(no subject)
Over the past few days I have learned several things about myself, about someone else, and about human nature. It is by experience I choose to learn things, and this one has left an impression I cannot forget.
I have learned:
"There is a little part of everybody somewhere inside them that enjoys the drama. Everyone likes to have a little something to hold on to and draw out whether it hurts them or not, they get some kindof sick pleasure out of it. It's how people are. It's how everyone is. " - My Mother
For example, getting over your "first love" as I have done recently. Everyone likes to pretend that their life will be over if they don't interact with that person, even after they've been broken up. They like to play it out like a soap opera "star-crossed lovers" and do stupid things and say stupid things to hurt themselves or one another. It's like re-opening a wound everyday, never allowing the scar tissue to take over and heal. It becomes a habit. To attempt to ignore the existence of someone you know so well for so long a time is ridiculous. Because everytime you force yourself to ignore them, not look at them, you subconcsiously remember why you're doing so, thus re-opening the "wound" of heartbreak. However, if one allows oneself to acknowledge the presence of whoever they're trying to get over and accept that it's over, then it's like breaking that habit of picking that scar everyday. Soon enough you learn to deal with it, and forget, thus allowing the "scar" to cover the "wound". I speak in analogies, it makes things much easier to explain and comprehend. To put this more simply...in the analogy form.
The wound is the heartbreak. The scab is your progress in getting over it. The scar is finally being able to let go, but not forget, since a scar is always there to remind you of this wound.
By attempting to ignore or hate whoever broke your heart, you peel off the scab and let it bleed (hurt). By accepting the fact that it's over and willingly moving on, you are allowing the scar to form, thus healing your wound (broken heart). And no matter what, that scar will be there, but like scars of any kind, they fade with time, the deeper the cut, the longer it takes for the scar to gradually dissapear. And as Cheryl Crow is coincidentally singing at the moment, "the first cut is the deepest", the first time your heart is broken is ultimately the scar that will never truly go away.
After many Band-Aids used (not literally), poems written, tears shed, I have learned that all from on experience.
Another thing I have learned:
We had a debate in English the other morning, about whether or not it is a necessity to have law and order and government for people to get along. I sat and I listened for a good 25 minutes to everyone yelling and protesting and proving points and being clapped for or booed at and collectively put together this small paragraph.
"I think people need to agree to disagree. It's like a high school. (There I go again, talking in analogies.) Not everyone is going to like you all at the same time, whether you know it, or whether you like it, or not. Not everyone will agree with your views for one reason or no reason all at the same time. It doesn't happen. However, if everyone could learn to accept that someone doesn't like them, or accept that they don't like someone else, and leave it at that, high school would be without drama, as would the world."
Liz is the only one that clapped for me, because Liz is the only one who can follow my analogies most of the time.
However, once reading that several times and understanding, I am sure you will agree that I won that debate. Period.
Another thing I have learned, which I already knew, and you probably do too, but never really thought about:
It is very easy to manipulate someone's words unconciously to be in your support. One could say something like "I'm over you, I'm dealing, you need to do the same." And the other person may comprehend that as, "I'm not over you but I'm trying to be, I'd like to be friends so maybe something could happen in the future," simply because this is what subconciously they wish. Often, both wish the same. When both of you know perfectly well, that nothing will happen in the future unless it is pure luck and fate working together. And most of the time, they don't. Please, save yourself the heartache.
When this happens, its best to leave it alone. You said your piece. It is superfluous (for those with less-developed vocabularies, unnecessary) to attempt to re-explain what you meant. It will only lead to you hurting the other person's feelings.
Something I learned about myself:
I have a tendency to want to be so very independent I push away those who care most for me. I apologize for this. I have a fear of attachment even when it is unnecessary because I have broken a few hearts and now had mine shattered. We all make mistakes. We are all allowed and excused for such mistakes on the basis that we are human, have human emotions, and human needs. I am learning everyday, however gradually, to accept this, and learning how to make the best of it. Of our common human nature. Today in the assembly which I had the pleasure of seeing only once, 8th period, awed me. Their stories were so real they seemed unreal, like a movie. It's crazy how people, when they have the will to, can curb their behavior and ultimately change their lives and their outlooks on life.
I believe it all ties together; one can accomplish nothing without sacrifice. Whether you must press on a wound, which hurts, to make it heal; whether you much change yourself, give up a little insecurity, for the well-being of another, or whether it be giving up acceptance, popularity, to move forward in life; none of these can be accomplished without the sacrifice, the personal loss, in order to achieve the goal.
And I leave you with this.
"One must apply pressure to a wound in order to make it stop bleeding and let it heal, scar and fade with time. However, without the conscious effort to apply such pressure the wound will bleed until there is no more left, which is the fault of none other except the one watching it bleed."
And,
"There is no gain without loss."
Hopefully this entry will make some kind of impression on you if you're reading it right now. I know it did for me.
Much love* always and forever,
}i{ alex }i{
P.S. If you can relate to my predicament, or any described...Don't sit there saying "If I could rewind..." because you can't, I've tried that. You're picking the scab. A little while from now, when you can step back and look at all that's happened when it's not in front of you, you'll say instead "If I could go back...I wouldn't change a thing." The lessons learned now are those never forgotten.
"No regrets, at one time it's what you truly wanted."