(no subject)
Once upon a particularly difficult and emotional time, I used comics to help me rebuild myself. (Or i guess, that was more building myself in the first place. Ahh puberty.) I have found comicking to be extremely cathartic, because it helps me visualize and categorize my problems. It also helps me envision my goals in a better way than just making a list.
And folks, I am extremely screwed up right now in the emotion department.
This is not to say I'm unstable. Definitely not. But I'm recovering from some weird emotional problems that have spawned such problems as: complete lack of confidence, even in the presence of high self-esteem; a rise in my aggression and anger responses; an increase in external anxieties; a constant, throbbing depression that hangs out in the background; general dependence on everyone else; an intense and violent fear and hatred of the phone unless calling my closest friends or relatives; a very painful, stifling, suffocating shyness; fear of physical contact; huge increase in trust issues, spawning completely unprovoked; sudden terror of the male species, unless they are clean-cut or sharply dressed; fear of making connections; constant stress reaction; and it goes on.
I recognize a lot of those are very related, and it will be a tangled knot to undo. It won't be hard, as far as these things can go, and I have superb support from people I love.
So I think I'm going to start doing a comic similar to my emotional catharsis filler on TnF. Now I'm stuck though: do I make it a public webcomic? Or do I keep it to myself?
On the upside of doing a webcomic, I can reach others and either get feedback, or just support; or I can help someone else. On the other hand, extremely personal information would be available online and probably easily linkable to my name, for any future employer to find. That said, that may not be too bad. On the other hand, sometimes it will involve someone close to me, who may read it. But I need to start to learn to communicate and unload all these issues. But I also can't go into some of other peoples' private affairs and how they are fueling my general screwiness. Which is all well and good -- i can be ambiguous too. But can I properly get out what needs getting out if I ignore those parts? Erngh.
On the other hand, if i keep it to myself, I can avoid all those issues. But then I can't share.
Point is, I'm really in need of restructuring myself. I've gotten to a bad place and I don't necessarily know where to go from here. My answer is not medication. The only thing I can possibly concede my needing medication for would be my anxiety, but even then it's not a crippling, screaming thing. And I'm hoping that this will help immensely.
The comic book page would be kind of like unloading to a therapist. A much cheaper therapist. :)
I have to admit, if I go live, so to speak, I'm apprehensive. I'm afraid of saying all this to the world. Right now I trust so few people with how I'm feeling, though I'm glad to say the one person I can be completely and wholly open with right up front is my boyfriend. And that bodes well, thank goodness.
All I could ask is that the information not be used against me ..... but this is the internet. Who can ask that?
So what to you guys think?
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, / cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud / and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
Oh, edit: What this means for TnF: I might drop down to one update a week, or i might not. It depends on how the new schedule of life goes when I'm in the apartment.
Oh that reminds me: I got a load of Stuff over there today. The majority of Stuff will be dragged up Sunday, and I will spend my first night there Sunday night. Fun stuff!
My birthday was freaking awesome. We did that and Ryan's mom practically attacked the chance to take me out to lunch once she found out it was my birthday ("GIVEMETHEPHONE. I am going to SLAP that boy, he just CASUALLY mentioned it was YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I HAD NO IDEA. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT, I'M PAYING.")
Then Alex took me to get great bubble tea in Fed Way, and then we went to go see The Dark is Rising at the $2 theater. OH GOD IT WAS SO BAD. DO NOT GO SEE IT. NOT WORTH IT. Unless you MST3K it like us. :B It was awesome.
Then I went to martial arts, for the last time. I'm kind of glad...love the people there, hate martial arts. I just am not aggressive enough to enjoy it. I do enjoy knowing I can kick someone's ass though, if need be, since when faced with a situation i'd sooner stab a guy then lay down and consent.
Anyways.
That was my cool day.
I'm now a very tired, very exhausted 19 year old. :)
And folks, I am extremely screwed up right now in the emotion department.
This is not to say I'm unstable. Definitely not. But I'm recovering from some weird emotional problems that have spawned such problems as: complete lack of confidence, even in the presence of high self-esteem; a rise in my aggression and anger responses; an increase in external anxieties; a constant, throbbing depression that hangs out in the background; general dependence on everyone else; an intense and violent fear and hatred of the phone unless calling my closest friends or relatives; a very painful, stifling, suffocating shyness; fear of physical contact; huge increase in trust issues, spawning completely unprovoked; sudden terror of the male species, unless they are clean-cut or sharply dressed; fear of making connections; constant stress reaction; and it goes on.
I recognize a lot of those are very related, and it will be a tangled knot to undo. It won't be hard, as far as these things can go, and I have superb support from people I love.
So I think I'm going to start doing a comic similar to my emotional catharsis filler on TnF. Now I'm stuck though: do I make it a public webcomic? Or do I keep it to myself?
On the upside of doing a webcomic, I can reach others and either get feedback, or just support; or I can help someone else. On the other hand, extremely personal information would be available online and probably easily linkable to my name, for any future employer to find. That said, that may not be too bad. On the other hand, sometimes it will involve someone close to me, who may read it. But I need to start to learn to communicate and unload all these issues. But I also can't go into some of other peoples' private affairs and how they are fueling my general screwiness. Which is all well and good -- i can be ambiguous too. But can I properly get out what needs getting out if I ignore those parts? Erngh.
On the other hand, if i keep it to myself, I can avoid all those issues. But then I can't share.
Point is, I'm really in need of restructuring myself. I've gotten to a bad place and I don't necessarily know where to go from here. My answer is not medication. The only thing I can possibly concede my needing medication for would be my anxiety, but even then it's not a crippling, screaming thing. And I'm hoping that this will help immensely.
The comic book page would be kind of like unloading to a therapist. A much cheaper therapist. :)
I have to admit, if I go live, so to speak, I'm apprehensive. I'm afraid of saying all this to the world. Right now I trust so few people with how I'm feeling, though I'm glad to say the one person I can be completely and wholly open with right up front is my boyfriend. And that bodes well, thank goodness.
All I could ask is that the information not be used against me ..... but this is the internet. Who can ask that?
So what to you guys think?
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, / cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud / and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
Oh, edit: What this means for TnF: I might drop down to one update a week, or i might not. It depends on how the new schedule of life goes when I'm in the apartment.
Oh that reminds me: I got a load of Stuff over there today. The majority of Stuff will be dragged up Sunday, and I will spend my first night there Sunday night. Fun stuff!
My birthday was freaking awesome. We did that and Ryan's mom practically attacked the chance to take me out to lunch once she found out it was my birthday ("GIVEMETHEPHONE. I am going to SLAP that boy, he just CASUALLY mentioned it was YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I HAD NO IDEA. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT, I'M PAYING.")
Then Alex took me to get great bubble tea in Fed Way, and then we went to go see The Dark is Rising at the $2 theater. OH GOD IT WAS SO BAD. DO NOT GO SEE IT. NOT WORTH IT. Unless you MST3K it like us. :B It was awesome.
Then I went to martial arts, for the last time. I'm kind of glad...love the people there, hate martial arts. I just am not aggressive enough to enjoy it. I do enjoy knowing I can kick someone's ass though, if need be, since when faced with a situation i'd sooner stab a guy then lay down and consent.
Anyways.
That was my cool day.
I'm now a very tired, very exhausted 19 year old. :)