Fic: One Day We Will Sleep for Days
One Day We Will Sleep for Days
Brendon/Spencer, implied GSF | 2150 words | PG
"Hey," Brendon whispered, his eyes a little too bright. His breath came in thin white puffs of steam. "We should go in before we freeze. Okay?"
Spencer swallowed tightly, then finally nodded. "Yeah, okay." But he didn't move as he took one last look at the sky.
Sequel-ish coda-type thingy to I Dream a Nation of You set just after Jon and Ryan leave to rescue the dragons. You should probably have a vague idea of the storyline before reading this. :) Originally written for sunsetmog, and then it somehow turned into my coping mechanism for the split. *hands*
Thanks to slowlikewine, amy13, and shinshan for betaing!
They stood out in the cold until the dragons faded into the darkness, their shadows disappearing into the glare of moonlight and stars. Spencer blinked as the snow clung to his lashes, refusing to give in to the tightness in his chest, the hard press of fear and doubt and sadness. Giving in wouldn't bring back Ryan and Jon.
He felt a hand circle gently around his wrist. "Hey," Brendon whispered, his eyes a little too bright. His breath came in thin white puffs of steam. "We should go in before we freeze. Okay?"
Spencer swallowed tightly, then finally nodded. "Yeah, okay." But he didn't move as he took one last look at the sky.
"They'll come back." Brendon squeezed Spencer's hand. "I know they will."
We don't know anything, Spencer thought with a sigh. He could still hear Ryan's voice whispering fiercely in his ear, "I have to do this, Spence, please trust me. If you love me, you'll trust me." He'd never heard Ryan sound so terrified, yet absolutely determined, as if his heart couldn't compromise with his mind. Spencer wanted to hate Jon all over again for telling Ryan who he really was, but he couldn't, not when he could taste Jon and feel the way he'd shivered under Spencer's hands.
Brendon made a small huffing sound. "Spence, c'mon." He tugged Spencer slowly back into the mansion, and it wasn't until the door shut behind him and the warmth from the fire hit his damp cheeks that Spencer realized he'd been crying.
"Upstairs," Brendon whispered, cupping Spencer's jaw. "Let's get some sleep."
"Can't sleep," Spencer mumbled as he swiped the back of his hand over his eyes, even though he could feel the exhaustion sinking deep into his bones. The familiar dull throb of pain was beginning to set in through his wounded arm, letting him know the pain meds were wearing off.
"Sure you can, I've got the good pills you like," Brendon replied with a weak laugh as he nudged Spencer up the stairs to the room they'd been sharing. It had always just been Spencer and Ryan's room until Brendon and Jon came, and now...even after only a couple of days, Spencer thought of it as their room, even though, as a Rider, Jon had his own.
The blankets were still rumpled from where Spencer had slept curled around Ryan until he'd gotten up to prepare for the journey. They hadn't looked at one another as Ryan had dressed, and when Ryan had tried to say a goodbye, Spencer shook his head and whispered, "No."
He was more than eternally grateful that Brendon had come by later and convinced him to see them off.
Carefully, Spencer shrugged his coat off, kicking the rest of the snow from his boots before toeing them off by the bed. He shed his shirt as Brendon disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a glass of water and a handful of pills.
"Are you hurting?" Brendon asked as Spencer sat down on the edge of the mattress. The quiet, careful tone in his voice whenever he asked Spencer about his arm always made Spencer smile for some reason; he could imagine Brendon using that same tone with sick dogs and horses, trying to calm them as best he could. Spencer had no doubt that Brendon was a talented vet.
"Nothing more than the usual," Spencer said before he swallowed the meds. He drank half the water and handed the glass back to Brendon, who set it on the nightstand. They didn't say anything more as Spencer slipped under the blankets, turning onto his good side and realizing with a sudden stab of regret that there would be no Ryan spooned against his back tonight.
He winced and tucked his face into his pillow, which made him remember the night before, when he'd kissed Jon carefully out of a nightmare that was so terrifying it had brought Jon to tears. With Ryan, Spencer knew his fears and his weaknesses, what frightened him and what made him angry or sad. But with Jon, everything was still new and unknown; Spencer only had a handful of pieces that made up the whole picture of who Jon was.
Spencer felt the bed dip as Brendon crawled in on the other side. "Tell me how you met Jon," he whispered, slowly opening his eyes.
Brendon paused, the blankets pooling around his waist as he sat up. He bit his lip for a moment, then replied softly, "He...he needed a doctor. Helia was sick, and he didn't know what else to do, so he found me."
"But you didn't know anything about dragons."
"No, I didn't. But I was his only option; anyone else in Audrey would have turned them in to the Government." Brendon took a deep breath, his shoulders expanding and contracting. "I'd never met a Rider before in my life, and all I remember about that night was that Jon was so, so scared, and I couldn't believe that this man, this Rider, was afraid of me, of what I could do to him."
In his mind, Spencer could picture the haunted look in Jon's eyes, the tight, nervous set to his mouth. To have the only thing in your life that kept you going suddenly become jeopardized...Spencer's chest ached at the thought of Jon's fear of being alone. At least Ryan had always had Spencer, even if he'd never really known his true fate.
"So you helped him," Spencer whispered into the pillow, wanting to reach out and lay his hand on Brendon's arm, pull him closer.
Brendon shrugged. Then, as if reading Spencer's thoughts, he slid down underneath the blankets until he was facing Spencer, his hand splayed out on the bed between them. Spencer could feel Brendon's knee press against his. "If you call feeding Helia a tablespoon of cough syrup mixed with chocolate sauce, then yes, I helped." He laughed sheepishly, his eyes wistful and full of longing. "I have no idea how it worked, but I'm glad it did. I'm...I don't know what I would've done without...without having him..."
"Yeah."
"I just." Brendon swallowed and shut his eyes. "He means the world to me, but he doesn't believe anyone could ever love him like that, y'know? He doesn't see it, he can't--"
"Hey." Spencer finally cupped his hand around Brendon's neck and drew him close enough to press their foreheads together. "It'll take time, Bren. Jon's lucky to have you, and he knows it, I'm sure." It was strange how his stomach clenched in a small flare of jealousy; he wasn't used to feeling possessive of anyone but Ryan.
Brendon was quiet for several moments, then he slowly curled tighter against Spencer, still careful of his sling. "I saw him kiss you," he breathed.
It was a reflex for Spencer to automatically deny it. He hadn't known what to say when Ryan had brought up the previous kiss, watching Spencer carefully when he'd flushed and stammered that he'd only been trying wake Jon from a nightmare, it wasn't an actual kiss--
But Ryan had simply given him a strange, wistful smile and said, "Yeah, it was. You just needed the excuse."
Now Spencer knew that Ryan had heard his thoughts, that it was impossible for him to lie--it probably always had been. But Brendon couldn't read minds; Spencer could just as easily tell him the kiss was only fleeting, a way of giving Jon comfort before he flew off to risk his life.
Instead, Spencer licked his lips slowly and replied, "But he did it right before he asked me to look after you."
Brendon laughed. The sound was a little broken. "I told him I didn't need a keeper."
"No, you don't. But you also don't need to be alone in all this. Believe me." He nuzzled the tip of his nose against the prickly-soft stubble along Brendon's cheek. I can't be alone, Spencer thought, even though he knew he should feel guilty for thinking such a thing; he still had his sisters, after all, which was more than Brendon had. Brendon's family was back in Audrey, and there was a good possibility Brendon would never see them again.
"I know. I'm just used to watching out for him, and now..." Brendon huffed, the warm air coasting over Spencer's chin. "You let Ryan go, so I should figure out how to deal with it, right?"
"You make it sound like I had a choice." Spencer sighed. "Do you even know how we ended up on that recon mission?"
Brendon shook his head slightly against the pillow.
"Ryan wanted to do something that mattered, that made a difference. I wouldn't let him go alone, because I knew he'd fucking kill himself if someone wasn't there to--" He broke off, remembering the constant guilt in Ryan's eyes after Spencer was shot. He hoped Jon was keeping him safe, that his empathy would help him keep Ryan from doubting himself too much.
Brendon slid his hand beneath the blankets and carefully twined their fingers together, brushing his thumb over the palm of Spencer's good hand. "Jon will protect him," he whispered.
Spencer shook his head, tightening his hand around Brendon's. "He's so fucking scared, you know?" he whispered back. "He'd never admit it, but I know him, he can't--he doesn't know who he is anymore, and now he's supposed to...to..." He shook his head against the pillow, his throat feeling tight again.
"He's who he's always been, Spence."
"Not like this, not with all the sudden pressure and danger that only--"
"That only Riders know?" Brendon reached his free hand out from under the blankets and skimmed two fingers over Spencer's cheek, his skin flushed from anger and frustration. "I know what it feels like, to want so badly to share in something you know you'll never completely understand. I wanted to hate Ryan with everything I had when I found out he...that he'd get to know what it was like to be Jon. But I couldn't hate Ryan, no more than you could hate Jon. It's just...the way the universe works." He paused, and in the close silence Spencer could hear Brendon swallow hard. "Sometimes things aren't always fair."
And there was something in Brendon's voice, maybe, that made the tension in Spencer's chest ease, or maybe it was the gentle, soothing way his fingertips brushed gently over Spencer's hair, telling him through simple touch that everything would be okay, even if he himself didn't truly believe it. But it was enough that he wanted Spencer to believe, and that made Spencer want to cling to Brendon so very tightly.
In that moment, Spencer knew that no matter what happened, at least he'd still have Brendon at his side.
His eyes stung a little as he whispered tightly, "Yeah," and tilted his head just enough to press his mouth to Brendon's. Spencer heard a soft, sharp inhalation, and then he felt the same fingertips push gently into the hair at the nape of his neck, cradling the base of his skull.
"Spence," Brendon breathed in between small, careful kisses, like a question and promise. He didn't say anymore than that, and Spencer simply let his eyes drift shut as his good hand held on to the front of Brendon's shirt. They kissed slowly, lips barely parted, but it felt achingly familiar, like they'd done this a million times before. It was different than kissing Jon; Spencer didn't feel like he was falling, plunging into something unknown. This felt like coming home.
Eventually Brendon pulled back and tucked his face into the curve of Spencer's neck. "You need to sleep," he said quietly, the words a soft buzz against Spencer's skin.
He could already feel the pain in his shoulder starting to fade, his arms heavy with the onset of the painkillers. Spencer sighed as he pressed his nose against Brendon's temple, breathing in the warm scent of his hair. If he let himself concentrate on the feel of Brendon wrapped around him, he could almost forget that the rest of the bed would be empty tonight, and for the next several nights, if not permanently.
Spencer sighed, splaying his hand out over Brendon's heart. "You, too."
"Yeah, I will." Brendon didn't move, and Spencer felt his chest expand and contract slowly under his palm as Brendon took a deep breath. Bit by bit, the constant, steady thump of Brendon's pulse lulled Spencer to sleep.
Just as he was fading out into unconsciousness, Spencer heard Brendon whisper, "They'll come back to us. I know they will."
Spencer hummed something that was lost in the haze of oncoming sleep, curling closer into Brendon's side.
~*~
Brendon/Spencer, implied GSF | 2150 words | PG
"Hey," Brendon whispered, his eyes a little too bright. His breath came in thin white puffs of steam. "We should go in before we freeze. Okay?"
Spencer swallowed tightly, then finally nodded. "Yeah, okay." But he didn't move as he took one last look at the sky.
Sequel-ish coda-type thingy to I Dream a Nation of You set just after Jon and Ryan leave to rescue the dragons. You should probably have a vague idea of the storyline before reading this. :) Originally written for sunsetmog, and then it somehow turned into my coping mechanism for the split. *hands*
Thanks to slowlikewine, amy13, and shinshan for betaing!
They stood out in the cold until the dragons faded into the darkness, their shadows disappearing into the glare of moonlight and stars. Spencer blinked as the snow clung to his lashes, refusing to give in to the tightness in his chest, the hard press of fear and doubt and sadness. Giving in wouldn't bring back Ryan and Jon.
He felt a hand circle gently around his wrist. "Hey," Brendon whispered, his eyes a little too bright. His breath came in thin white puffs of steam. "We should go in before we freeze. Okay?"
Spencer swallowed tightly, then finally nodded. "Yeah, okay." But he didn't move as he took one last look at the sky.
"They'll come back." Brendon squeezed Spencer's hand. "I know they will."
We don't know anything, Spencer thought with a sigh. He could still hear Ryan's voice whispering fiercely in his ear, "I have to do this, Spence, please trust me. If you love me, you'll trust me." He'd never heard Ryan sound so terrified, yet absolutely determined, as if his heart couldn't compromise with his mind. Spencer wanted to hate Jon all over again for telling Ryan who he really was, but he couldn't, not when he could taste Jon and feel the way he'd shivered under Spencer's hands.
Brendon made a small huffing sound. "Spence, c'mon." He tugged Spencer slowly back into the mansion, and it wasn't until the door shut behind him and the warmth from the fire hit his damp cheeks that Spencer realized he'd been crying.
"Upstairs," Brendon whispered, cupping Spencer's jaw. "Let's get some sleep."
"Can't sleep," Spencer mumbled as he swiped the back of his hand over his eyes, even though he could feel the exhaustion sinking deep into his bones. The familiar dull throb of pain was beginning to set in through his wounded arm, letting him know the pain meds were wearing off.
"Sure you can, I've got the good pills you like," Brendon replied with a weak laugh as he nudged Spencer up the stairs to the room they'd been sharing. It had always just been Spencer and Ryan's room until Brendon and Jon came, and now...even after only a couple of days, Spencer thought of it as their room, even though, as a Rider, Jon had his own.
The blankets were still rumpled from where Spencer had slept curled around Ryan until he'd gotten up to prepare for the journey. They hadn't looked at one another as Ryan had dressed, and when Ryan had tried to say a goodbye, Spencer shook his head and whispered, "No."
He was more than eternally grateful that Brendon had come by later and convinced him to see them off.
Carefully, Spencer shrugged his coat off, kicking the rest of the snow from his boots before toeing them off by the bed. He shed his shirt as Brendon disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a glass of water and a handful of pills.
"Are you hurting?" Brendon asked as Spencer sat down on the edge of the mattress. The quiet, careful tone in his voice whenever he asked Spencer about his arm always made Spencer smile for some reason; he could imagine Brendon using that same tone with sick dogs and horses, trying to calm them as best he could. Spencer had no doubt that Brendon was a talented vet.
"Nothing more than the usual," Spencer said before he swallowed the meds. He drank half the water and handed the glass back to Brendon, who set it on the nightstand. They didn't say anything more as Spencer slipped under the blankets, turning onto his good side and realizing with a sudden stab of regret that there would be no Ryan spooned against his back tonight.
He winced and tucked his face into his pillow, which made him remember the night before, when he'd kissed Jon carefully out of a nightmare that was so terrifying it had brought Jon to tears. With Ryan, Spencer knew his fears and his weaknesses, what frightened him and what made him angry or sad. But with Jon, everything was still new and unknown; Spencer only had a handful of pieces that made up the whole picture of who Jon was.
Spencer felt the bed dip as Brendon crawled in on the other side. "Tell me how you met Jon," he whispered, slowly opening his eyes.
Brendon paused, the blankets pooling around his waist as he sat up. He bit his lip for a moment, then replied softly, "He...he needed a doctor. Helia was sick, and he didn't know what else to do, so he found me."
"But you didn't know anything about dragons."
"No, I didn't. But I was his only option; anyone else in Audrey would have turned them in to the Government." Brendon took a deep breath, his shoulders expanding and contracting. "I'd never met a Rider before in my life, and all I remember about that night was that Jon was so, so scared, and I couldn't believe that this man, this Rider, was afraid of me, of what I could do to him."
In his mind, Spencer could picture the haunted look in Jon's eyes, the tight, nervous set to his mouth. To have the only thing in your life that kept you going suddenly become jeopardized...Spencer's chest ached at the thought of Jon's fear of being alone. At least Ryan had always had Spencer, even if he'd never really known his true fate.
"So you helped him," Spencer whispered into the pillow, wanting to reach out and lay his hand on Brendon's arm, pull him closer.
Brendon shrugged. Then, as if reading Spencer's thoughts, he slid down underneath the blankets until he was facing Spencer, his hand splayed out on the bed between them. Spencer could feel Brendon's knee press against his. "If you call feeding Helia a tablespoon of cough syrup mixed with chocolate sauce, then yes, I helped." He laughed sheepishly, his eyes wistful and full of longing. "I have no idea how it worked, but I'm glad it did. I'm...I don't know what I would've done without...without having him..."
"Yeah."
"I just." Brendon swallowed and shut his eyes. "He means the world to me, but he doesn't believe anyone could ever love him like that, y'know? He doesn't see it, he can't--"
"Hey." Spencer finally cupped his hand around Brendon's neck and drew him close enough to press their foreheads together. "It'll take time, Bren. Jon's lucky to have you, and he knows it, I'm sure." It was strange how his stomach clenched in a small flare of jealousy; he wasn't used to feeling possessive of anyone but Ryan.
Brendon was quiet for several moments, then he slowly curled tighter against Spencer, still careful of his sling. "I saw him kiss you," he breathed.
It was a reflex for Spencer to automatically deny it. He hadn't known what to say when Ryan had brought up the previous kiss, watching Spencer carefully when he'd flushed and stammered that he'd only been trying wake Jon from a nightmare, it wasn't an actual kiss--
But Ryan had simply given him a strange, wistful smile and said, "Yeah, it was. You just needed the excuse."
Now Spencer knew that Ryan had heard his thoughts, that it was impossible for him to lie--it probably always had been. But Brendon couldn't read minds; Spencer could just as easily tell him the kiss was only fleeting, a way of giving Jon comfort before he flew off to risk his life.
Instead, Spencer licked his lips slowly and replied, "But he did it right before he asked me to look after you."
Brendon laughed. The sound was a little broken. "I told him I didn't need a keeper."
"No, you don't. But you also don't need to be alone in all this. Believe me." He nuzzled the tip of his nose against the prickly-soft stubble along Brendon's cheek. I can't be alone, Spencer thought, even though he knew he should feel guilty for thinking such a thing; he still had his sisters, after all, which was more than Brendon had. Brendon's family was back in Audrey, and there was a good possibility Brendon would never see them again.
"I know. I'm just used to watching out for him, and now..." Brendon huffed, the warm air coasting over Spencer's chin. "You let Ryan go, so I should figure out how to deal with it, right?"
"You make it sound like I had a choice." Spencer sighed. "Do you even know how we ended up on that recon mission?"
Brendon shook his head slightly against the pillow.
"Ryan wanted to do something that mattered, that made a difference. I wouldn't let him go alone, because I knew he'd fucking kill himself if someone wasn't there to--" He broke off, remembering the constant guilt in Ryan's eyes after Spencer was shot. He hoped Jon was keeping him safe, that his empathy would help him keep Ryan from doubting himself too much.
Brendon slid his hand beneath the blankets and carefully twined their fingers together, brushing his thumb over the palm of Spencer's good hand. "Jon will protect him," he whispered.
Spencer shook his head, tightening his hand around Brendon's. "He's so fucking scared, you know?" he whispered back. "He'd never admit it, but I know him, he can't--he doesn't know who he is anymore, and now he's supposed to...to..." He shook his head against the pillow, his throat feeling tight again.
"He's who he's always been, Spence."
"Not like this, not with all the sudden pressure and danger that only--"
"That only Riders know?" Brendon reached his free hand out from under the blankets and skimmed two fingers over Spencer's cheek, his skin flushed from anger and frustration. "I know what it feels like, to want so badly to share in something you know you'll never completely understand. I wanted to hate Ryan with everything I had when I found out he...that he'd get to know what it was like to be Jon. But I couldn't hate Ryan, no more than you could hate Jon. It's just...the way the universe works." He paused, and in the close silence Spencer could hear Brendon swallow hard. "Sometimes things aren't always fair."
And there was something in Brendon's voice, maybe, that made the tension in Spencer's chest ease, or maybe it was the gentle, soothing way his fingertips brushed gently over Spencer's hair, telling him through simple touch that everything would be okay, even if he himself didn't truly believe it. But it was enough that he wanted Spencer to believe, and that made Spencer want to cling to Brendon so very tightly.
In that moment, Spencer knew that no matter what happened, at least he'd still have Brendon at his side.
His eyes stung a little as he whispered tightly, "Yeah," and tilted his head just enough to press his mouth to Brendon's. Spencer heard a soft, sharp inhalation, and then he felt the same fingertips push gently into the hair at the nape of his neck, cradling the base of his skull.
"Spence," Brendon breathed in between small, careful kisses, like a question and promise. He didn't say anymore than that, and Spencer simply let his eyes drift shut as his good hand held on to the front of Brendon's shirt. They kissed slowly, lips barely parted, but it felt achingly familiar, like they'd done this a million times before. It was different than kissing Jon; Spencer didn't feel like he was falling, plunging into something unknown. This felt like coming home.
Eventually Brendon pulled back and tucked his face into the curve of Spencer's neck. "You need to sleep," he said quietly, the words a soft buzz against Spencer's skin.
He could already feel the pain in his shoulder starting to fade, his arms heavy with the onset of the painkillers. Spencer sighed as he pressed his nose against Brendon's temple, breathing in the warm scent of his hair. If he let himself concentrate on the feel of Brendon wrapped around him, he could almost forget that the rest of the bed would be empty tonight, and for the next several nights, if not permanently.
Spencer sighed, splaying his hand out over Brendon's heart. "You, too."
"Yeah, I will." Brendon didn't move, and Spencer felt his chest expand and contract slowly under his palm as Brendon took a deep breath. Bit by bit, the constant, steady thump of Brendon's pulse lulled Spencer to sleep.
Just as he was fading out into unconsciousness, Spencer heard Brendon whisper, "They'll come back to us. I know they will."
Spencer hummed something that was lost in the haze of oncoming sleep, curling closer into Brendon's side.
~*~