alone in a crowded room.
that was hard.
tomorrow will be worse.
apparently, dying is a part of life. ive chose to ignore that fact until it hits me in the face.. which has happened quite often in my life.
but i got there, and i saw all the guys, and they couldnt go in yet. they were still composing themselves. i went in, and knew i was going to be strong. for maegan. for starla and chelsea adn the rest of the family. sure enough, i lost it. when i see my girl hurt, i hurt with her.. and so we just cried, hugged, and kept claiming that this wasnt real. this wasnt really happening.
i walked to the otherside of the room to where the casket was. i was about twenty feet away from it, and couldnt go closer. i was scared or something because i took these baby steps toward him, and then i'd back off. i got close enough to see his face. it was pale, adn zach always had red cheeks. zach's dad came up behind me and put his arm around me and told me it was okay. i got really close and lost it. it was the cry. my cry. my bawling. my knees buckled and i just turned around and hugged alan and cried on him. he just held me and said all the right things. i dont know how he did it. i should have been the one comforting him, telling him it was okay.. not the other way around. i couldnt look at zach. it hurt and made me numb. i think im still a little numb.
it wasnt until taylor got there that i went back in the room. and me megg and taylor decided that we'd go talk to him. together. so we did. it was a weird silence at first so i decided i'd start. and i just told him that i loved him first, and that i didnt mind him choosing the pretty one (maegan) over me. we stood there forever adn just talked. laughed. cried. the rest of the conversation is now between zach megg taylor and me.
then the guys came back in the room. landon stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. it was comforting being there this time. preston matt ock and blake all stood behind us three girls and we all just talked to zach. it was us again. and it was good. i think the second time was much better than the first, because we were all much calmer and less hysterical.
i will miss him. we all will. there is no doubt about that.
tomorrow will be rough. im going to try to sleep, but sleep doesnt come easy these days.
<07.05.05>
tomorrow will be worse.
apparently, dying is a part of life. ive chose to ignore that fact until it hits me in the face.. which has happened quite often in my life.
but i got there, and i saw all the guys, and they couldnt go in yet. they were still composing themselves. i went in, and knew i was going to be strong. for maegan. for starla and chelsea adn the rest of the family. sure enough, i lost it. when i see my girl hurt, i hurt with her.. and so we just cried, hugged, and kept claiming that this wasnt real. this wasnt really happening.
i walked to the otherside of the room to where the casket was. i was about twenty feet away from it, and couldnt go closer. i was scared or something because i took these baby steps toward him, and then i'd back off. i got close enough to see his face. it was pale, adn zach always had red cheeks. zach's dad came up behind me and put his arm around me and told me it was okay. i got really close and lost it. it was the cry. my cry. my bawling. my knees buckled and i just turned around and hugged alan and cried on him. he just held me and said all the right things. i dont know how he did it. i should have been the one comforting him, telling him it was okay.. not the other way around. i couldnt look at zach. it hurt and made me numb. i think im still a little numb.
it wasnt until taylor got there that i went back in the room. and me megg and taylor decided that we'd go talk to him. together. so we did. it was a weird silence at first so i decided i'd start. and i just told him that i loved him first, and that i didnt mind him choosing the pretty one (maegan) over me. we stood there forever adn just talked. laughed. cried. the rest of the conversation is now between zach megg taylor and me.
then the guys came back in the room. landon stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. it was comforting being there this time. preston matt ock and blake all stood behind us three girls and we all just talked to zach. it was us again. and it was good. i think the second time was much better than the first, because we were all much calmer and less hysterical.
i will miss him. we all will. there is no doubt about that.
tomorrow will be rough. im going to try to sleep, but sleep doesnt come easy these days.
<07.05.05>