic I'm writing this on a website, I know) But I sent it because I knew I could trust him and he'd understand.
A few weeks went by. I went to Joe's band's show the other night, had a drink with Joe's girlfriend. And she brought up how Joe let her read the letter. Granted, I understand why he did it, so she knew there wasn't anything going on. But to me, that doesn't really justify what he did. And it hurts, and I feel completely betrayed by the one person I would have told those things to. Maybe I'm partly to blame and shouldn't have written them down, but I'm better a writing sometimes.
I got to thinking about how it is Joe and I have been friends for so long. Sure I have Sarah, who I still hangout with occasionally and have about a phone call a week and love her dearly. I still talk to Nancy every once in awhile. I've noticed most long term friendships to just eventually turn into a random phone call every once in awhile, as people grow apart or just simply live their lives. But how or why have Joe and I not outgrown each other and moved on?
Am I in the wrong for being upset about this? I understand where his girlfriend is coming from, but it's been 8 years, if something was going to happen between us, it would have happened by now. How is it that her insecurities justify him letting her read my letter?
I forgive him, but I won't forget. And if it seems like I'm writing too much it's because I'm really upset.
Maybe the question of "Can men and women really just be friends?" explored in When Harry Met Sally, but how long can a friendship between a guy and a girl last?