Life of a College Graduate (Day 40)
I realized I never post in this thing anymore, so I thought that I would give everyone a little insight into my life. This is an excerpt from the notes of the play I've begun to write in my boredom . . . It's long and I can't remember how to lj cut anymore . . . sorry.
It's amazing how much we rely on one another to keep us sane through the trying times of our lives, through the boredom, through the pain and despair. And it's even more amazing when you lose those people. It's hard to really foresee how you're going to react when you are placed into a world where you see your friends maybe once a week. I don't know really what to do anymore.
My room is still a mess, though I have what I need to survive already to go and placed where they're need to go. 75% of my stuff lives in the garage. Though this space is not really my own . . . it's my parents' office area and really, I am the invader of space--the parasite to the unwilling, yet able host. Not that my parents are unwilling, but it's very obvious that they don't want me here anymore than I want to be here. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last here.
I'm bored, nothing to do. My house is empty most of the time, just the dog and I. This is probably what prison is like. Except communal showers and no way to really leave the compound. Nor is there unlimited TV, XBox 360 or unlimited or unrestricted internet. I can't do this anymore. I admire people who can sit around and do nothing all day long for years. I want a job, I want to work, I want to do something. I go shopping every day, mainly just looking at stuff, the occasional purchase, but no one to go with. It's rather depressing.
I quit smoking about 30 minutes ago. I've finally got the willpower and urge to do it. Hopefully I stick with it. However, with all this boredom, at least cigarettes were my friend and allowed me a self-indulgent break from reality. I don't know anymore.
I feel lost. I feel dazed. I feel confused. I feel sad. For the first time in my life I have nothing to do and no where to be. I can just be with myself. I thought I would love it, but I cannot tolerate it anymore. I have to be busy, I have to have my days booked with people to see and things to do. I miss not having time for lunch or dinner. At least it made the days go quickly.
And then there's him. My only sanity in this world. And he's gone. Perhaps he'll come back, perhaps not. The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. I still wait for him to call every days. I still wait for him to text, an e-mail. Anything. I find myself lost in thought for hours at a time, trapped inside a cage, tormented by my own demons and my own feelings of inequity and powerlessness. At least when we were together, I knew we were together and I knew at the end of the day or week, I would at least be there in his thoughts and maybe get a text message or a phone call. I know it's not fair of me to expect him to be with me at all hours, and I realize that. That's not what I wanted. I just want to know where I went wrong. Am I wrong to think that? Probably, but it's human nature to delve into what you could have done, rather than to just take it as it is. But I sit and wonder if the feelings are mutual. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is there still love? Or do I no longer fit into his life? Maybe I could have given more, done more . . . I don't know.
I'm an overweight college grad with no job, living with his parents. I am a gay man with no fashion sense, very few drips of the sterotypical "gay" within me. I don't know where to go or what to do. And that's just me. Pathetic. Alone. I want to fix this, but where does one go without a hammer or nails? It's just me and a shovel, and I dig it deeper.
It's amazing how much we rely on one another to keep us sane through the trying times of our lives, through the boredom, through the pain and despair. And it's even more amazing when you lose those people. It's hard to really foresee how you're going to react when you are placed into a world where you see your friends maybe once a week. I don't know really what to do anymore.
My room is still a mess, though I have what I need to survive already to go and placed where they're need to go. 75% of my stuff lives in the garage. Though this space is not really my own . . . it's my parents' office area and really, I am the invader of space--the parasite to the unwilling, yet able host. Not that my parents are unwilling, but it's very obvious that they don't want me here anymore than I want to be here. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last here.
I'm bored, nothing to do. My house is empty most of the time, just the dog and I. This is probably what prison is like. Except communal showers and no way to really leave the compound. Nor is there unlimited TV, XBox 360 or unlimited or unrestricted internet. I can't do this anymore. I admire people who can sit around and do nothing all day long for years. I want a job, I want to work, I want to do something. I go shopping every day, mainly just looking at stuff, the occasional purchase, but no one to go with. It's rather depressing.
I quit smoking about 30 minutes ago. I've finally got the willpower and urge to do it. Hopefully I stick with it. However, with all this boredom, at least cigarettes were my friend and allowed me a self-indulgent break from reality. I don't know anymore.
I feel lost. I feel dazed. I feel confused. I feel sad. For the first time in my life I have nothing to do and no where to be. I can just be with myself. I thought I would love it, but I cannot tolerate it anymore. I have to be busy, I have to have my days booked with people to see and things to do. I miss not having time for lunch or dinner. At least it made the days go quickly.
And then there's him. My only sanity in this world. And he's gone. Perhaps he'll come back, perhaps not. The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. I still wait for him to call every days. I still wait for him to text, an e-mail. Anything. I find myself lost in thought for hours at a time, trapped inside a cage, tormented by my own demons and my own feelings of inequity and powerlessness. At least when we were together, I knew we were together and I knew at the end of the day or week, I would at least be there in his thoughts and maybe get a text message or a phone call. I know it's not fair of me to expect him to be with me at all hours, and I realize that. That's not what I wanted. I just want to know where I went wrong. Am I wrong to think that? Probably, but it's human nature to delve into what you could have done, rather than to just take it as it is. But I sit and wonder if the feelings are mutual. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is there still love? Or do I no longer fit into his life? Maybe I could have given more, done more . . . I don't know.
I'm an overweight college grad with no job, living with his parents. I am a gay man with no fashion sense, very few drips of the sterotypical "gay" within me. I don't know where to go or what to do. And that's just me. Pathetic. Alone. I want to fix this, but where does one go without a hammer or nails? It's just me and a shovel, and I dig it deeper.