(no subject)
I suck. 12:53 AM is a frustrating time of night to be awake at when you have class in 9 hours.
Bikini Kill rulzzzzzzzzzz. I want to say something about how topical their lyrics are and how that demonstrates just how much farther everyone has to go especially in the punk scene to overcome the gender roles and sexism taught to everyone that creates patriarchy. I mean, fuck, these songs were written 15 years ago and, still, the combination of "Sugar" and "Star Bellied Boy" back to back fucking hit me in the gut with all the connections of sexism and how being a shitty partner isn't that far psychologically or socially from rape. Been re-reading R-Jen's "Getting Off" for moral fortitude. I want to say something cheesy like "things make me embarrassed to be male-bodied," but honestly I make myself embarrassed to act the way I do regardless of being a man or not.
Been dwelling on crushage right now. I know it's absurd that I believe that I don't know anyone who would want to be romantic with me or be close to me, but it's honestly a very hard mentality to shake oneself from. I guess the thing that keeps coming up in my mind is, "why do you have any right to complain when you've done what you did to a person in the same situation as you?" but I feel that I did what I did because it was sincerely making both of us very unhappy. I did it in a shitty way, but there was no use in continuing the struggle that was us.
FUCK. I feel like I have to write something deeply introspective to prove to myself that I've been working out shit (my emotional and relationship problems) since we stopped talking, but that's just me being normal, old, shitty me trying to prove something and not really honestly making the effort that I need because it will help me and others.
I wish that I had a huge readership of my livejournal.
I wish that I could ask all of them what the fuck is wrong with me.
I wish that I'd get a whole bunch of answers back with really simple, shallow things that I could change in a minute ("you're teeth aren't straight," "just be more outgoing," etc.).
I wish that I would stop obsessing over my lack of a partnership or sexual relationship or snuggling, because that shit ain't helping anybody, and I think that I am objectifying people by assuming that, because they are women, I can evaluate them based on whether they would want to be partners with me. I think that I've made SOME headway with this, because I've made a lot more platonic friends of both genders (and I mean SERIOUSLY platonic, not that bullshit, I'm too scared to initiate anything with you even though I should have years ago: sorry, Simone, I really fucked up middle school by being a momma's boy), but it's still something to fucking improve. People are people. If I'm crushing on that person, and they're crushing back, it makes sense to see if there's compatibility and if something will work. If I meet someone, I shouldn't start making wild ass assumptions just because of their gender. Fuckin' heteronormativity. Honestly though, I really think the awesome person I met at Posi Youth Fest and I were mutually crushin', and that was cool. I hope I can see that person again. (Why am I being gender neutral? It's obvious I'm talking about a she).
This was not a summary of my day. Sorry. I don't sleep enough, but it's not because I lie in bed awake, I just sit in front of a computer, listening. By the way, PG99 is rocking right now. Alright, maybe I'll look at my sociology for a little while. How do I get more people to read this? Join groups or some shit? Maybe. Alright, see you all later if I see you in real life, see you back on the internetz if not.
Bikini Kill rulzzzzzzzzzz. I want to say something about how topical their lyrics are and how that demonstrates just how much farther everyone has to go especially in the punk scene to overcome the gender roles and sexism taught to everyone that creates patriarchy. I mean, fuck, these songs were written 15 years ago and, still, the combination of "Sugar" and "Star Bellied Boy" back to back fucking hit me in the gut with all the connections of sexism and how being a shitty partner isn't that far psychologically or socially from rape. Been re-reading R-Jen's "Getting Off" for moral fortitude. I want to say something cheesy like "things make me embarrassed to be male-bodied," but honestly I make myself embarrassed to act the way I do regardless of being a man or not.
Been dwelling on crushage right now. I know it's absurd that I believe that I don't know anyone who would want to be romantic with me or be close to me, but it's honestly a very hard mentality to shake oneself from. I guess the thing that keeps coming up in my mind is, "why do you have any right to complain when you've done what you did to a person in the same situation as you?" but I feel that I did what I did because it was sincerely making both of us very unhappy. I did it in a shitty way, but there was no use in continuing the struggle that was us.
FUCK. I feel like I have to write something deeply introspective to prove to myself that I've been working out shit (my emotional and relationship problems) since we stopped talking, but that's just me being normal, old, shitty me trying to prove something and not really honestly making the effort that I need because it will help me and others.
I wish that I had a huge readership of my livejournal.
I wish that I could ask all of them what the fuck is wrong with me.
I wish that I'd get a whole bunch of answers back with really simple, shallow things that I could change in a minute ("you're teeth aren't straight," "just be more outgoing," etc.).
I wish that I would stop obsessing over my lack of a partnership or sexual relationship or snuggling, because that shit ain't helping anybody, and I think that I am objectifying people by assuming that, because they are women, I can evaluate them based on whether they would want to be partners with me. I think that I've made SOME headway with this, because I've made a lot more platonic friends of both genders (and I mean SERIOUSLY platonic, not that bullshit, I'm too scared to initiate anything with you even though I should have years ago: sorry, Simone, I really fucked up middle school by being a momma's boy), but it's still something to fucking improve. People are people. If I'm crushing on that person, and they're crushing back, it makes sense to see if there's compatibility and if something will work. If I meet someone, I shouldn't start making wild ass assumptions just because of their gender. Fuckin' heteronormativity. Honestly though, I really think the awesome person I met at Posi Youth Fest and I were mutually crushin', and that was cool. I hope I can see that person again. (Why am I being gender neutral? It's obvious I'm talking about a she).
This was not a summary of my day. Sorry. I don't sleep enough, but it's not because I lie in bed awake, I just sit in front of a computer, listening. By the way, PG99 is rocking right now. Alright, maybe I'll look at my sociology for a little while. How do I get more people to read this? Join groups or some shit? Maybe. Alright, see you all later if I see you in real life, see you back on the internetz if not.