this is not goodbye
damn... i can't believe it's been a month and a half since i wrote my last journal entry. that time surely flew by hella fast. i've been so busy with this final month of school though, it was hard finding time for anything. but, this past friday was in fact my graduation, and if you've been following my previous journal entries, you'll know exactly what that means!
let me start from august 17-19, which were the days of filming our demo reels. they all had a student-based crew, except for the director whose position alternated between 2 instructors - my crush (dan), of course, being one of them. i was assigned to be on crew all three days, and my reel was shot on the thursday, along with one other pair. dan was only filming thursday and friday. it went really well on thursday, except for the fact that it took fucking FOREVER. we had to meet at 8:30 every morning at the school, and then ride out to wherever the location was that we were filming. on thursday we were filming at a sort of boonie-ish location about 40 minutes out of town, so getting there took a little bit of time (i managed to shotgun front seat in dan's car, though, so i'm not really complaining, hehe). when we got to the location, set-up took the most time. we shot the other pair's demo first, which didn't finish until about 3:00. once that was done, we all grabbed some pizza, and then headed over to the other location nearby to shoot my demo. the set-up for that took even longer... like 5 hours. it was crazy! who knew that light adjustment was so complicated? so we didn't even start shooting until about 8:00, and that lasted all the way up until 1:00 in the morning. i was so exhausted, and i know it was affecting my acting, but whatever, i still survived. once we wrapped that up, dan drove us all back to the city, and what was actually really sweet was that he dropped everyone else off first and so when i was alone with him he asked me if i was hungry, i said yes, and so he took me to mcdonalds and bought me a salad! haha, i know, not exactly romantic, but it was late and the gesture on its own was really nice. then he just drove me home afterwards. the next day we shot 2 of the other scenes, so we met at the school at 8:30 as usual, and then drove over to that location. luckily they were both being shot at the exact same location. now, remember way back when i mentioned that 27-year-old chick in the class who i felt has a crush on dan too? well, her demo was being shot that day, so of course she was there. and of course i got jealous every single moment they interacted. BUT, my job, as it was the day before also, was to do focus-pulling (which is the person who stands right next to the camera to adjust the focus), so the entire time i was essentially joined to the hip with dan, which was really awesome. of course, when it came around to do the girl's scene, she blew it out of the water with her emotions, which probably impressed him way more than i did, but whatever. it really bugged me at the time, but not so much anymore... as i shall explain later. anyway, shooting didn't go on for as long that day, we wrapped at about 10:00, which was still late, but not as bad. actually, now that i remember, there was a really sweet moment as we were packing up all the equipment, when dan and i were alone in a room together and he asked me - only me - if i wanted to go join him for a beer after. the inner me went crazy, but of course i just calmly said sure. unfortunately, that plan got kinda shot down later once he was dropping everyone off, and at the last minute offered one of the other girls a ride home, which was out at that location 40 minutes away. the nice thing, though, was that i got to tag along for the ride, but the downside was that he ended up forgetting about going out for drinks, and by that time it was too late to still go out. so i was pretty bummed out by that, but i got over it.
after that whole ordeal, dan took the next week off in order to edit all the demos at home. he came in that friday, though, to record a few little foley sounds for our scene, and asked me - again, only me - to stay after school for a bit to help him record them. so, we did that, and working in such close quarters with him is always a treat.
then september 1st came along before i knew it, which was when things really started cooking. it was our last day of actual class, which was still spent doing work, but afterwards they started setting up for our graduation, which was the next day. i stayed behind for a bit to help, as usual, and then at one point when dan and i were sitting together, he asked me - again, ONLY ME - if i wanted to come back later that evening to help him continue setting up. now, the only issue i had with that was that my mom was flying into town that evening at 7. so i told him that i could come back to help afterwards, if he was still planning on being around. he mentioned that he had to leave and then come back anyway, so yes. i know that makes me sound terrible for not wanting to spend that night with my mom, but technically i was dedicated to helping with the graduation, so she completely understood. so, i headed over to the airport to pick her up, brought her back to the hotel, walked around a bit, then headed back to the hotel. i had told dan that i'd be available by 8. he didn't text me until 10. and i had graduation next morning... haha. definitely wasn't planning on staying out late, but oh was it worth it. so he had gone out and bought all these materials to make a huge screen to display all the demo reels on. so, we got started on that, and i swear the whole night was just amazing. probably one of our best. we just did a lot of teasing and having fun, so i had a really great time. we didn't finish until about 2:30, lol, but afterwards he took me out for some pizza and then drove me home, which was really sweet.
THEN THE NEXT DAY... GRADUATION... oh man, where do i even begin? first of all, i was like a zombie that morning because of the night before, and had to get up at 7 to get all ready. it was brutal, but i survived. so, the actual ceremony went pretty well overall, we opened with a quick little improv show for the audience, then headed into the actual distributing of certificates and giving speeches, then we ended with the whole lineup of our demo reels. they were fucking fantastic! i was really impressed with how they all turned out, especially mine. there were a few minor accidental details that bugged me, but overall i was very happy with it (i've uploaded it to youtube, so you can check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kW_Mc3iS0fA ). so after all that, everyone just sort of sauntered out or stuck around. i stuck around just to help clean up and all that, while at the same time all the other students were trying to figure out a place to go for drinks and food after or something. when they decided on a place, they started heading out to it. i just told them i would catch up to them later, and stuck around to help dan and the rest of the staff clean up first. when i had a moment with him, i asked if he was planning on going out for drinks with everyone else also, and he said yes, so i decided i would just go along with him once we were done. when we did finish, we left and walked to his car first just to drop off a bunch of our stuff so we wouldn't have to carry it. he let me put my stuff in there too, which kinda surprised me, since it would mean that i'd have to go back with him after to get it. i have to wonder if he did that on purpose! so then we headed over to the restaurant to meet up with the rest of my classmates and staff. when we arrived, all the space at the tables were pretty much taken up, so i just randomly picked a little 2-seater booth right next to one of the tables to sit at. dan was still going around giving congrats to everyone, but after a few minutes he actually came over and sat right across from me! i was so surprised, i thought for sure he would just squeeze into one of the big tables with everyone else, but nope! unfortunately, though... even though our little booth was a 2-seater, it technically had enough room to squeeze in 2 people per bench, so we weren't given much alone time for very long. and guess who, of all people, decided to come over and squeeze herself in right next to him? yep, that 27-year-old chick. my mood pretty much went downhill from there on, especially after she seemed so intent on STAYING sitting there too. ugh. it wasn't as bad as it could have been though, because at least other people kept coming over and hanging out too, so it's not like it was just me and them. the rest of the night remained pretty much just like that though, at least until we left. after all the goodbyes and whatnot, dan and i turn to leave, and guess who decides to walk in the same direction as us? yup. luckily, she only tagged along until the bus stop a few blocks away, but it was still frustrating at the time. i had to look away when they said goodbye to eachother... they hugged, and i could totally tell that she was drooling all over him. he's so chummy with her too, that's why i get so jealous. BUT, after that last torturous moment, it was pretty much smooth sailing. well, to an extent. we got back into his car and he had to stop by the school real quick to pick something up. in that time, i just waited in the car, desperately trying to come up with what i was going to do - whether i would tell him how i feel, how i would tell him, when i would tell him, etc. it was pretty much moment of truth at that point, the clock was ticking, and i just didn't know if i would have the courage to say anything at all. when he got back into the car, i sort of had my head down and was just brooding. he picked up that something was wrong and asked me about it. i paused for a moment and then very quietly mumbled 'i just don't want to say goodbye.' there was another moment's silence, and then he asked 'to your classmates? ... or me?' my whole body froze and i couldn't spit out an answer so i just remained silent. it was an extremely awkward next few minutes as we were driving, but after those few minutes, he reached over to rub my back and said 'it's gonna be ok.' the tension was eased just a little after that point, but i was still freaking out inside over what that meant, whether it meant 'we' would be ok, or if he was implying i would get over it. so, a few minutes after that, he pulls up in front of my apartment building, and my stuff is still in the trunk, which i had actually completely forgotten about, so he presses the button to open it up and then he actually gets out of the car. i was still in my head at that point and didn't even realize what he was doing until i remembered that my stuff was in the back. so i got out, but then i wondered why he was getting out with me, since it wasn't like i needed help or he was getting anything. so then i get to the back of the car and he pulls me in for a great big hug. i nearly melted. it was so nice... and lasted very long. very very very long. so long to the point where i actually felt like i needed to say something, so i just whispered into his shoulder 'i don't want this to be goodbye...' to which he replied 'this doesn't have to be goodbye.' i swear, a light pretty much ignited in my eyes at those words, and we continued whispering a few things back and forth after that. and we continued hugging for even longer. then there was another long moment of silence, and i said 'sorry, i must be making you feel really awkward,' but then he said 'no, i actually like it, it's nice.' i wanted to cry happy tears at that point, but just continued holding on for dear life. then he was really sweet and said i smelled nice, which is always a compliment i love hearing from guys. then the most fucking sweetest thing happened... HE KISSED ME ON MY CHEEK! i know that's petty compared to a kiss on the lips, but oh man... it's still a pretty big fucking deal to me! i think a kiss on the cheek can say a lot, and in this case i think it's more for good. then when we finally pulled apart, he grabbed my hand and held it!! it was so romantic and everything... ahhhhhhhhhh. then he said that he'll see me again this week, which i'm super stoked for! i don't know what we're gonna do yet, but i'm heading into the school tomorrow to audition for showcase, so i'll see him then. that night was absolutely magical, so i'm only hoping the magic will stay alive. it's gonna be harder now that i don't have school to see him every day, but in a way it'll also be easier too since i'm no longer a student and we can really treat eachother as equals. anyway, fingers crossed it all goes well!!! i'm extremely optimistic at this point!
let me start from august 17-19, which were the days of filming our demo reels. they all had a student-based crew, except for the director whose position alternated between 2 instructors - my crush (dan), of course, being one of them. i was assigned to be on crew all three days, and my reel was shot on the thursday, along with one other pair. dan was only filming thursday and friday. it went really well on thursday, except for the fact that it took fucking FOREVER. we had to meet at 8:30 every morning at the school, and then ride out to wherever the location was that we were filming. on thursday we were filming at a sort of boonie-ish location about 40 minutes out of town, so getting there took a little bit of time (i managed to shotgun front seat in dan's car, though, so i'm not really complaining, hehe). when we got to the location, set-up took the most time. we shot the other pair's demo first, which didn't finish until about 3:00. once that was done, we all grabbed some pizza, and then headed over to the other location nearby to shoot my demo. the set-up for that took even longer... like 5 hours. it was crazy! who knew that light adjustment was so complicated? so we didn't even start shooting until about 8:00, and that lasted all the way up until 1:00 in the morning. i was so exhausted, and i know it was affecting my acting, but whatever, i still survived. once we wrapped that up, dan drove us all back to the city, and what was actually really sweet was that he dropped everyone else off first and so when i was alone with him he asked me if i was hungry, i said yes, and so he took me to mcdonalds and bought me a salad! haha, i know, not exactly romantic, but it was late and the gesture on its own was really nice. then he just drove me home afterwards. the next day we shot 2 of the other scenes, so we met at the school at 8:30 as usual, and then drove over to that location. luckily they were both being shot at the exact same location. now, remember way back when i mentioned that 27-year-old chick in the class who i felt has a crush on dan too? well, her demo was being shot that day, so of course she was there. and of course i got jealous every single moment they interacted. BUT, my job, as it was the day before also, was to do focus-pulling (which is the person who stands right next to the camera to adjust the focus), so the entire time i was essentially joined to the hip with dan, which was really awesome. of course, when it came around to do the girl's scene, she blew it out of the water with her emotions, which probably impressed him way more than i did, but whatever. it really bugged me at the time, but not so much anymore... as i shall explain later. anyway, shooting didn't go on for as long that day, we wrapped at about 10:00, which was still late, but not as bad. actually, now that i remember, there was a really sweet moment as we were packing up all the equipment, when dan and i were alone in a room together and he asked me - only me - if i wanted to go join him for a beer after. the inner me went crazy, but of course i just calmly said sure. unfortunately, that plan got kinda shot down later once he was dropping everyone off, and at the last minute offered one of the other girls a ride home, which was out at that location 40 minutes away. the nice thing, though, was that i got to tag along for the ride, but the downside was that he ended up forgetting about going out for drinks, and by that time it was too late to still go out. so i was pretty bummed out by that, but i got over it.
after that whole ordeal, dan took the next week off in order to edit all the demos at home. he came in that friday, though, to record a few little foley sounds for our scene, and asked me - again, only me - to stay after school for a bit to help him record them. so, we did that, and working in such close quarters with him is always a treat.
then september 1st came along before i knew it, which was when things really started cooking. it was our last day of actual class, which was still spent doing work, but afterwards they started setting up for our graduation, which was the next day. i stayed behind for a bit to help, as usual, and then at one point when dan and i were sitting together, he asked me - again, ONLY ME - if i wanted to come back later that evening to help him continue setting up. now, the only issue i had with that was that my mom was flying into town that evening at 7. so i told him that i could come back to help afterwards, if he was still planning on being around. he mentioned that he had to leave and then come back anyway, so yes. i know that makes me sound terrible for not wanting to spend that night with my mom, but technically i was dedicated to helping with the graduation, so she completely understood. so, i headed over to the airport to pick her up, brought her back to the hotel, walked around a bit, then headed back to the hotel. i had told dan that i'd be available by 8. he didn't text me until 10. and i had graduation next morning... haha. definitely wasn't planning on staying out late, but oh was it worth it. so he had gone out and bought all these materials to make a huge screen to display all the demo reels on. so, we got started on that, and i swear the whole night was just amazing. probably one of our best. we just did a lot of teasing and having fun, so i had a really great time. we didn't finish until about 2:30, lol, but afterwards he took me out for some pizza and then drove me home, which was really sweet.
THEN THE NEXT DAY... GRADUATION... oh man, where do i even begin? first of all, i was like a zombie that morning because of the night before, and had to get up at 7 to get all ready. it was brutal, but i survived. so, the actual ceremony went pretty well overall, we opened with a quick little improv show for the audience, then headed into the actual distributing of certificates and giving speeches, then we ended with the whole lineup of our demo reels. they were fucking fantastic! i was really impressed with how they all turned out, especially mine. there were a few minor accidental details that bugged me, but overall i was very happy with it (i've uploaded it to youtube, so you can check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kW_Mc3iS0fA ). so after all that, everyone just sort of sauntered out or stuck around. i stuck around just to help clean up and all that, while at the same time all the other students were trying to figure out a place to go for drinks and food after or something. when they decided on a place, they started heading out to it. i just told them i would catch up to them later, and stuck around to help dan and the rest of the staff clean up first. when i had a moment with him, i asked if he was planning on going out for drinks with everyone else also, and he said yes, so i decided i would just go along with him once we were done. when we did finish, we left and walked to his car first just to drop off a bunch of our stuff so we wouldn't have to carry it. he let me put my stuff in there too, which kinda surprised me, since it would mean that i'd have to go back with him after to get it. i have to wonder if he did that on purpose! so then we headed over to the restaurant to meet up with the rest of my classmates and staff. when we arrived, all the space at the tables were pretty much taken up, so i just randomly picked a little 2-seater booth right next to one of the tables to sit at. dan was still going around giving congrats to everyone, but after a few minutes he actually came over and sat right across from me! i was so surprised, i thought for sure he would just squeeze into one of the big tables with everyone else, but nope! unfortunately, though... even though our little booth was a 2-seater, it technically had enough room to squeeze in 2 people per bench, so we weren't given much alone time for very long. and guess who, of all people, decided to come over and squeeze herself in right next to him? yep, that 27-year-old chick. my mood pretty much went downhill from there on, especially after she seemed so intent on STAYING sitting there too. ugh. it wasn't as bad as it could have been though, because at least other people kept coming over and hanging out too, so it's not like it was just me and them. the rest of the night remained pretty much just like that though, at least until we left. after all the goodbyes and whatnot, dan and i turn to leave, and guess who decides to walk in the same direction as us? yup. luckily, she only tagged along until the bus stop a few blocks away, but it was still frustrating at the time. i had to look away when they said goodbye to eachother... they hugged, and i could totally tell that she was drooling all over him. he's so chummy with her too, that's why i get so jealous. BUT, after that last torturous moment, it was pretty much smooth sailing. well, to an extent. we got back into his car and he had to stop by the school real quick to pick something up. in that time, i just waited in the car, desperately trying to come up with what i was going to do - whether i would tell him how i feel, how i would tell him, when i would tell him, etc. it was pretty much moment of truth at that point, the clock was ticking, and i just didn't know if i would have the courage to say anything at all. when he got back into the car, i sort of had my head down and was just brooding. he picked up that something was wrong and asked me about it. i paused for a moment and then very quietly mumbled 'i just don't want to say goodbye.' there was another moment's silence, and then he asked 'to your classmates? ... or me?' my whole body froze and i couldn't spit out an answer so i just remained silent. it was an extremely awkward next few minutes as we were driving, but after those few minutes, he reached over to rub my back and said 'it's gonna be ok.' the tension was eased just a little after that point, but i was still freaking out inside over what that meant, whether it meant 'we' would be ok, or if he was implying i would get over it. so, a few minutes after that, he pulls up in front of my apartment building, and my stuff is still in the trunk, which i had actually completely forgotten about, so he presses the button to open it up and then he actually gets out of the car. i was still in my head at that point and didn't even realize what he was doing until i remembered that my stuff was in the back. so i got out, but then i wondered why he was getting out with me, since it wasn't like i needed help or he was getting anything. so then i get to the back of the car and he pulls me in for a great big hug. i nearly melted. it was so nice... and lasted very long. very very very long. so long to the point where i actually felt like i needed to say something, so i just whispered into his shoulder 'i don't want this to be goodbye...' to which he replied 'this doesn't have to be goodbye.' i swear, a light pretty much ignited in my eyes at those words, and we continued whispering a few things back and forth after that. and we continued hugging for even longer. then there was another long moment of silence, and i said 'sorry, i must be making you feel really awkward,' but then he said 'no, i actually like it, it's nice.' i wanted to cry happy tears at that point, but just continued holding on for dear life. then he was really sweet and said i smelled nice, which is always a compliment i love hearing from guys. then the most fucking sweetest thing happened... HE KISSED ME ON MY CHEEK! i know that's petty compared to a kiss on the lips, but oh man... it's still a pretty big fucking deal to me! i think a kiss on the cheek can say a lot, and in this case i think it's more for good. then when we finally pulled apart, he grabbed my hand and held it!! it was so romantic and everything... ahhhhhhhhhh. then he said that he'll see me again this week, which i'm super stoked for! i don't know what we're gonna do yet, but i'm heading into the school tomorrow to audition for showcase, so i'll see him then. that night was absolutely magical, so i'm only hoping the magic will stay alive. it's gonna be harder now that i don't have school to see him every day, but in a way it'll also be easier too since i'm no longer a student and we can really treat eachother as equals. anyway, fingers crossed it all goes well!!! i'm extremely optimistic at this point!