(no subject)
Tonight was one of those nights I didn't sleep. I've gotten used to those nights over the years, so this feeling I have is a familiar one. Even if it is a little different every time, I can see the commonality so clearly.
Tonight, as I was trying to sleep, all of my senses came into tune and awakened a memory I have from years ago.
I was in the airport in New Jersey. I had come from the warm weather of the coast to the harsh chill of the North. Even inside the airport I shuddered knowing how chilly it was outside. It was late at night, and the sun was nowhere to be seen. I walked outside to wait on my ride. I knew the car very well, so as it pulled up my optimistic anticipation caused me to tremor just as much as the cold. I threw my bag in the back seat and got into the passenger seat. We kissed before I could even shut the door. I remember how excited I always was to visit. I remember how much I valued our time. The car itself was a smell from home. It was something I had associated with some of the best times of my life, and the smell hadn't changed much at all in years. I remember how new it had smelled my last Mardi Gras parade in high school. All of my senses were heightened in those moments. I blame the adrenaline and the anticipation. People say that too much anticipation can ruin something when it finally comes, but I remember how I was never disappointed. At least I had never been disappointed when this memory occurred. I could hear everything happening around me, but none of it mattered too much. The taste in my mouth was the smell of the car and the imitation leather jacket she wore, and the sensation on my hands was the silky smooth feeling of a familiar in an unfamiliar setting as I realized she was only wearing underwear under that leather trench coat. It was the black set with the little blue bows, something I will never forget. I know the sound of the walk from the parking lot to the dorms, and I know the smell of the elevator. I knew the familiar scent of the room, and the sensations that came with that scent. The memory is so strong in my head it is overpowering. I realized when it rushed over me that none of my memories of Jess are that strong, including the betrayal.
This memory is only one in a huge selection that shrouds so much more. Knowing this bothered me, but it wasn't what I thought would bother me. Instead of being disgusted or disappointed, I have to wonder. How much of the man that experienced all of this before is still left? Is the same person that loved so deeply still here somewhere? Perhaps all of this was a part of my innocence that I lost when I had to grow up and understand the truth. I know my soul isn't broken, but I wonder if I might look too hard to be blind. If ignorance is bliss, can I damn myself with wisdom? I need to find the answers to these questions, so I suppose I should take a walk for the six hours before I have to be in class. Those walks always helped before.
Tonight, as I was trying to sleep, all of my senses came into tune and awakened a memory I have from years ago.
I was in the airport in New Jersey. I had come from the warm weather of the coast to the harsh chill of the North. Even inside the airport I shuddered knowing how chilly it was outside. It was late at night, and the sun was nowhere to be seen. I walked outside to wait on my ride. I knew the car very well, so as it pulled up my optimistic anticipation caused me to tremor just as much as the cold. I threw my bag in the back seat and got into the passenger seat. We kissed before I could even shut the door. I remember how excited I always was to visit. I remember how much I valued our time. The car itself was a smell from home. It was something I had associated with some of the best times of my life, and the smell hadn't changed much at all in years. I remember how new it had smelled my last Mardi Gras parade in high school. All of my senses were heightened in those moments. I blame the adrenaline and the anticipation. People say that too much anticipation can ruin something when it finally comes, but I remember how I was never disappointed. At least I had never been disappointed when this memory occurred. I could hear everything happening around me, but none of it mattered too much. The taste in my mouth was the smell of the car and the imitation leather jacket she wore, and the sensation on my hands was the silky smooth feeling of a familiar in an unfamiliar setting as I realized she was only wearing underwear under that leather trench coat. It was the black set with the little blue bows, something I will never forget. I know the sound of the walk from the parking lot to the dorms, and I know the smell of the elevator. I knew the familiar scent of the room, and the sensations that came with that scent. The memory is so strong in my head it is overpowering. I realized when it rushed over me that none of my memories of Jess are that strong, including the betrayal.
This memory is only one in a huge selection that shrouds so much more. Knowing this bothered me, but it wasn't what I thought would bother me. Instead of being disgusted or disappointed, I have to wonder. How much of the man that experienced all of this before is still left? Is the same person that loved so deeply still here somewhere? Perhaps all of this was a part of my innocence that I lost when I had to grow up and understand the truth. I know my soul isn't broken, but I wonder if I might look too hard to be blind. If ignorance is bliss, can I damn myself with wisdom? I need to find the answers to these questions, so I suppose I should take a walk for the six hours before I have to be in class. Those walks always helped before.