Another disorderly mess of words describing my depression
Lately, I have been unable to shake this horrible combination of depression and anxiety. My mind has been riddled with a plethora of contradicting thoughts and strong feelings. I'm not sure if the person I am now is really me. Am I really me, or have I altered my personality in a way that I believe will make people accept me? This feeling of uncertainty about myself and everything I stand for is driving me over the edge.
I was a completely different person six months ago, before I met Colleen. In the beginning of our friendship, our time together was wonderful. I enjoyed spending time with her, talking with her, and doing anything we felt like doing. Even if we spent a day together that involved just lounging around the apartment, we both enjoyed ourselves. Of course, we both felt a strong sexual attraction to each other, but the sense of happiness felt genuine. Then, things became sour and we were almost constantly in disagreement about something or just fighting in general. I remember something she said to me during one of our arguments, "You NEVER change your voice. I have NO way to tell when you are being serious or not." For the first time in seven years, I became self-conscious about the sound of my voice and how it would influence the perception of who I am by others. To this day, I still feel like I cannot speak naturally because in the back of my mind, I'm still conscientious about the sound of my voice.
Another thing that has been stirring a lot of strong emotions within me is my friends. One of my friends is consistently boring, lacking initiative, and trying too hard to be something he is not. Although this is his problem, I seem to make it mine as well. He complains about how it's so difficult to meet people, yet makes no attempt to do so himself. When he is bored, he will call me and ask me if I want to do something with him. When I ask him what he would like to do, his response is always the same, "I don't know." Personally, I don't mind meeting with friends and doing nothing at all. Sometimes, the best time you can spend with a friend is a time spent doing nothing. However, that is not the case with him. He calls me hoping that I will make the plans for him, because he lacks the initiative himself. It's as if he is so afraid to propose a plan and have it rejected, that he alleviates the possibly of failure by making me responsible for planning the activities. I know that I should not be concerned with this because it is his problem. Still, it bothers me because I dread the thought of being comparable to him in any way. I just hope that this is a phase for him, and he will return to normal soon. I utterly despise and abhor people who try too hard to be something they are not.
On a different topic, I have been reading a lot of my older journal entries lately. The style, mood, and word usage in my older entries was completely different from how I write them now. My grasp on the English language was poor and I frequently made up random words. The mood of my older entries was very hyper and almost childish at times. Even though they were written poorly compared to how I write now, I still wish I could still write like that. I don't care if my English is not perfect, or if I make up a word here and there. The point is, my older entries were so silly because I was truly happy. I could hardly contain myself at times when I was writing my journal, so I just freed all of my hyperactive happiness in the form of writing. Now, my entries seem boring and straightforward. It seems like something that would be easy to fix. Just start writing journal entries that are more silly and fun, right? Well, I could try doing that right now by including a bunch of emoticons in my entry and forcing my "silly-speak," but then it would be just that--forced, and empty.
I am still making an effort to become happy again. It's very challenging when I cannot even pinpoint precisely what is causing this depression and unhappiness, but I will continue searching within.
I was a completely different person six months ago, before I met Colleen. In the beginning of our friendship, our time together was wonderful. I enjoyed spending time with her, talking with her, and doing anything we felt like doing. Even if we spent a day together that involved just lounging around the apartment, we both enjoyed ourselves. Of course, we both felt a strong sexual attraction to each other, but the sense of happiness felt genuine. Then, things became sour and we were almost constantly in disagreement about something or just fighting in general. I remember something she said to me during one of our arguments, "You NEVER change your voice. I have NO way to tell when you are being serious or not." For the first time in seven years, I became self-conscious about the sound of my voice and how it would influence the perception of who I am by others. To this day, I still feel like I cannot speak naturally because in the back of my mind, I'm still conscientious about the sound of my voice.
Another thing that has been stirring a lot of strong emotions within me is my friends. One of my friends is consistently boring, lacking initiative, and trying too hard to be something he is not. Although this is his problem, I seem to make it mine as well. He complains about how it's so difficult to meet people, yet makes no attempt to do so himself. When he is bored, he will call me and ask me if I want to do something with him. When I ask him what he would like to do, his response is always the same, "I don't know." Personally, I don't mind meeting with friends and doing nothing at all. Sometimes, the best time you can spend with a friend is a time spent doing nothing. However, that is not the case with him. He calls me hoping that I will make the plans for him, because he lacks the initiative himself. It's as if he is so afraid to propose a plan and have it rejected, that he alleviates the possibly of failure by making me responsible for planning the activities. I know that I should not be concerned with this because it is his problem. Still, it bothers me because I dread the thought of being comparable to him in any way. I just hope that this is a phase for him, and he will return to normal soon. I utterly despise and abhor people who try too hard to be something they are not.
On a different topic, I have been reading a lot of my older journal entries lately. The style, mood, and word usage in my older entries was completely different from how I write them now. My grasp on the English language was poor and I frequently made up random words. The mood of my older entries was very hyper and almost childish at times. Even though they were written poorly compared to how I write now, I still wish I could still write like that. I don't care if my English is not perfect, or if I make up a word here and there. The point is, my older entries were so silly because I was truly happy. I could hardly contain myself at times when I was writing my journal, so I just freed all of my hyperactive happiness in the form of writing. Now, my entries seem boring and straightforward. It seems like something that would be easy to fix. Just start writing journal entries that are more silly and fun, right? Well, I could try doing that right now by including a bunch of emoticons in my entry and forcing my "silly-speak," but then it would be just that--forced, and empty.
I am still making an effort to become happy again. It's very challenging when I cannot even pinpoint precisely what is causing this depression and unhappiness, but I will continue searching within.