(no subject)
Quote:---
"I've realized I'm just intimidated by everyone around me. (...)
Without hesitation, stuttering, poor vocabulary, all which have seem to have plagued my verbal expression during the last year, I expressed my views clearly and eloquently. I wasn't afraid of anything. What is restraining me when it comes to all those around me? I know I have a sharp intellect; I know my thoughts can be insightful and meaningful. Why can't they come across as such in my general manner of relation? It's really quite disheartening and disillusioning. This really consumes me - my ability - or inability to express myself clearly. I think about it at all points during the day - sometimes to an extent where I'll be in the middle of a conversation and forget completely what we're talking about because I'm too frightened that I'm perceived as dull or useless. I'm really quite terrified of the world, no matter how little I sometimes display that. I'm lonely, despite being surrounded my a lot of love. I'm trying to change so many aspects of my life (...) I'm living for something I can't even define (thank you, Ani DiFranco). I don't wanna play for you anymore - show me what you can do; tell me what you're here for. I want my old friends, I want my old mind - fuck this time and place.
I think I'm too small for my ideas; for my aspirations.
Don't even get me started on our nation - I'll never go to sleep and this entry will never end.
Do you know how depressing it is to wake up morning after morning for over a year and think: today is yet another day of not being able to live for anything; accomplish anything -- especially after years of feeling like the most purposeful, driven person alive (not to sound too self-righteous...)? This is not intermediate collegiate existential crisis bullshit. This is me feeling like there is so much I can do and not doing any of it - not knowing where to begin.
A plea for help.
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Craig David // Come Together " ---END QUOTE
This was Amit's post a little while back, and while many of the points about himself are different for me (I would never listen to Craig David, for example, hehe)... i related so much (hope you don't mind my quoting you Amit). Another point that is different is that i'm not depressed, well not right now anyway, i am more pensive i guess, or confused... yeah yeah sometimes i feel we all get a little ahead of ourselves ("collegiate existential crisis bullshit"- well put), but i know that everyone out there does think about this stuff, most people just don't spend too long dwelling on it.
but i do see a change in me- i went from being the most outspoken, top of the class (participation-related, i specify), confident, eloquent... person; now, too often, i wonder where that went...
anyway, that's two (well 3 of you count my response to Amit's other "interesting" post) posts in one night- i am definitely OD-ing on LiveJournal for today, haha
...next time
"I've realized I'm just intimidated by everyone around me. (...)
Without hesitation, stuttering, poor vocabulary, all which have seem to have plagued my verbal expression during the last year, I expressed my views clearly and eloquently. I wasn't afraid of anything. What is restraining me when it comes to all those around me? I know I have a sharp intellect; I know my thoughts can be insightful and meaningful. Why can't they come across as such in my general manner of relation? It's really quite disheartening and disillusioning. This really consumes me - my ability - or inability to express myself clearly. I think about it at all points during the day - sometimes to an extent where I'll be in the middle of a conversation and forget completely what we're talking about because I'm too frightened that I'm perceived as dull or useless. I'm really quite terrified of the world, no matter how little I sometimes display that. I'm lonely, despite being surrounded my a lot of love. I'm trying to change so many aspects of my life (...) I'm living for something I can't even define (thank you, Ani DiFranco). I don't wanna play for you anymore - show me what you can do; tell me what you're here for. I want my old friends, I want my old mind - fuck this time and place.
I think I'm too small for my ideas; for my aspirations.
Don't even get me started on our nation - I'll never go to sleep and this entry will never end.
Do you know how depressing it is to wake up morning after morning for over a year and think: today is yet another day of not being able to live for anything; accomplish anything -- especially after years of feeling like the most purposeful, driven person alive (not to sound too self-righteous...)? This is not intermediate collegiate existential crisis bullshit. This is me feeling like there is so much I can do and not doing any of it - not knowing where to begin.
A plea for help.
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Craig David // Come Together " ---END QUOTE
This was Amit's post a little while back, and while many of the points about himself are different for me (I would never listen to Craig David, for example, hehe)... i related so much (hope you don't mind my quoting you Amit). Another point that is different is that i'm not depressed, well not right now anyway, i am more pensive i guess, or confused... yeah yeah sometimes i feel we all get a little ahead of ourselves ("collegiate existential crisis bullshit"- well put), but i know that everyone out there does think about this stuff, most people just don't spend too long dwelling on it.
but i do see a change in me- i went from being the most outspoken, top of the class (participation-related, i specify), confident, eloquent... person; now, too often, i wonder where that went...
anyway, that's two (well 3 of you count my response to Amit's other "interesting" post) posts in one night- i am definitely OD-ing on LiveJournal for today, haha
...next time