(no subject)
I've been lost in thought lately. My sleep schedule is pretty bonked, but I can't find time to care. I had a dream that's been bugging me pretty badly. I went to some sort of conference or competition or something where tons of students were together from all over the country to do -something-. I knew Jessica would be there already, but Lacey was there unexpectedly. In the dream, I was eager to spend time with her and catch up, but things eventually turned romantic. I happened to also be there with a girl who was my girlfriend from home, but she was played by someone I've never met in my waking life. We hadn't been together for long, so my romantic involvement with my ex girlfriend didn't seem -that- out of the question, although I did hide it from her. Furthermore, I didn't want to be seen around either of them by Jessica, since I felt it would hurt her feelings to see me with someone. With all this reading I've been doing about subconscious processes, I've been analyzing my dreams more than usual. I just don't necessarily like the results. I've always been a "let's give it a shot" sort of person. If I ran into Lacey one day, and she wanted to date again...I can honestly say I'd go along with it. That's misleading, though, because I would probably do the same thing with Jessica once the wounds have healed. I'm not the sort to say "no" very often to these sorts of things. I'll always have a soft spot for all of the people I have loved...regardless of how it ended.
I mention this today because I saw Jessica on the way to class today. She saw me coming up behind her and started walking faster, but I decided to try to make small talk anyway. She's been sick and wasn't feeling so great, and she didn't waste any energy trying to hide the fact that she didn't want to talk to me. It makes me wonder. Would she have acted any differently if she were in a good mood? Probably not. We have to start somewhere, though. I'd like to be friends again eventually, but she's still pretty upset about how things turned out. She's convinced I'm burning some huge torch for Lacey after years of living happily without her. It might just be what she tells herself to feel better. I'm convinced that I shut Jessica out because she guarded herself from me so much, but maybe that's what I tell myself to make me feel better. We talked on AIM last week, and this dream followed shortly after. Maybe the faceless girlfriend is the girl I'm seeing now. She really likes me, but I'm too afraid to let her in deeper because I don't want to overwhelm her. It is different from the detachment I had with Jess, though. I want to let this girl in, but I'm afraid to for her sake. My relationship with Jessica was a huge demonstration is selective misinformation on both sides. Part of honesty is answering the questions that nobody asked, so I'm going to be more forthright this round.
I mention this today because I saw Jessica on the way to class today. She saw me coming up behind her and started walking faster, but I decided to try to make small talk anyway. She's been sick and wasn't feeling so great, and she didn't waste any energy trying to hide the fact that she didn't want to talk to me. It makes me wonder. Would she have acted any differently if she were in a good mood? Probably not. We have to start somewhere, though. I'd like to be friends again eventually, but she's still pretty upset about how things turned out. She's convinced I'm burning some huge torch for Lacey after years of living happily without her. It might just be what she tells herself to feel better. I'm convinced that I shut Jessica out because she guarded herself from me so much, but maybe that's what I tell myself to make me feel better. We talked on AIM last week, and this dream followed shortly after. Maybe the faceless girlfriend is the girl I'm seeing now. She really likes me, but I'm too afraid to let her in deeper because I don't want to overwhelm her. It is different from the detachment I had with Jess, though. I want to let this girl in, but I'm afraid to for her sake. My relationship with Jessica was a huge demonstration is selective misinformation on both sides. Part of honesty is answering the questions that nobody asked, so I'm going to be more forthright this round.