Merlin 2x09 - In which the Gei strikes again and Hetero subplots are stupid
I have to admit that I was not looking forward to this episode. I was still really stung from last week, despite all the things I had read and sort of coming to terms with the ending (even coming to understand why it happened). Didn't mean I liked it any less. So I was even considering not getting up at 4am (after a big night out) just to watch this one. Because I honestly didn't think I could deal with all the potential failage at such an early hour, when I was so sleep deprived and dead anyway.
Having said that, I'm so glad I did. The reaction posts in merlinxarthur always make it worthwhile, and the fact that this show can never make Heterosexuality work, made this episode pure gold in terms of Merlin/Arthur shipping love. Plot left a lot to be desired, but I guess my expectations were so low that just getting the Arthur/Merlin was enough to keep me happy. XDD;
This week’s Merlin was written by Julian Jones, the one and only that I actually managed to get an interview with. Oh dear. That kind of … saddens me, because I liked him well enough before but after this week’s episode I’m kind of thinking “WTF were you thinking, Julian??” My god, I just don’t know anymore.
I’m probably going to sound really nasty when referring to Freya, but I assure everyone it’s just for shits and giggles. And I’m super jealous that she gets to be kissing Colin Morgan, when I would give my soul to be able to jump his bones. ^-^;
To begin this episode, we have a cart rolling up in the rain, lighting flashing and thunder booming. This is all rather reminiscent of ‘The Witchfinder’ episode, and my first thought is LOL WE CAN USE DIFFERENT SHOTS YOU KNOW, DIRECTORS. DOESN’T ALWAYS HAVE TO STEREOTYPICALLY LOLIROUS. And apparently this Bounty Hunter doesn’t like the rain, because he scowls up at the sky, like that’s going to do anything. Just in case we didn’t realise he was the Big Bad Evil Guy this episode, he goes up to the back of the cage, holding Freya, and goes GRRR RAWR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR right in her face. LOL BBC, WHY SO ANGRY. Freya shits three kinds of bricks and cringes in the corner, inwardly crying like the little emo child she is. *pets emo child*
Gaius and Merlin are in a plot convenience house, tending to a plot convenience ill patient, which is crap because Gaius is meant to be COURT PHYSICAN. NOT TOWN PHYSICAN. WTF WRITER, JUST, OMG. SO STUPID, MY BRAIN CAN’T EVEN. They even have to pass the “The Rising Sun” pub, which I find amusing because someone was like “hey, what would you know it, they do drink in Camelot!” meaning of course, Merlin is trying to save the little kiddies from thinking about their drunken parents going to the Bad Drink Place, so they never mention a pub or bar in the whole show. Unless it’s to watch people eat. But we’ll get to that later.
Merlin is walking along behind Gaius, like a good little assistant, when Freya sudden jumps up, all over those bars basically screaming “BITCH HELP ME”, but she doesn’t because she doesn’t seem to be able to talk. (WOOT, keep it that way bitch) Merlin is plot-conveniently clueless, and Gaius has to explain “OK, WELL, YOU SEE THIS CAGE? CLEARLY SHE HAS BEEN CAPTURED. MOST PROBABLY BY THE BIG BAD EVIL GUY. ALSO CALLED A BOUNTY HUNTER, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE SHOW DESCRIPTION SAID. MMMKAY?”
“She’s just a girl” “she’ll still fetch a good price though” OMG PLEASE TELL ME I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT THOUGHT DIRTY THOUGHTS. SPECIFICALLY, THAT UTHER WAS BUYING HIMSELF AN IN-COURT PROSISTUTE. CAN YOU SERIOUSLY BLAME ME, WITH WORDING LIKE THAT? COME THE FUCK ON.
Merlin is indignant about this fuckery, because OMG WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE’S GOING TO BE HELD AGAINST HER WILL? WE HAVE TO DOOOOOOO SOMETHING GAIUSSSSSSS! DDDDDD: oh, and because she has Magic. Phtt, but who cares about that. Thankfully Gaius has some sense and is like “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT, STUPID. DON’T YOU REMEMBER TWO EPISODES AGO, WHEN YOU ALMOST GOT YOURSELF, MORGANA AND I KILLED FROM YOUR STUPID MAGIC-RELATED TENDANCIES? JUST, LEAVE IT ALONE, MERLIN”. But oh no, Merlin couldn’t possibly take Gaius’s advice, his brain is already working the rust off those clogs.
DON’T DO IT MERLIN, WHAT WOULD ARTHUR SAY IF HE KNEW YOU WERE THINKING IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIM?
Clearly the Magical girl is thinking along the same lines as me, and is utterly terrified of Merlin.
THAT FACE MEANS SHE IS TOTALLY THINKING MERLIN IS ABOUT TO RAPE HER. JUST GTFO MERLIN AND LEAVE HER ALONE, BEFORE YOU GO VIOLATING THIS POOR YOUNG WOMAN. I SEE YOUR SLUT HANGING OUT THERE. SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE IT LIKE ME LIKE ARTHUR. OR MORGANA. OR EVEN GWEN, HELL, I BET THEIR NOT PICKY.
After the credits we have Sneaky Merlin Suspiciously Sneaking out of the house again, in the dead of night. LOL MERLIN, THIS IS WHY WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH ARTHUR. BECAUSE YOU GO HOME WITH GAIUS, ONLY TO HAVE TO SNEAK OUT AGAIN ONCE HE’S ASLEEP FOR SEXING TIMES. WHY DON’T YOU JUST LIVE IN THE ADJORNING ANTICHAMBER, LIKE YOU WERE IN THE FIRST EPISODE. THE FANGIRLS WOULD BE HAPPIER FOR IT.
Ahem, anyway. I find it kind of amusing that Merlin didn’t have to knock anything over like the clumsy git he is this time for Gaius to snort and toss about in bed. LOL YES, YOU FAIL AT STEALTH MERLIN. That much is obvious in the next shot, where we see Merlin sneaking along RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MOONLIGHT, LIKE THE FAILING FAILURE OF A SNEAK HE IS so he can look into the Rising Sun pub and can spy on the Bounty Hunter noming like a stereotypical disgusting pig on some suspiciously raw looking meet, since that’s clearly how all Big Bad people act. Yes, I am referring to the men in 2x04 that felt the need to eat raw meat and drink like they couldn’t find their mouths, just to make the point that THEY WERE NOT THE GOOD GUYS.
*headdesk*
Merlin, the raping fool, goes right up to the girls cage and barges in like no body’s business. Yes, cage is totally a euphemism in this episode for ‘vagina’. Just you wait and see. So he Magic’s his wand inside her cage and says the safety word to Magic off the bondage handcuffs that are tying up her cage. Clearly they both just came in their pants so Merlin takes Freya’s hand and they ditch that rather exposed, straw covered cage, as they aren’t quite the Exhibitionist we thought they were. Merlin lurks behind her cage to hide from the icky Voyeuristic Bounty Hunter, who can only have one thing on his mind after such a hearty meal. You can almost hear him yelling IT’S RAPING TIME as he walks up to Freya’s cage.
Unfortunately for him, the cage is bare and he is not at all happy. I wanted to laugh here so hard, because you can see him totally wanting to scream “WHO STOLE MY PROSISTUTE, BITCH? IF I DON’T GET HER BACK RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, IMMA FUCK YOU UP!” Though I don’t think it would have bothered Merlin too much, he’s too busy being excited about hiding around Freya’s cage and thinking of all the raping he’s going to be doing later. Just to show the Rapist Bounty Hunter who is Head Rapist, he does his signature Magic trick and drops “The Rising Sun” sign on his head. LOL SUCH A BASTARD, MERLIN. Although this time it doesn’t seem to knock out Mr Bounty Hunter, so I’m rather impressed. And kind of liking this evil guy, because he’s the only one so far not to flail about like a retard the second something goes wrong. Unlike Merlin, of course, who panics like a motherfuck when he almost runs into the Guards on patrol, and scurries off to some rather convenient placed underground passage nearby.
Ok, I realise that I shouldn’t be making rape jokes, because rape is not funny. BUT COME ON, MERLIN IS TOTALLY NOT LISTENING TO FREYA AND WHAT SHE WANTS. SHE TELLS HIM A HUNDRED TIMES TO LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE, BUT DOES HE? NO. IT’S A WOMAN’S CHOICE MERLIN, AND IF SHE TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF, SHE WANTS YOU TO FUCK. OFF.
Alright, back to the episode. Merlin sticks Freya in a rather exposed hidey hole under the city, which would be in plain view of anyone smart enough to check down there. But of course, everyone in Camelot is stupid, so Freya backs right the fuck away from this crazy Magic using Hunkmaster, and they never mention the obvious question of “SO WHAT NOW”. Freya does ask the question however, “why did you help me” because clearly everyone else is thinking the same thing. Instead of answering “because I’m an idiot and I like to rescue Magic people with my Magical abilities, because it makes me feel less inadequate that I’m not pleasing my boyfriend”, he does this rather heart wrenching stuttering thing and says “it could have been me”. OH MERLIN. YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU LOOK RIDICULOUSLY RAVISHABLE IN THAT TORCH LIGHT OR I WOULD QUESTION YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS. YET AGAIN.
Merlin finishes up with saying that Freya will be safe down in the dark, creepy passages under Camelot (logic says LOLWUT) and that he’ll come back in the morning with food and candles so he can get his freak on in the candlelight. Because you know Merlin likes it like that. HE EVEN SMILES CREEPILY AT HER. OH NO YOU DIN’T MERLIN, GET YOUR EYES OFF HER CLEAVAGE. NOT EVEN FREYA LIKES THE HUSKY SEX VOICE YOU USE TO SAY HER NAME. I SEE YOUR EYES WANDERING THERE, YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME.
However, he does give her his jacket to cover up her bare shoulders. Freya feels slightly less violated when Merlin is unable to keep looking at her like he’d like to lick her all over, but thanks him nonetheless as he goes to leave. Aww, such a nice girl, BOUT TIME YOU REMEMBERED YOUR MANNERS. SRSLY, WTF. THIS MAGIC GUY CLEARLY JUST BUSTED YOUR ARSE OUTTA JAIL, AND YOUR TOO BUSY BEING ALL “WTF DID YOU SAVE ME FOR, DUMBASS” *facepalm*. Although I’ll forgive her, Merlin was looking at her rather predatorily the whole time. I’m guessing he’s not getting any from Arthur, so he has to find a substitute from somewhere, and this whore will have to do.
Next morning Merlin’s all “IMMA GET LAID TODAY” with this big grin on his face as he tries to find something edible to take down to Freya to woo her with. Sadly he can only come up with some bread and a shrivelled fruit that looks suspiciously like a pickled testicle, which would be a rather unfortunate gift for the girl he’s trying to rape woo.
So instead he comes up with the brilliant idea to steal food from Arthur. And by brilliant I mean brainless. It does mean we are treated to some rather nice bicep!porn from Arthur, who is lying in bed with his mouth enticingly open moaning Merlin’s name.
Merlin dumps the plate of meats, cheese and bread into a napkin and stuffs it down his pants or something, before replacing it with the rather sad looking bread and apple (what happened to the pickled testicle?). Arthur is clearly not a morning person, judging by the “UUUUUGH, WTF” face he has upon Merlin shining the light in his eyes.
Clearly he is used to being woken in a much more satisfactory way ... like with his cock in Merlin’s mouth. I’M JUST SAYIN’. He even confirms it with his next sentence when he says “OI, where’s the meat????”
Erm, right, head out of gutter to jump into LOLIRIOUS LOLING MOMENT OF LULZ, when Merlin implies that Arthur is fat. AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Merlin: “we have to keep you in shape”
Arthur: “I AM FIGHTING FIT!!! DDD:<” /=*IS NOT HAPPY*
Merlin: *completely insensitive* “we have to keep it that way”
Arthur: RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! *THROWS FOOD IN DISPLEASURE*
AND THEN, AND THEN, AND ZOMG THEN ARTHUR ASKS “IS THERE SOMEWHERE YOU HAVE TO BE?” AND MERLIN ACTS LIKE A TOTAL PUSSY-WHIPPED LITTLE BITCH, INSTANTLY JUMPING ON THE “OH NO SIRE, OF COURSE I CAN STAY TO PLEASURE YOU FURTHER” AND ARTHUR SAYS THE MAGIC WORDS. HE HAS “CHORES” FOR MERLIN. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
SEXING TIEMZ!!!!!
AND OMG I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. THE NEXT SHOT HAS MERLIN OBVIOUSLY SLIGHTLY DISHEVELLED, HALF HIS CLOTHING MISSING, AND POURING A BATH FOR ARTHUR SO HE CAN CLEAN HIMSELF AFTER SAID SEXING TIMES. LIKE OMG, SHOW, KEEP IT BETWEEN THE SHEETS. THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS NECKERCHEIF, HMM? AND HIS JACKET, HMM?? OH YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME, SEX SCENES, I SEE YOU.
ARTHUR TELLS MERLIN HE’D BETTER MAKE SURE HIS BATH IS HOT ENOUGH, HE’LL BE NEEDING IT AFTER THAT RATHER BENDY, MAGICAL SEX THEY JUST HAD. MERLIN REALISES HOW MUCH HE FAILS AS A SERVANT AND HAS TO MAGIC THE WATER HOTTER, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PLEASE HIS LOVER. BUT LOLOLOLOLOLOL OH NO, MERLIN INSTEAD BOILS THE WATER TILL IT’S BUBBLING OVER LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA
MERLIN, YOU FAIL SO HARD AS A MANSERVANT. XDDDDDDD
THAT STEAM ROLLING OFF THE TOP ISN’T FOOLING ANYONE. EXCEPT ARTHUR, CAUSE HE’S SILLY AND HIS MIND IS STILL ON THE VERY SATISFYING SEX HE JUST HAD.
ARTHUR WALKS OUT IN A TOWEL. MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED, IT CANNOT POSSIBLY DEAL.
OH SHUT UP, YOU TOTALLY WERE TOO.
WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO SEE UP THAT SPILT.
MERLIN IS CLEARLY DRAWN TO THAT BARE LEG ALSO. DON’T BLAME YOU MATE.
MERLIN YOU LUCKY, LUCKY BASTARD.
SPEAKING OF TOWELS, WHY IS ARTHUR EVEN WEARING ONE? SURELY ARTHUR, WHO HAS TO BE DRESSED BY MERLIN, WOULD NOT BE SHY ABOUT STRUTTING AROUND NAKED IN FRONT OF HIM? I KNOW I’VE READ A FIC LIKE THIS ONCE.
THEIR HAVING SEX FOR FUCKS SAKE, SURELY YOU DON’T NEED A TOWEL TO WALK OVER TO THE BATH.
MERLIN WOULD ENJOY THE VIEW. AS WOULD THE REST OF US ALSO WOULD, SO WHY ROB US OF EVEN MOAR NAKED ARTHUR? SO CRUEL BBC, SO CRUEL.
ARTHUR ACCUSES MERLIN OF BEING HALF ASLEEP, AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS “LOL, MORE LIKE HE HAS SEX ON THE BRAIN.”
MERLIN SAYS HE’LL GET ARTHUR SOME COLD WATER TO CALM HIS SEX-CRAVING SELF, BUT INSTEAD ARTHUR THROWS WATER ON MERLIN INSTEAD.
ALGKKJAGJALKJA;KLJGA;JGAJKGA
ZOMG MORE WET MERLIN. RAWR, YES PLEASE.
CLEARLY ARTHUR LIKES HIS MANSERVANT WET AND READY TO GO.
EVEN MERLIN ENJOYS IT.
SEE WHAT I MEAN??
Now we move on to a not-so-capslock-spastic scene in which the Bounty Hunter is slightly intelligent, Gaius and Uther are acting like the perfect domestic couple and the Druid girl is referred to as a sexual gift. I CAN’T HELP IT OK, THESE PEOPLE ARE PUTTING IDEAS INTO MY HEAD. JUST CHECK OUT THE CONVERSATION :-
Uther: You come bearing gifts?
Bounty Hunter: Yes, sire. A Druid girl. But she escaped last night.
Uther: Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her.
DGJJALFKJA;LKGJA;LKJFLKAJ
JUST HOLY FUCKING GOD. UTHER SAYS FREYA = PROSTITUTE, Y/Y?
But the Bounty Hunter warns Uther that Freya is rather dangerous in the sack, that she is cursed with a devilish tongueand that someone probably stole her for that awfully tight cage. LOL this whole conversation makes me roll about the floor. The Bounty Hunter and Gaius are taking this threat very seriously, whereas Uther is just like “meh, bring her to my chambers when you find her” AHAHAHAHAHAHA TOO CONCERNED YOU SOUND UTHER. XDD
Gaius and Uther acting the perfect married couple:
WHY ARE THEY NOT HAVING SEX ALREADY??
Though apparently the Druids were frightened of her, and turned her in, even though it’s in their nature to help someone in need of care. Which I suppose is true, since in 2x03, Morgana was well cared for when she was staying at the Druid Camp. But this is clearly showing just how BADASS Freya is, with her ~unknown~ evilness and all - not even the Druids want a part of it. But the Bounty Hunter thinks someone is harbouring her, so they should search the lower town, because he saw two figures running that way. My, oh my, this guy is half way intelligent. I’m impressed!
The Bounty Hunter is given permission to do what he will with the people of Camelot, and goes out to perform a search of all the townspeople. This apparently means that they have to line up while Mr Bounty Hunter judges their penis whether or not he thinks they are harbouring the girl. So a bunch of women are being manhandled because no one has respect for women in these times, and then we have MERLIN. LOL THIS SHOW, I SWEAR TO GOD, IS JUST *TRYING* TO MAKE ME THINK MERLIN IS A WOMAN IN DISGUISE OR SOMETHING. OBVIOUSLY ARTHUR IS THE ‘MAN’ IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, WITH HOW MANY TIMES MERLIN IS IMPLIED TO BE A GIRL. YES, I AM THINKING UNICORNS HERE.
Merlin is let through unsuspectingly ... almost! THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS SUSPICIOUS OF YOU MERLIN. O__________o EVEN THE SOUNDTRACK IS, YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT. YOU’RE NOT HELPING BY LOOKING INCREDIBLY GUILTY.
He does escape however, and goes down to the dark passage where Freya is sleeping. OMG YOU CREEPSTER, SHE IS SLEEPING, LEAVE HER ALONE. STOP WATCHING HER LIKE A CREEPY OLD MAN, GOD. MY OVARIES DO NOT APPROVE. HE EVEN REACHES OUT TO TOUCH HER. DDDDDDDD:< FREYA DOES NOT WANT THIS ARM RAPE!
So thankfully Freya wakes up (albeit, scared out of her wits. Hell, if I woke up with a strange, creepy man leering at me and stroking MY arm, I would be too. Then I’d notice it was Colin Morgan and then ... well) and Merlin says he’s sorry and gives Freya an offering of food to make up for the arm rape.
I kind of like this poor girl, I can’t help it. The way she shovels the food in her mouth like she’s a savage (LOL) is well acted, and it’s not her fault if Merlin is retarded. Poor thing is copping so much hate when she’s clearly the victim here. Hell, even from me, I’ll admit. She’s clearly terrified of Merlin and wants nothing to do with him the whole episode (until near the end), so I’m going to give her benefit of the doubt and just give Merlin a good kick in the arse.
ESPECIALLY SINCE THE NEXT THING HE SAYS IS THAT THE FOOD IS “FIT FOR A PRINCE” - YEA, CAUSE YOU STOLE IT FROM YOUR LOVER, YOU COMPLETE ARSE. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU MERLIN, STEALING FROM YOUR LOVER TO GIVE TO THIS NOBODY GIRL? HUH? HUH? JUST TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, I DARE YOU.
AS IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, SUICIDALLY STUPID MERLIN JUST GOES AND ~MAGICS~ THE CANDLES HE BROUGHT WITH HIS SPECIAL MAGICAL SKILLZ, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS BITCH HE’S KNOWN FOR ALL OF THREE SECONDS. LIKE SRSLY MERLIN, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD? HAVE WE NOT LEARNT BY NOW THAT MOST MAGICAL PEOPLE ARE *NOT* YOUR FRIEND? GEEZ, KEEP USING MAGIC WILLY-NILLY LIKE THAT AND YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF ON THE EXECUTIONERS BLOCK.
Merlin seems to expect the girl to be impressed? IDK, but she kind of nods at him, no doubt falling for his cuteness. Hell, I doubt anyone could resist Merlin’s adorable face for long. She still doesn’t speak much to him, despite Merlin’s attempts to pick her up converse with her. Freya even calls Merlin out on his bullshit, asking why the fuck is he asking HER questions? I have to wonder the same thing, because we all KNOW Merlin knows that symbol is a Druid Symbol, we saw it in season 1 with Mordred, you fucking stupid writer. STOP MAKING MERLIN SOUND LIKE A COMPLETELY IDIOT ALREADY. I DON’T LIKE IT.
They bond over the fact that they have to keep secrets, or some shit that is about as believable as a horse tap-dancing. Merlin dismisses Gaius’s knowledge of his Magic like it’s nothing saying “BUT HE DOESN’T UNDERTAAAAAAAAAND ME~ *EMOS*” and I’m about to slap that adorable smile off his face. Freya is clearly thinking its Merlin who doesn’t understand, because he doesn’t believe her when she says she’s cursed. I kind of giggle at Merlins “NO, MAGIC IS A GOOD THING. DON’T SAY YOU’RE CURSED, MAGIC IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. LIKE SEX” with his adorkable smile and voice all breathy like that. Rawr, break me off a piece of that.
But then he realises that Freya doesn’t believe a word he’s saying, or she’s rather unimpressed by his attempts to pick her up, or something, so he decides to show off. Merlin does this by Magic’ing the flames off the candles, so that they hang in midair. LOL HE LOOKS SO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. OH MERLIN, YOU ARE JUST SO ADORABLE.
Freya is distracted by the puuuuuuuuurdy lights and gives Merlin this adorable grin that actually makes her look really cute.
TELL ME YOU WOULD NOT HIT THAT, ONCE SHE HAD A SHOWER. I DARE YOU.
MERLIN IS CLEARLY THINKING ALONG THE SAME LINES. HIS FACE BETRAYS THE PERVERTED, RAPING THOUGHTS HE HAS, THE FILTY WHORE.
Because Merlin knows if he stays he will rape her be missing out on hot chain mail sex with Arthur (WHO WOULD KNOW THAT HE IS MISSING. OMG GEI SUBTEXT SAYS SEX), he has to leave. But the filthy whore says he’ll be back for sexing tiemz with more food, which I suspect is a euphemism. Thankfully we see Merlin leave, and my over-sexed brain doesn’t have to think of all the things that could be happening off camera. D:
Merlin returns to Gaius’s chambers, and he’s barely even through the door before Gaius is all “WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER?????? I SUSPECT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SUSPICIOUS” except not quite, because Gaius is subtle like that. Merlin doesn’t even try to act the least bit concerned that she escaped, which just fuels Gaius’s suspicions. He asks Merlin if he knows where the girl is, and Merlin LIES to his FACE like the LYING LIAR HE IS. Gaius’s Eyebrow does not approve, and can totally see through your bullshit lie, Merlin.
But Merlin knows just what to do, and breaks out his puppy dog eyes. HE KNOWS NO ONE CAN RESIST THEM.
Gaius cannot resist them, and just issues a disguised threat to Merlin instead - that he’s head is basically going to be forcibly removed from his shoulders should he be LYING.
BUT WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT NOW BECAUSE WE GO STRAIGHT INTO THE MOST EPICALLY AWESOME SCENE OF EUPHEMISTIC AWESOMESAUCE
ARTHUR IS EATING A CHICKEN LEG. WITH HIS FINGERS. EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A KNIFE AND ANOTHER KNIFE BESIDE HIS PLATE. LOLOLOLOL WHY DO YOU NEED TWO KNIVES ARTHUR, COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING?
WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO BE THAT DRUMSTICK.
YOU TOTALLY KNOW THAT’S HOW HE MUNCHES INTO MERLIN’S NECK AT NIGHT. OH YES YOU DO.
MERLIN COMES OVER TO ASK IF HE WOULD LIKE SOME SEX WATER WITH THAT LEG, TO WHICH ARTHUR IS “OOOOOOOOOOOH YEA”. UNF, I APPROVE OF THAT LOOK ARTHUR GIVES MERLIN AND THE WAVING OF HIS HAND. PWAOOOOR, HELLO SEXPOT.
MERLIN MAGICS THE SHAPE KNIFE OFF THE TABLE, AND HOW ARTHUR DIDN’T REALISE THAT WAS MAGIC, I DON’T EVEN KNOW. LOL HIS BARELY CONFUSED “HUH?” FACE IS JUST FUCKING PRICELESS. NO WONDER ARTHUR IS NEVER GOING TO SUSPECT MERLIN’S MAGIC, IF HE CARRIES ON LIKE THIS.
WHILE ARTHUR IS BENDING OVER HIS CHAIR WANTING TO BE SPANKED LIKE THE NAUGHTY BOY HE IS MERLIN MAGICS A DRUMSTICK TO FLY INTO THE WATER JUG. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MERLIN’S FUCKING FAAAAAAAACE IN THAT SHOT IS JUST HILARIOUS. IT’S ALL “LALALA, I AM NOT DOING ANTYHING AT ALLLLLLLLLL SUSPICIOUS” XDDDDDDDD;
ARTHUR IS ONTO YOU THOUGH, YOU THEIVING SCOUNDREL. OF COURSE THE MAN KNOWS HE HAD TWO DRUMSTICKS, HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO EATING THOSE.
MERLIN SAYS THAT PERHAPS IT FELL ON THE FLOOR. LOL LIKE HIS KNIFE JUST DID? YOU TOTALLY JUST WANT HIM TO BEND OVER HIS CHAIR FOR AN EXCUSE TO PERV ON HIS PERFECT ARSE MERLIN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.
AND THEN HE STEALS ARHUR’S SAUSAGES. SAUSAGES, FOR GOD’S SAKE. OOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD, THEY AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW ANYMORE. FUCKING SAUSAGES!!!! *FLAILS*
ARTHUR KNOWS THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO STEAL HIS PHALLIC SYMBOLS MERLIN. GOD, IF YOU WANT SEX, JUST ASK FOR IT. INSTEAD MERLIN SAYS THAT THE SAUSAGES MUST HAVE FALLEN UNDER THE TABLE AND INTO ARTHUR’S PANTS. MEANING MERLIN HAS TO DO HIS SERVANTLY DUTIES AND FETCH THEM OUT. BUT OH DEAR, MY HAND SLIPPED AND GRABBED YOUR PENIS INSTEAD. HOW HARD YOU ARE ARTHUR, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING?
AFTER THE INDISCRETE HANDJOB, MERLIN EVEN SAYS “YOU CAN SEARCH ME” WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A CODE WORD FOR “I NEED SEX NOW, YOU BETTER REPAY THE FAVOUR”. JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE BENDS OVER FOR ARTHUR, CLEARLY HE’S WET AND READY.
ALKFGJALFKJAJJ
THE WAY THEY GET IN CLOSE LIKE THAT, ARTHUR ASSERTING HIS AUTHORITY LIKE THAT. MERLIN BEING ALL SASSY BITCHFACE, THROWING ARTHUR’S TRICKS RIGHT BACK AT HIM. MERLIN WANTING ARTHUR TO EAT HIS SAUSAGE, AND ARTHUR NOT HAVING THE CHANCE. MERLIN’S FACE CLEARLY WANTS THAT CHANCE.
THIS SHOW IS OH SO DIRTY.
*fans self* my gosh, that was all rather exciting. Makes up for the stupid so far, yes? So does this next bit, where Merlin is carrying the jug holding the food through the streets *LOL* looking like the total shifty bastard he is. And while he’s looking in every direction BUT the one he’s walking in, he walks straight into the Big Bad Bounty Hunter.
Merlin is manhandled by the guards into a secluded area of the Castle (OMG WHUT. SURELY THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS NOT THINKING OF SEX AT THIS TIME ALSO?!) and the Bounty Hunter takes Merlin’s jug and dumps the sausages on the floor. Merlin does a rather good job of lying here, I’m kind of impressed, with that desperate look on his face. He looks pretty desperate, like he just wants the leftovers for himself, and that he’s too poor to eat anything but leftovers. Oh Merlin, you face is just so ... UNF here that it would melt even the coldest hearts. Especially that way he says “for my dinner!” *wibbles*
Unfortunately for Merlin, the Big Bad Bounty Hunter has a heart of stone, and calls you on your bullshit.
AND HE GETS RIGHT IN CLOSE TO MERLIN, TOTALLY VIOLATING HIS PERSONAL SPACE. DX OMG DO NOT WANT, I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE. PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM HIM, I DON’T WANT TO BE THINKING SEXUAL THOUGHTS HERE. DDDDX
The Bounty Hunter definitely suspects Merlin is lying to him, and forces him into the seat and has the guards hold him. He readies the chain and handcuffs to do ... what? OMG DO NOT WANT BONDAGE SEX. DDX It seems to be the Bounty Hunter’s threat - he will rape Merlin stupid unless he tells the truth, which seems to be rather effective in scaring the shit out of Merlin.
NEVER FEAR, ARTHUR TO THE RESCUE!
HE STOPS THE BOUNTY HUNTER FROM PUNCHING MERLIN IN THE FACE.
ARTHUR THEN SAYS THAT MERLIN IS “MY MANSERVANT, BITCH, SO DON’T YOU DARE LAY A HAND ON HIM”.
THEN HE EVEN SAYS THAT MERLIN HAS HIS ABSOLUTE TRUST, AND I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS. OH ARTHUR, YOU EVEN SAID IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MERLIN. YAY!! NOW MERLIN KNOWS YOU CARE!
*DANCES AROUND THE ROOM*
THEN ARTHUR TOTALLY METAPHORICALLY BITCH SLAPS THE BOUNTY HUNTER, TELLING HIM HE CAN ONLY GET TO MERLIN IF HE GOES THROUGH HIM. WHICH OF COURSE IS TOTALLY OFF LIMITS. OMG ARTHUR, WHY SO AWESOME. ILU, SFM.
THEN HE NOTICES HIS DINNER ON THE FLOOR, AND MERLIN KNOWS HE’S BUSTED.
“AHH.” HE SAYS. GAAAAAAAAH, THAT FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
ARTHUR IS TOTALLY ONTO YOU MERLIN, STEALING HIS PHALLIC SYMBOLS SAUSAGES. ARTHUR THINKS YOU WERE JUST USING THEM AS AN EXCUSE TO GET INTO HIS PANTS EARLIER.
ARTHUR DOESN’T KNOW WHETHER TO BE ANNOYED OR NOT.
THEN MERLIN SAYS THE MOST SPASTASTIC THING EVAAAAAR, THAT HE STOLE THE SAUSAGES TO ”KEEP [ARTHUR] IN SHAPE” ONCE AGAIN IMPLYING THAT ARTHUR IS FAT.
OMG LOL ROFLMFAO AHAHAHAHA EHEHEHEHE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I AM DYING HERE. DYING!!!
ARTHUR DOES NOT LIKE THIS IMPLICATION, AND DEMANDS TO KNOW IF MERLIN IS CALLING HIM FAT. XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
SUCH A GIRL ARTHUR. SUCH. A. GIRL.
MERLIN RESPONDS THAT OF COURSE THAT TUNIC DOESN’T MAKE HIS BUTT LOOK BIG, THOUGH HE’D BETTER LAY OFF THE SWEETS.
INDIGNANT ARTHUR IS INDIGNANT.
“I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!”
OH MERLIN, ADORABLE MERLIN, SASSY-FACES BACK WITH “SEE? IT’S WORKING!” AND GIVES ARTHUR THE MOST ADORABLE FUCKING SMILE ON THE PLANET.
ARTHUR IS CLEARLY DAZZLED BY THIS SMILE AND CANNOT QUITE REMEMBER WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, HOWEVER, WHY MERLIN IS NOT ATTENDING TO HIS NOW ROCK-HARD ERECTION.
OMG THIS SHOW MAKES IT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EASYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
And then we cut to the lame attempt at lame romance or Merlin being infatuated with some girl or something, which I am totally not buying. WE ALL KNOW MERLIN IS AS GAY AS A RAINBOW COLOURED PAROTT, FFS, NO ONE IS BUYING THIS SHIT.
But yea, Merlin says he’s sorry he’s late, he was too busy attending to Arthur’s sausage. LOL.
Freya has evidently been crying, and Merlin somehow manages to NOT act like every other man in existence and pretend he can’t see the tears. He actually asks if something has upset her. Freya denies that something is wrong, and I cannot bring myself to hate her anymore. I honestly feel for her here, because I know exactly what it’s like to be crying your eyes out and feeling really uncomfortable when someone actually notices and then WON’T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE, even if you tell them it’s none of their business. Merlin, of course, like the douche he is, thinks it’s all about him. That Freya actually gives a crap if he would come back. I think it’s probably more the fact that she’s ALONE and being EYE RAPED by EVERYONE AROUND HER and the Bounty Hunter SELLING HER TO THE KING FOR MORE RAPING AND THEN BURNING, YOU IDIOT MERLIN. LIKE SHE GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU’RE A LITTLE BIT LATE. MY GOD, SERIOUSLY.
Freya is kind of adorable with her self-deprecating comments (“I scare most people away”), though Merlin tries to be cute right back with his “I’m not most people”. Well that’s clearly obvious, you Magical show off fool. Who else would risk his life for someone he JUST MET because she’s ~Magical~? Only Merlin, that’s for fucking sure.
Merlin pulls out some more candles from his jacket and places them in the nooks and crannies of this little hidey hole (TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK DIRTY HERE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF CANDLES ARE SYMBOLS IN THIS SHOW, GOD). To distract Freya from the fact that Merlin is trying for a ~romantic~ candle light atmosphere (DDDX NO SEX FOR YOU MERLIN, JUST - NO), he asks her how long her cage was locked up for (LOL shut up self). A few days apparently. Ouch, those bondage cuffs would have chaffed that shit up pretty bad, let me tell you.
~ANYWAY~
Freya mentions that you can’t always trust people (YEA MERLIN, YOU IDIOT. WHY HAVE YOU NOT LEARNT THIS LEASSON YET?) and they start talking about Merlin’s home - EALDOR! :DDDD YAY FOR EADLOR! Merlin looks so ridiculously adorable talking about how Ealdor is just some small village in the middle of nowhere, but of course you haven’t heard of it, not surprising since there’s just some cows there and it’s absolutely nothing special, since it’s in another county and all. *continues to look adorable*. GOD, JUST - FUCK. MERLIN, GET IN ME NOW.
Sadly Freya seems to be succumbing to Merlin’s adorable fucking face, because she opens up and tells him about her home. It makes her look so happy, smiling away all cheerful like, forgetting for that moment that she’s on the run. I really love her smile, and the actress does that nostalgic look rather well, methinks. Freya says that it was perfect, but she had to leave because her parents died and she’s been on her own ever since. Oh dear, that sucks.
BUT FUCKING MERLIN HAS TO GO AND RUIN THE MOMENT [FOR ME] AND SAY “YOU’RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE” AND “I’M GOING TO LOOK AFTER YOU”. OH SHUT UP MERLIN, YOU FOOL, YOU’VE KNOWN HER ALL OF 12 HOURS. SAY THAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU. I WILL SLAP YOUR STUPID ARSE, I SWEAR TO GOD.
THEY CONTINUE TO INSULT MY EYES AND MY INTELLIGENCE BY HAVING MERLIN SAY THAT HE HAS “NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER” AND TAKING HOLD OF HER HANDS. LIKE FUCKING SHIT YOU HAVE MERLIN, I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS CRAP. I CLEARLY REMEMBER YOU SAYING THIS ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE ... OH RIGHT, NIMUEH LAST SEASON, AND THEN LADY CATRINA JUST A FEW EPISODES AGO. OR DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM, YOU FILTHY, DIRTY MANWHORE?
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP MERLIN, NO ONE IS BUYING THIS CRAP. WE DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS FUCKERY.
I’m going to ignore the rest of that scene, which involves something to do with “them”, lots of hand-rape and Merlin referring to the pair of them like they are already a couple or some shit. Because if I pay much more attention, I’m going to burst a blood vessel, and that would not end well. Not even Merlin’s adorable smile is going to make it ok.
That night, while Merlin is smiling happily in his sleep, looking extra ravishable lying in his bed like that (RAWR, I DO WANT), we have a rather LOLWORTHY couple strolling down the street in the moonlight, trying to act all cute. *giggles at their giggles and flirting-ness* AHAHAHA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR SHOW, CUTTING FROM FREYA TO MERLIN AND THEN THE COUPLE. OH HOW YOU FAIL AT SUBTLEY, I SWEAR.
I have no idea why these two lovebirds thought it would be a good idea to go for a midnight stroll, especially with all the dangerous shit that could be lurking about. It’s the Darwin Awards, Camelot Version, and they are of course the first to be OM NOM NOM’ED by the Big Bad Unknown and Unseen Beast of this episode. Let’s just say I AM NOT SURPRISED.
Next morning, everyone is running to have a stickybeak at the nomed couple. LOL those extras, I do love them. We cut to Arthur and Gaius kneeling on the ground in front of said nomed couple, looking all broody and pensive. Gaius, who likes to be practical, says that it was some kind of wild animal. Since OBVIOUSLY those vicious things that attack yet leave no trail are CLEARLY wild animals. Arthur however, breaks out his Tracking Tack and apparently there aren’t any tracks from a bear or wolf. ~~ooOOOooooOOOoooOOOoo~~ THIS SOUNDS OMINOUS. BUT THEN. BUT THEN, OH IT GETS BETTER. THERE ARE PEOPLE PRINTS WALKING AWAY FROM THE BODIES. ~~OOOOoooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOO~~ MOAR OMINOUS SIGNS. \O/
Practical Uther is practical and for this episode seems to want to jump all over the MAGIC DID IT bandwagon, because he’s the one that points out what we already know - IT MUST BE MAGIC! :O
Which leads to Gaius doing research in his chambers, looking through one of his numerous Wildly Knowledgeable Texts. And what would you know it; he seems to have stumbled onto something! \o/ I see wings and I see moon and I see LIGHTENING. HO HO HO, COULD THIS BE THE BEAST? :O
Ok, I’ll stop now. I’m just being sarcastic because, you know. IT’S JUST SO EASY!
Anyway, cut to Freya (O I C WOT U DID THAR) being visited yet again by Merlin. Who has the most hilarious present in the history of forever, a GIANT LOAF OF BREAD.
COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING, MERLIN? O_o
As someone said in the reaction post - thankfully it wasn’t a baguette. Or I think I would have died. XDDD NOT HELPING THAT HE SAYS “THIS WILL BE THE BEST BREAD YOU EVER TASTED
YEA, JUST WHAT KIND OF BREAD ARE YOU REFERRING TOO MERLIN? IT HAD BETTER NOT BE THE ONE IN YOUR PANTS. DOWN BOY.
Freya, however, doesn’t find the humour in all of this, and is sulking in the torchlight. Merlin, the adorable douchehat, tells her that she can have ~ANYTHING~ she wants; he’ll Magic it for her. Yea, Magic it in your pants. Just for the lulz, Freya says ‘strawberries’ and Merlin seems kinda taken aback there. He’s all “wut? Strawberries? Wtf woman, I could bring you flowers! Flowers are much prettier than practical foodstuffs like strawberries! Geez!”
Methinks it was almost like a test, Freya asking the one thing that she didn’t think Merlin could bring her (which, granted, he couldn’t, seeing as how they didn’t exist in England before the 1800’s or something, LOL). I don’t know how to explain it, it just the feeling I got from that scene and her un ... cooperativeness? I dunno, it was weird. And Merlin jumps all over that challenge, Magic’ing up a storm. And by the way, why does this kid know so many useless spells? When is it ever practical to know a spell that creates roses? *barfs* Oh Merlin, you really just ... I don’t even know.
To be honest, I actually thought he summoned the strawberries the first time I watched it. It took me a few minutes to realise that the red thing he was holding WASN’T a strawberry, until Freya actually said “it’s not a strawberry”. And then I felt like an idiot, because THE SHOW FOOLED ME. DAMMIT, IT’S NOT ALLOWED TO FOOL *ME*! I PREDICT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR LAMEASS ATTEMPTS AT ESCAPING CORNINESS. BUT CRAP, I DIDN’T WITH THIS ONE.
*FAILS*
The rest of this all makes me barf and cringe and die a thousand times over. Freya’s “why are you so good to me?” *HURL* Merlin’s “I ... I ... I LIKE YOU” *BEATS HEAD AGAINST FLOOR* the Bounty Hunter and guards coming and almost but not quite finding them (because they are useless and hopeless) *CRIES* Freya clinging to Merlin and crying about the cage *IS PAINED* Merlin talking about how special Freya is *WRITHES IN AGONY* and finally Merlin crying while kissing Freya *DIES A THOUSAND PAINFUL DEATHS*
Just ... argh. NO. NO JULIAN JONES, JUST NO. I don’t even understand why Merlin was crying. Like I have said a thousand times before, clearly he hates this forced Het even more than we do.
I’m assuming Merlin got laid after that mouth rape, because next morning he’s humming dreadfully while walking in a circle (*LOL*) and then while sitting, eating and grinning. LOL Merlin’s so adorable, I want to squish him. ESPECIALLY when he’s all “I have to go out! Don’t wait up for me. I might be late” OMG MERLIN YOU ARE JUST SO FUCKING CUTE. GET IN MY PANTS, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
Merlin goes back down to visit Freya and we get to another bit that I really don’t like. Freya, smart girl, tells Merlin that he is acting like AN IDIOT and that he has to be CAREFUL, FOOL, but Merlin is “done with being careful” and that he wants to get the hell out of Camelot. OMG BITCH SAYS WHUT. Merlin is fed up with what? The exact thing that he signed up for? WTF Merlin, you douche, leaving Arthur and your destiny for this woman you’ve known for all of two days. JUST ... ARGGH. FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Not even Merlin’s adorable smiling face makes up for this fuckery. Or Freya’s, for that matter, because she’s looking rather adorable as they talk about fields and wild flowers and *VOMIT*.
Merlin steals into Morgana’s chambers because he is out to STEAL ONE OF HER DRESSES! OMG lets just ignore the fact that he’s ignore the fact he’s stealing it for Freya (WTF Merlin, why are you suddenly stealing everything? This is not a good thing - if this girl makes you do these bad things, YOUR LOVE IS NOT HEALTHY. GTFO NOW) BUT FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT MERLIN IS TRYING ON MORGANA’S DRESSES
*FLAILS*
HE’S EVEN HAVING HIS OWN MAYBELLINE MOMENT
Gwen busts Merlin’s arse and is all “wtf yo?” but Merlin’s all “IMMA EXPLAIN YA’LL.” But it takes him a second to think of a bad lie. XDDDDDD Oh Merlin, you crack me up so hardcore. Gwen is totally not buying your bullcrap, LOLing at you behind your back. BUT THEN OMG, MERLIN GETS ALL ~HUSH HUSH~ ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE IS A MOTH INFESTATION AND HE HAS TO BURN THE DRESS. ZOMFG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
“IF WE DON’T STOP [THE MOTHS], WE’LL ALL BE WALKING AROUND NAKED.”
L.M.F.A.O. CONSPIRATOR MERLIN IS CONSPIRATORIAL.
GWEN’S WTF FACE IS FUCKING PRICELESS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ZOMFG ANDTHEN MERLIN RUNS INTO ARTHUR. THEY HAVE HOT EYESEX.
ARTHUR IS TOTALLY JUDGING YOUR PENIS, MERLIN.
HE IS TOTALLY ONTO YOU MERLIN.
YOU CAN’T HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM, MERLIN.
GAIUS ARTHUR’S EYEBROW CALLS BULLSHIT ON YOUR LIE.
AND IS TOTALLY LOLING IN YOUR FACE, MERLIN.
ARTHUR SAYS CROSS DRESSING IS OK!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
“WHAT A MAN DOES IN HIS SPARE TIME IS ... COMPLETELY ... UP TO ... HIM.”
“THE COLOUR SUITS YOU MERLIN”
THAT DIDN’T SOUND GAY AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, ARTHUR.
CHECKING OUT MERLIN, COMMENTING ON WHICH COLOURS SUIT HIM. OMG, HOW GAY CAN YOU GET.
*DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
YOU TOTALLY KNOW THAT MEANS ARTHUR IS THINKING DIRTY THOUGHTS. AND THAT HE IS GOING TO HAVE MERLIN COME TO HIM AT NIGHT IN THAT DRESS AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO KINKY, NAUGHTY THINGS. IN MORGANA’S DRESS. AND PERHAPS MORGANA WILL EVEN JOIN IN.
ZOMFG, IT’S NOT EVEN FANFIC ANYMORE. THE SHOW WRITES IT INTO CANON. HOLY GOD, I CAN’T EVEN DEAL.
BEST. SCENE. EVER!!!
Christ almighty, I can barely even recover after that scene. Good thing next thing is totally blah and doesn’t really matter. Some useless redshirts Guards get attacked by the ~mysterious~ monster, and they scream like little girls. LOL, LIKE MERLIN ALL DRESSED UP. *still dying from lulz*
Bells sound next morning to tell everyone that ... people are dead? Huh. I guess this is a Ye Olde English thing, because I don’t get it. Whatever, Gaius is covering up the bodies and Arthur reports that somebody ... SAW SOMETHING. \O/ DUN DUN DUUUUUUN ... FEAR!
I mean, a giant cat. Phtt, you wouldn’t happen to mean a Grim would you there, Gaius? While you’re spouting your excuse of “I need more time to investigate”. Uther is totally over that shit (LOL AT THEIR COMBINED BITCHINESS. OH YOU TELL HIM GAIUS, UTHER 8DDDDDD) and demands an answer. Gaius is not budging, that Uther will just have to wait you little bitch, until Mummy has the right answer. Oh these two!! ♥
Merlin goes back to Freya with the dress, and Freya doesn’t even question where it comes from. LOGIC SAYS WOT. And Merlin compliments her or something, and Freya cries that she doesn’t deserve his love, or something. LAAAAAAAME. It gets even worse though, because Merlin says they’ll leave that night, run away so they can be together ~forever~ *yaks all over the carpet* oh please, spare me. I could have done without the goodbye kiss as well, thanks. T___T But Freya is scheming something, because get drops her cute grin face as soon as Merlin turns his back and AHAHA MERLIN, SHE’S GONNA LEAVE YOUR ARSE. LOOKS LIKE YOUR THE ONLY ONE FEELING ALL THAT ~LURVE~.
Merlin is packing up to run away when Gaius comes in to FINALLY knock some sense into this retard. Gaius says there was another attack, and that it seems to be the work of some kind of Human-Beast. You think he might be going somewhere with this information and ... WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW, FREYA IS CURSED. WELL HEY NOW.
I admit, I laughed so hard when Gaius said Freya was a “Bastet” because I thought he said “BASTARD”. And I actually thought that’s what it was *LOL* until I saw one of the comments saying that ... it wasn’t. :( boo.
Merlin lies to Gaius, saying that he did not release her. Gaius says the most heartbreaking line this episode: “there was a time when you thought twice before lying to me”. DDDDDD:
I understand Merlin is sulking up a storm in this conversation, but I really, REALLY want to beat him around the head with a bat for being all *woe* IT’S NOT FREYA. SHE’S JUST A GIRL. NO BEAST, NO! I am totally and completely on Gaius’s side this time (that’s a first; usually I’m less sympathetic, just understanding when it comes to Gaius). He definitely should go to Uther and let him know what is up. Hell, that’s his job and that’s what he should do - especially since Uther and Gaius seem to be staying on good terms [for now]. Merlin should shut the fuck up and man up, Freya is killing people and there is no way that can be justified. Thank god someone is thinking straight. Thank you Gaius.
Merlin runs down to where Freya is being kept, finds that she’s gone and is very put out. He sulks off in his room like the little bitch he is and Gaius comes in to explain himself. I don’t know why Gaius is explaining his reasoning’s to Merlin, he should see that it’s the right thing to do on his part. But Merlin completely misses the point and acts like a child, all whiny “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” Ugh, stfu Merlin, don’t try to find some fake or imaginary connection between you and Freya, because it doesn’t exist. For god’s sake.
In all of this, if Merlin was so bloody worried about his little princess, why didn’t he think of a way to UNCURSE her? You know, doing something practical, instead of crying like a little girl. I’m sure there would be a spell out there or a way to stop Freya from turning into a monster. But oh no, instead of trying to save Freya’s life - he’s so called “great love” - he goes off and sulks in his room. Real classy Merlin. Real classy.
Now, while that is going on, Freya is actually DOING something - trying to escape. Unfortunately she gets caught in all of five seconds, and runs herself into a corner. Arthur is leading his men like a good little General, and the Bounty Hunter is a creepy fuck with his “no one gets away from me” creepiness.
Time decides that this would be a nice time to strike midnight, and Freya starts changing into her Monster Bastet Self. I kind of lawl at her manly screams, even if that is rather nasty to laugh at someone in so much pain. *sings* Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place to beeeeeeee~!
Erm, anyway. The Beeb has some rather impressive CGI going on this week - Monster!Freya looks kinda ... CatDog like with wings. And she’s all ferocious with her roaring and her teeth. The Bounty Hunter is definitely shitting his pants over there by Arthur and his useless Knights. To get revenge or payback for locking her up, Freya first attacks the Bounty Hunter and rips him a new one - literally. This gives Arthur enough time to stab her in the shoulder, and for his Knights to run scared. God, such USELESS people they are.
Injured Freya hobbles over to the middle of the courtyard, to be conveniently placed in the centre of the moonlight, where we can all see her. Useless Knights coming running in to attack, now that the Big Scary Beast is all nice and handicapped, the fucking bastards. They surround Freya, who is all “~!RAWR!~” until she sees Merlin lurking around in the background, behind the Useless Knights. Arthur the Hero comes running in, and Merlin is looking rather desperate here. I expect him to be rather conflicted - his new girlfriend or his long-time lover? Whoever should he chose?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE CHOSE FREYA? AND TRIED TO FUCKING KILL ARTHUR IN THE PROCESS? WHAT ABOUT YOUR DESTINY AND PROTECTING ARTHUR, YOU DUMB SHIT. OH MY WORD, THIS FUCKERY JUST GOT TOO MUCH.
Right, so that was stupid. And the bloody dumb Bastet could have flown away BEFORE it was surrounded, when there was nobody in the freakin’ courtyard. Oh but wait, then we wouldn’t have tension and Merlin potentially killing Arthur. I CALL BULLSHIT ON YOUR DUMB CHOICES, JULIAN JONES. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS CRAP. FUCK YOU, AND YOUR FUCKING EXCUSES.
No one seems to notice Merlin running off to their underground hideaway. He finds Monster!Freya and pets her head, totally not bothered by the fact that she just ate someone. It’s all rather cute and TOTALLY TURNING MY MIND TO THE BEASTALITY STUFF. LIKE OMG, WE ARE NOT MEANT TO GO THERE PEOPLE. Sadly my mind has been infected by Harry Potter fandom, and I’m not quite as squicked out as everyone else seems to be. Hell, I want to cuddle Monster!Freya myself, she looks really snugly.
BUT STILL, NO SEX FOR YOU MERLIN. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH A CAT MONSTER. JUST, NO.
Monster!Freya changes back into a human and she’s all ~naked~. LOL you pervert Merlin. Don’t you go raping her now, while she’s all vulnerable! But this kind of makes me wonder, what happened to her clothes the last two nights? Did she take them off before she transformed, so that she would have something to change back into after? Because surely SOMEONE would have noticed a naked girl running through the street? Or is this just a plot hole/unanswerable question that I should just not put the time and effort into worrying about?
So yea, Freya’s crying that she’s SUCH A MONSTER! *WOE* but Merlin says she’s not. Yea, whatever Merlin, all evidence is to the contrary. Apparently Freya is dying now though, even though she was only stabbed in the shoulder. PEOPLE DO NOT DIE FROM SHOULDER WOUNDS, UNLESS THEIR BLOOD DON’T CLOT AND THEY JUST BLEED OUT. THEREFORE, USE YOUR FRIGGIN’ JACKET FOR USEFUL THINGS, LIKE TRYING TO STOP THE BLEEDING. OMG, SO FUCKING USELESS MERLIN. NO WONDER YOUR GIRLFRIEND DIES.
NO SYMPATHY, WHATSOEVER.
We find out that Freya wasn’t always like this - that some man attacked her and she killed him. \o/ But his mother was a sorceress and she cursed Freya to kill forevermore, so she turned her into a Bastet? How the fuck would she even know what that was, Egypt is but a blip on no one’s radar, especially not in England. BUT WHATEVER, SHOW KNOWS NO LOGIC. Merlin promises to make her better, but apparently the wounds’ too deep. Whatever show, if you say so. I still call bullshit though.
Merlin carries Freya to the Lake, presumably the one he threw Excalibur into, for her final resting place. Oh how cute, he remembered. What I want to know is how he got out of the Castle, because I’m ready to bet there are at least three hundred Knights ready to come down on Freya’s arse. And if Merlin can give them all the slip so easily, why the hell didn’t he do that before? But oh, wait. That’s right, thinking again. Must stop doing that.
It’s raining as they say their goodbyes, and I am able to be distracted by the water dripping down Colin’s wonderful face. UNF, wet Merlin, I approve.
Merlin cries and DAMMIT, that boy does tears so well. Freya dies, finally, but not before swearing that she will repay him, one day. Oh yay, so this is where the ‘Lady of the Lake’ part comes into it. Wow Colin, way to give away all the secrets. It’s all meant to be rather tragic, if the soundtrack is anything to go by, but fucked if I can care.
Freya gets put on bed of leaves in a Magically appearing boat and Merlin Magic’s her out to the middle of the Lake.
My heart did kind of ache for Merlin in that second that he hesitated, before lighting Freya up. And that he couldn’t look at her while he said the incantation. Though when the flames actually did start burning, I was like WUUUUUUUUUUT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE’S BURNING HER? ISN’T SHE MEANT TO BE THE LADY OF THE LAKE? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE IN FLAMES THEN, DOESN’T SHE NEED TO BE TIED TO THE LAKE SOMEHOW? I was under the impression that he was just going to Magic up a Fountain or something, and she’d be swallowed up by the Lake. But that makes too much sense, or something. And I guess torching was the way things were done, back in the day.
So, ding dong, the witch is dead. BWAHAHA.
Merlin returns home, Gaius is thankful that Merlin is safe, Merlin confides that Freya is dead and woe be him. Thank fucking Christ this week we have Merlin being comforted by Gaius, all sad and mopey. THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN LAST WEEK, HOWARD. TAKE FUCKING NOTE. It breaks my heart in all sorts of ways that the rest of the episode didn’t, and I really do love those two. Gaius/Merlin for the win, guys.
Next we have morose Merlin scrubbing shoes, and we find out he has a lot more still to do. But he doesn’t seem at all bothered by it, probably happy for the chance to brood emoly while doing menial chores. Arthur comes in, but before Arthur can beat Merlin to the punch, Merlin says in this really heart wrenching, soul destroying way that Arthur is only going to ask him to “polish your armour, and to wash your clothes and clean your room”. Oh my god, I don’t know how Colin does it, but fuck that boy just kills me.
Heartbroken Merlin is Heartbreaking.
Arthur decides to be sensitive and his gaydar picks up on the fact that his lover is rather upset, so he SITS DOWN BESIDE MERLIN. ON THE GROUND.
DEFINITELY CHECKING MERLIN OUT HERE. OH YES, I C U.
THEN ARTHUR DOES THIS FUCKING ADORABLE, RIDICULOUS THING WITH HIS MOUTH.
FUCK BRADLEY JAMES, WHY ARE WE NOT HAVING SEX ALREADY. GET IN ME, NOW.
AND ARTHUR KNOWS THAT SOMETHING’S BEEN UPSETTING HIS BB. AWWWWWWW, WAY TO CARE ARTHUR. *WIBBLES*
AND HE THINKS IT’S HIS FAULT, WHEN HE THREW WATER ON MERLIN LIKE A DOUCHE.
MERLIN KIND OF SMILES ADORABLY, AND SAYS THAT IT WASN’T VERY NICE.
ARTHUR SAID THAT IT WAS “A BIT UNFAIR”. OMG GUYS, GEI MOMENT OVERLOAD!!
BUT THE GEI KEEPS COMING.
ARTHUR WAS INSULTED WHEN MERLIN CALLED HIM ‘FAT’. OMG, ARTHUR’S MANFEELINGS WERE HURT, AND HE IS TALKING TO MERLIN ABOUT SAID HURT MANFEELINGS.
I CAN’T EVEN DEAL, ARTHUR’S INSULTED FACE IS PRICELESS.
MERLIN DOESN’T THINK WHAT HE SAID WAS UNFAIR. ZOMG, HE EVEN SAYS IT WITH A PLAYFUL SMILE. WAY TO BE HARSH MERLIN.
ARTHUR IS NOT AMUSED BY YOUR INSULTS, MERLIN.
SO HE GRABS MERLIN IN A HEADLOCK. OMG, AS IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING GAYER.
ARTHUR IS HAVING MORE FUN THAN MERLIN. CLEARLY HE IS ON TOP IN THIS HEAD GAYLOCK.
JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY, THE UST IS BREAKING MY GAYDAR. FFS.
THEY BREAK APART AND ARTHUR IS EVEN LOOKING AT MERLIN WITH THE MOST ADORABLE BESOTTED LOOK ON THE FUCKING PLANET.
IF ARTHUR/BRADLEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT, I WOULD FUCK HIM INTO THE FLOOR. RIGHT THEN AND THERE. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, MERLIN???
MERLIN IS CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT IT.
ARTHUR ASKS IF MERLIN’S MANFEELINGS ARE BETTER, AND THEY HAVE AN EVEN GAYER GEI MOMENT OVERLOAD, OF CUTENESS AND FUZZY FEELINGS AND CHEESY MUSIC.
OMG, MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED, IT CAN’T EVEN DEAL.
BUT IT DID HEAR ARTHUR USE THE CODE WORDS “POLISH MY ARMOUR”.
*DEEEEEEEED*
DID NOT EVEN MIND THAT IT ENDED ON A HALF-SMILE. BECAUSE IT WAS HALF-SMILE FILLED WITH SUCH LOVE FOR ARTHUR. OMG, THOSE TWO ARE SO FUCKING IN LOVE, IT CONQUERS EVERYTHING. INCLUDING BAD HETEROSEXUAL SUBPLOTS AND THE WRITER ATTEMPTING TO BREAK THEM UP.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
I CAN’T EVEN.
ARTHUR/MERLIN IS FOREVER, YOU CAN’T EVEN DENY.
I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK. OMG, IT IS GOING TO BE AWESOMESTEW WITH ADDED AWESOMESAUCE SERVED UP ON A PLATE OF AWESOME.
ARTHUR IS ALL “MY JOB IS TO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo~”
HE HOLDS A ROSE IN HIS MOUTH AND CLIMBS UP THE CASTLE WALLS
THEN FALLS UNGAINLY IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.
LOOKING COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, I MIGHT ADD.
LOOOOOOOOOOLING FOREVER~!!!!!!!!!!
MAKING OUT ON THE BED WITH SOPHIA #2 VIVIAN.
I WOULD HIT THE BOTH OF THEM. THEY ARE EXTREMELY HOT, EVEN TOGETHER.
MERLIN IS GOING TO BURST IN ON THEM AND GET ALL SAD THAT ARTHUR IS CHEATING ON HIM AGAIN. XDDDDDD
LOL GWEN IS EVEN THERE, PRETENDING TO GIVE A CRAP THAT ARTHUR IS “ENCHANTED WITH LADY VIVIAN”. AHAHAHAHAHA, THAT SHIT IS GONNA BE SO PATHETICALLY STUPID, I CAN’T WAIT. THOUGHT YOU ONLY LOVED LANCELOT, GWEN? WHAT HAPPENED?
ARTHUR ACTING SUPREMELY UNCONCERNED THAT HIS VIVIAN-LOVE COULD BRING WAR.
LOL AT HIS FACE.
OMFG, I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT. THIS SHIT WILL BE EPIC.
I apologise for this taking so long to be put up. Sadly I couldn’t even start working on it until 20 odd hours AFTER I had seen the episode, and then I could only work on it sporadically after that. D: Apparently it is not polite to just sit on your computer for 10 odd hours, which is how long this took me, when you are a guest in someone’s home. >_________>;
And then I got to Brisbane, and Kate had Supernatural, and trying to stop me from watching that is like trying to stop a house fire by pouring fuel on the flames. So ... yea.
Having said that, I'm so glad I did. The reaction posts in merlinxarthur always make it worthwhile, and the fact that this show can never make Heterosexuality work, made this episode pure gold in terms of Merlin/Arthur shipping love. Plot left a lot to be desired, but I guess my expectations were so low that just getting the Arthur/Merlin was enough to keep me happy. XDD;
This week’s Merlin was written by Julian Jones, the one and only that I actually managed to get an interview with. Oh dear. That kind of … saddens me, because I liked him well enough before but after this week’s episode I’m kind of thinking “WTF were you thinking, Julian??” My god, I just don’t know anymore.
I’m probably going to sound really nasty when referring to Freya, but I assure everyone it’s just for shits and giggles. And I’m super jealous that she gets to be kissing Colin Morgan, when I would give my soul to be able to jump his bones. ^-^;
To begin this episode, we have a cart rolling up in the rain, lighting flashing and thunder booming. This is all rather reminiscent of ‘The Witchfinder’ episode, and my first thought is LOL WE CAN USE DIFFERENT SHOTS YOU KNOW, DIRECTORS. DOESN’T ALWAYS HAVE TO STEREOTYPICALLY LOLIROUS. And apparently this Bounty Hunter doesn’t like the rain, because he scowls up at the sky, like that’s going to do anything. Just in case we didn’t realise he was the Big Bad Evil Guy this episode, he goes up to the back of the cage, holding Freya, and goes GRRR RAWR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR right in her face. LOL BBC, WHY SO ANGRY. Freya shits three kinds of bricks and cringes in the corner, inwardly crying like the little emo child she is. *pets emo child*
Gaius and Merlin are in a plot convenience house, tending to a plot convenience ill patient, which is crap because Gaius is meant to be COURT PHYSICAN. NOT TOWN PHYSICAN. WTF WRITER, JUST, OMG. SO STUPID, MY BRAIN CAN’T EVEN. They even have to pass the “The Rising Sun” pub, which I find amusing because someone was like “hey, what would you know it, they do drink in Camelot!” meaning of course, Merlin is trying to save the little kiddies from thinking about their drunken parents going to the Bad Drink Place, so they never mention a pub or bar in the whole show. Unless it’s to watch people eat. But we’ll get to that later.
Merlin is walking along behind Gaius, like a good little assistant, when Freya sudden jumps up, all over those bars basically screaming “BITCH HELP ME”, but she doesn’t because she doesn’t seem to be able to talk. (WOOT, keep it that way bitch) Merlin is plot-conveniently clueless, and Gaius has to explain “OK, WELL, YOU SEE THIS CAGE? CLEARLY SHE HAS BEEN CAPTURED. MOST PROBABLY BY THE BIG BAD EVIL GUY. ALSO CALLED A BOUNTY HUNTER, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE SHOW DESCRIPTION SAID. MMMKAY?”
“She’s just a girl” “she’ll still fetch a good price though” OMG PLEASE TELL ME I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT THOUGHT DIRTY THOUGHTS. SPECIFICALLY, THAT UTHER WAS BUYING HIMSELF AN IN-COURT PROSISTUTE. CAN YOU SERIOUSLY BLAME ME, WITH WORDING LIKE THAT? COME THE FUCK ON.
Merlin is indignant about this fuckery, because OMG WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE’S GOING TO BE HELD AGAINST HER WILL? WE HAVE TO DOOOOOOO SOMETHING GAIUSSSSSSS! DDDDDD: oh, and because she has Magic. Phtt, but who cares about that. Thankfully Gaius has some sense and is like “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT, STUPID. DON’T YOU REMEMBER TWO EPISODES AGO, WHEN YOU ALMOST GOT YOURSELF, MORGANA AND I KILLED FROM YOUR STUPID MAGIC-RELATED TENDANCIES? JUST, LEAVE IT ALONE, MERLIN”. But oh no, Merlin couldn’t possibly take Gaius’s advice, his brain is already working the rust off those clogs.
DON’T DO IT MERLIN, WHAT WOULD ARTHUR SAY IF HE KNEW YOU WERE THINKING IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIM?
Clearly the Magical girl is thinking along the same lines as me, and is utterly terrified of Merlin.
THAT FACE MEANS SHE IS TOTALLY THINKING MERLIN IS ABOUT TO RAPE HER. JUST GTFO MERLIN AND LEAVE HER ALONE, BEFORE YOU GO VIOLATING THIS POOR YOUNG WOMAN. I SEE YOUR SLUT HANGING OUT THERE. SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE IT LIKE ME LIKE ARTHUR. OR MORGANA. OR EVEN GWEN, HELL, I BET THEIR NOT PICKY.
After the credits we have Sneaky Merlin Suspiciously Sneaking out of the house again, in the dead of night. LOL MERLIN, THIS IS WHY WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH ARTHUR. BECAUSE YOU GO HOME WITH GAIUS, ONLY TO HAVE TO SNEAK OUT AGAIN ONCE HE’S ASLEEP FOR SEXING TIMES. WHY DON’T YOU JUST LIVE IN THE ADJORNING ANTICHAMBER, LIKE YOU WERE IN THE FIRST EPISODE. THE FANGIRLS WOULD BE HAPPIER FOR IT.
Ahem, anyway. I find it kind of amusing that Merlin didn’t have to knock anything over like the clumsy git he is this time for Gaius to snort and toss about in bed. LOL YES, YOU FAIL AT STEALTH MERLIN. That much is obvious in the next shot, where we see Merlin sneaking along RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MOONLIGHT, LIKE THE FAILING FAILURE OF A SNEAK HE IS so he can look into the Rising Sun pub and can spy on the Bounty Hunter noming like a stereotypical disgusting pig on some suspiciously raw looking meet, since that’s clearly how all Big Bad people act. Yes, I am referring to the men in 2x04 that felt the need to eat raw meat and drink like they couldn’t find their mouths, just to make the point that THEY WERE NOT THE GOOD GUYS.
*headdesk*
Merlin, the raping fool, goes right up to the girls cage and barges in like no body’s business. Yes, cage is totally a euphemism in this episode for ‘vagina’. Just you wait and see. So he Magic’s his wand inside her cage and says the safety word to Magic off the bondage handcuffs that are tying up her cage. Clearly they both just came in their pants so Merlin takes Freya’s hand and they ditch that rather exposed, straw covered cage, as they aren’t quite the Exhibitionist we thought they were. Merlin lurks behind her cage to hide from the icky Voyeuristic Bounty Hunter, who can only have one thing on his mind after such a hearty meal. You can almost hear him yelling IT’S RAPING TIME as he walks up to Freya’s cage.
Unfortunately for him, the cage is bare and he is not at all happy. I wanted to laugh here so hard, because you can see him totally wanting to scream “WHO STOLE MY PROSISTUTE, BITCH? IF I DON’T GET HER BACK RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, IMMA FUCK YOU UP!” Though I don’t think it would have bothered Merlin too much, he’s too busy being excited about hiding around Freya’s cage and thinking of all the raping he’s going to be doing later. Just to show the Rapist Bounty Hunter who is Head Rapist, he does his signature Magic trick and drops “The Rising Sun” sign on his head. LOL SUCH A BASTARD, MERLIN. Although this time it doesn’t seem to knock out Mr Bounty Hunter, so I’m rather impressed. And kind of liking this evil guy, because he’s the only one so far not to flail about like a retard the second something goes wrong. Unlike Merlin, of course, who panics like a motherfuck when he almost runs into the Guards on patrol, and scurries off to some rather convenient placed underground passage nearby.
Ok, I realise that I shouldn’t be making rape jokes, because rape is not funny. BUT COME ON, MERLIN IS TOTALLY NOT LISTENING TO FREYA AND WHAT SHE WANTS. SHE TELLS HIM A HUNDRED TIMES TO LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE, BUT DOES HE? NO. IT’S A WOMAN’S CHOICE MERLIN, AND IF SHE TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF, SHE WANTS YOU TO FUCK. OFF.
Alright, back to the episode. Merlin sticks Freya in a rather exposed hidey hole under the city, which would be in plain view of anyone smart enough to check down there. But of course, everyone in Camelot is stupid, so Freya backs right the fuck away from this crazy Magic using Hunkmaster, and they never mention the obvious question of “SO WHAT NOW”. Freya does ask the question however, “why did you help me” because clearly everyone else is thinking the same thing. Instead of answering “because I’m an idiot and I like to rescue Magic people with my Magical abilities, because it makes me feel less inadequate that I’m not pleasing my boyfriend”, he does this rather heart wrenching stuttering thing and says “it could have been me”. OH MERLIN. YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU LOOK RIDICULOUSLY RAVISHABLE IN THAT TORCH LIGHT OR I WOULD QUESTION YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS. YET AGAIN.
Merlin finishes up with saying that Freya will be safe down in the dark, creepy passages under Camelot (logic says LOLWUT) and that he’ll come back in the morning with food and candles so he can get his freak on in the candlelight. Because you know Merlin likes it like that. HE EVEN SMILES CREEPILY AT HER. OH NO YOU DIN’T MERLIN, GET YOUR EYES OFF HER CLEAVAGE. NOT EVEN FREYA LIKES THE HUSKY SEX VOICE YOU USE TO SAY HER NAME. I SEE YOUR EYES WANDERING THERE, YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME.
However, he does give her his jacket to cover up her bare shoulders. Freya feels slightly less violated when Merlin is unable to keep looking at her like he’d like to lick her all over, but thanks him nonetheless as he goes to leave. Aww, such a nice girl, BOUT TIME YOU REMEMBERED YOUR MANNERS. SRSLY, WTF. THIS MAGIC GUY CLEARLY JUST BUSTED YOUR ARSE OUTTA JAIL, AND YOUR TOO BUSY BEING ALL “WTF DID YOU SAVE ME FOR, DUMBASS” *facepalm*. Although I’ll forgive her, Merlin was looking at her rather predatorily the whole time. I’m guessing he’s not getting any from Arthur, so he has to find a substitute from somewhere, and this whore will have to do.
Next morning Merlin’s all “IMMA GET LAID TODAY” with this big grin on his face as he tries to find something edible to take down to Freya to woo her with. Sadly he can only come up with some bread and a shrivelled fruit that looks suspiciously like a pickled testicle, which would be a rather unfortunate gift for the girl he’s trying to rape woo.
So instead he comes up with the brilliant idea to steal food from Arthur. And by brilliant I mean brainless. It does mean we are treated to some rather nice bicep!porn from Arthur, who is lying in bed with his mouth enticingly open moaning Merlin’s name.
Merlin dumps the plate of meats, cheese and bread into a napkin and stuffs it down his pants or something, before replacing it with the rather sad looking bread and apple (what happened to the pickled testicle?). Arthur is clearly not a morning person, judging by the “UUUUUGH, WTF” face he has upon Merlin shining the light in his eyes.
Clearly he is used to being woken in a much more satisfactory way ... like with his cock in Merlin’s mouth. I’M JUST SAYIN’. He even confirms it with his next sentence when he says “OI, where’s the meat????”
Erm, right, head out of gutter to jump into LOLIRIOUS LOLING MOMENT OF LULZ, when Merlin implies that Arthur is fat. AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Merlin: “we have to keep you in shape”
Arthur: “I AM FIGHTING FIT!!! DDD:<” /=*IS NOT HAPPY*
Merlin: *completely insensitive* “we have to keep it that way”
Arthur: RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! *THROWS FOOD IN DISPLEASURE*
AND THEN, AND THEN, AND ZOMG THEN ARTHUR ASKS “IS THERE SOMEWHERE YOU HAVE TO BE?” AND MERLIN ACTS LIKE A TOTAL PUSSY-WHIPPED LITTLE BITCH, INSTANTLY JUMPING ON THE “OH NO SIRE, OF COURSE I CAN STAY TO PLEASURE YOU FURTHER” AND ARTHUR SAYS THE MAGIC WORDS. HE HAS “CHORES” FOR MERLIN. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
SEXING TIEMZ!!!!!
AND OMG I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. THE NEXT SHOT HAS MERLIN OBVIOUSLY SLIGHTLY DISHEVELLED, HALF HIS CLOTHING MISSING, AND POURING A BATH FOR ARTHUR SO HE CAN CLEAN HIMSELF AFTER SAID SEXING TIMES. LIKE OMG, SHOW, KEEP IT BETWEEN THE SHEETS. THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS NECKERCHEIF, HMM? AND HIS JACKET, HMM?? OH YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME, SEX SCENES, I SEE YOU.
ARTHUR TELLS MERLIN HE’D BETTER MAKE SURE HIS BATH IS HOT ENOUGH, HE’LL BE NEEDING IT AFTER THAT RATHER BENDY, MAGICAL SEX THEY JUST HAD. MERLIN REALISES HOW MUCH HE FAILS AS A SERVANT AND HAS TO MAGIC THE WATER HOTTER, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PLEASE HIS LOVER. BUT LOLOLOLOLOLOL OH NO, MERLIN INSTEAD BOILS THE WATER TILL IT’S BUBBLING OVER LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA
MERLIN, YOU FAIL SO HARD AS A MANSERVANT. XDDDDDDD
THAT STEAM ROLLING OFF THE TOP ISN’T FOOLING ANYONE. EXCEPT ARTHUR, CAUSE HE’S SILLY AND HIS MIND IS STILL ON THE VERY SATISFYING SEX HE JUST HAD.
ARTHUR WALKS OUT IN A TOWEL. MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED, IT CANNOT POSSIBLY DEAL.
OH SHUT UP, YOU TOTALLY WERE TOO.
WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO SEE UP THAT SPILT.
MERLIN IS CLEARLY DRAWN TO THAT BARE LEG ALSO. DON’T BLAME YOU MATE.
MERLIN YOU LUCKY, LUCKY BASTARD.
SPEAKING OF TOWELS, WHY IS ARTHUR EVEN WEARING ONE? SURELY ARTHUR, WHO HAS TO BE DRESSED BY MERLIN, WOULD NOT BE SHY ABOUT STRUTTING AROUND NAKED IN FRONT OF HIM? I KNOW I’VE READ A FIC LIKE THIS ONCE.
THEIR HAVING SEX FOR FUCKS SAKE, SURELY YOU DON’T NEED A TOWEL TO WALK OVER TO THE BATH.
MERLIN WOULD ENJOY THE VIEW. AS WOULD THE REST OF US ALSO WOULD, SO WHY ROB US OF EVEN MOAR NAKED ARTHUR? SO CRUEL BBC, SO CRUEL.
ARTHUR ACCUSES MERLIN OF BEING HALF ASLEEP, AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS “LOL, MORE LIKE HE HAS SEX ON THE BRAIN.”
MERLIN SAYS HE’LL GET ARTHUR SOME COLD WATER TO CALM HIS SEX-CRAVING SELF, BUT INSTEAD ARTHUR THROWS WATER ON MERLIN INSTEAD.
ALGKKJAGJALKJA;KLJGA;JGAJKGA
ZOMG MORE WET MERLIN. RAWR, YES PLEASE.
CLEARLY ARTHUR LIKES HIS MANSERVANT WET AND READY TO GO.
EVEN MERLIN ENJOYS IT.
SEE WHAT I MEAN??
Now we move on to a not-so-capslock-spastic scene in which the Bounty Hunter is slightly intelligent, Gaius and Uther are acting like the perfect domestic couple and the Druid girl is referred to as a sexual gift. I CAN’T HELP IT OK, THESE PEOPLE ARE PUTTING IDEAS INTO MY HEAD. JUST CHECK OUT THE CONVERSATION :-
Uther: You come bearing gifts?
Bounty Hunter: Yes, sire. A Druid girl. But she escaped last night.
Uther: Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her.
DGJJALFKJA;LKGJA;LKJFLKAJ
JUST HOLY FUCKING GOD. UTHER SAYS FREYA = PROSTITUTE, Y/Y?
But the Bounty Hunter warns Uther that Freya is rather dangerous in the sack, that she is cursed with a devilish tongueand that someone probably stole her for that awfully tight cage. LOL this whole conversation makes me roll about the floor. The Bounty Hunter and Gaius are taking this threat very seriously, whereas Uther is just like “meh, bring her to my chambers when you find her” AHAHAHAHAHAHA TOO CONCERNED YOU SOUND UTHER. XDD
Gaius and Uther acting the perfect married couple:
WHY ARE THEY NOT HAVING SEX ALREADY??
Though apparently the Druids were frightened of her, and turned her in, even though it’s in their nature to help someone in need of care. Which I suppose is true, since in 2x03, Morgana was well cared for when she was staying at the Druid Camp. But this is clearly showing just how BADASS Freya is, with her ~unknown~ evilness and all - not even the Druids want a part of it. But the Bounty Hunter thinks someone is harbouring her, so they should search the lower town, because he saw two figures running that way. My, oh my, this guy is half way intelligent. I’m impressed!
The Bounty Hunter is given permission to do what he will with the people of Camelot, and goes out to perform a search of all the townspeople. This apparently means that they have to line up while Mr Bounty Hunter judges their penis whether or not he thinks they are harbouring the girl. So a bunch of women are being manhandled because no one has respect for women in these times, and then we have MERLIN. LOL THIS SHOW, I SWEAR TO GOD, IS JUST *TRYING* TO MAKE ME THINK MERLIN IS A WOMAN IN DISGUISE OR SOMETHING. OBVIOUSLY ARTHUR IS THE ‘MAN’ IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, WITH HOW MANY TIMES MERLIN IS IMPLIED TO BE A GIRL. YES, I AM THINKING UNICORNS HERE.
Merlin is let through unsuspectingly ... almost! THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS SUSPICIOUS OF YOU MERLIN. O__________o EVEN THE SOUNDTRACK IS, YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT. YOU’RE NOT HELPING BY LOOKING INCREDIBLY GUILTY.
He does escape however, and goes down to the dark passage where Freya is sleeping. OMG YOU CREEPSTER, SHE IS SLEEPING, LEAVE HER ALONE. STOP WATCHING HER LIKE A CREEPY OLD MAN, GOD. MY OVARIES DO NOT APPROVE. HE EVEN REACHES OUT TO TOUCH HER. DDDDDDDD:< FREYA DOES NOT WANT THIS ARM RAPE!
So thankfully Freya wakes up (albeit, scared out of her wits. Hell, if I woke up with a strange, creepy man leering at me and stroking MY arm, I would be too. Then I’d notice it was Colin Morgan and then ... well) and Merlin says he’s sorry and gives Freya an offering of food to make up for the arm rape.
I kind of like this poor girl, I can’t help it. The way she shovels the food in her mouth like she’s a savage (LOL) is well acted, and it’s not her fault if Merlin is retarded. Poor thing is copping so much hate when she’s clearly the victim here. Hell, even from me, I’ll admit. She’s clearly terrified of Merlin and wants nothing to do with him the whole episode (until near the end), so I’m going to give her benefit of the doubt and just give Merlin a good kick in the arse.
ESPECIALLY SINCE THE NEXT THING HE SAYS IS THAT THE FOOD IS “FIT FOR A PRINCE” - YEA, CAUSE YOU STOLE IT FROM YOUR LOVER, YOU COMPLETE ARSE. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU MERLIN, STEALING FROM YOUR LOVER TO GIVE TO THIS NOBODY GIRL? HUH? HUH? JUST TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, I DARE YOU.
AS IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, SUICIDALLY STUPID MERLIN JUST GOES AND ~MAGICS~ THE CANDLES HE BROUGHT WITH HIS SPECIAL MAGICAL SKILLZ, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS BITCH HE’S KNOWN FOR ALL OF THREE SECONDS. LIKE SRSLY MERLIN, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD? HAVE WE NOT LEARNT BY NOW THAT MOST MAGICAL PEOPLE ARE *NOT* YOUR FRIEND? GEEZ, KEEP USING MAGIC WILLY-NILLY LIKE THAT AND YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF ON THE EXECUTIONERS BLOCK.
Merlin seems to expect the girl to be impressed? IDK, but she kind of nods at him, no doubt falling for his cuteness. Hell, I doubt anyone could resist Merlin’s adorable face for long. She still doesn’t speak much to him, despite Merlin’s attempts to pick her up converse with her. Freya even calls Merlin out on his bullshit, asking why the fuck is he asking HER questions? I have to wonder the same thing, because we all KNOW Merlin knows that symbol is a Druid Symbol, we saw it in season 1 with Mordred, you fucking stupid writer. STOP MAKING MERLIN SOUND LIKE A COMPLETELY IDIOT ALREADY. I DON’T LIKE IT.
They bond over the fact that they have to keep secrets, or some shit that is about as believable as a horse tap-dancing. Merlin dismisses Gaius’s knowledge of his Magic like it’s nothing saying “BUT HE DOESN’T UNDERTAAAAAAAAAND ME~ *EMOS*” and I’m about to slap that adorable smile off his face. Freya is clearly thinking its Merlin who doesn’t understand, because he doesn’t believe her when she says she’s cursed. I kind of giggle at Merlins “NO, MAGIC IS A GOOD THING. DON’T SAY YOU’RE CURSED, MAGIC IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. LIKE SEX” with his adorkable smile and voice all breathy like that. Rawr, break me off a piece of that.
But then he realises that Freya doesn’t believe a word he’s saying, or she’s rather unimpressed by his attempts to pick her up, or something, so he decides to show off. Merlin does this by Magic’ing the flames off the candles, so that they hang in midair. LOL HE LOOKS SO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. OH MERLIN, YOU ARE JUST SO ADORABLE.
Freya is distracted by the puuuuuuuuurdy lights and gives Merlin this adorable grin that actually makes her look really cute.
TELL ME YOU WOULD NOT HIT THAT, ONCE SHE HAD A SHOWER. I DARE YOU.
MERLIN IS CLEARLY THINKING ALONG THE SAME LINES. HIS FACE BETRAYS THE PERVERTED, RAPING THOUGHTS HE HAS, THE FILTY WHORE.
Because Merlin knows if he stays he will rape her be missing out on hot chain mail sex with Arthur (WHO WOULD KNOW THAT HE IS MISSING. OMG GEI SUBTEXT SAYS SEX), he has to leave. But the filthy whore says he’ll be back for sexing tiemz with more food, which I suspect is a euphemism. Thankfully we see Merlin leave, and my over-sexed brain doesn’t have to think of all the things that could be happening off camera. D:
Merlin returns to Gaius’s chambers, and he’s barely even through the door before Gaius is all “WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER?????? I SUSPECT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SUSPICIOUS” except not quite, because Gaius is subtle like that. Merlin doesn’t even try to act the least bit concerned that she escaped, which just fuels Gaius’s suspicions. He asks Merlin if he knows where the girl is, and Merlin LIES to his FACE like the LYING LIAR HE IS. Gaius’s Eyebrow does not approve, and can totally see through your bullshit lie, Merlin.
But Merlin knows just what to do, and breaks out his puppy dog eyes. HE KNOWS NO ONE CAN RESIST THEM.
Gaius cannot resist them, and just issues a disguised threat to Merlin instead - that he’s head is basically going to be forcibly removed from his shoulders should he be LYING.
BUT WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THAT NOW BECAUSE WE GO STRAIGHT INTO THE MOST EPICALLY AWESOME SCENE OF EUPHEMISTIC AWESOMESAUCE
ARTHUR IS EATING A CHICKEN LEG. WITH HIS FINGERS. EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A KNIFE AND ANOTHER KNIFE BESIDE HIS PLATE. LOLOLOLOL WHY DO YOU NEED TWO KNIVES ARTHUR, COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING?
WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO BE THAT DRUMSTICK.
YOU TOTALLY KNOW THAT’S HOW HE MUNCHES INTO MERLIN’S NECK AT NIGHT. OH YES YOU DO.
MERLIN COMES OVER TO ASK IF HE WOULD LIKE SOME SEX WATER WITH THAT LEG, TO WHICH ARTHUR IS “OOOOOOOOOOOH YEA”. UNF, I APPROVE OF THAT LOOK ARTHUR GIVES MERLIN AND THE WAVING OF HIS HAND. PWAOOOOR, HELLO SEXPOT.
MERLIN MAGICS THE SHAPE KNIFE OFF THE TABLE, AND HOW ARTHUR DIDN’T REALISE THAT WAS MAGIC, I DON’T EVEN KNOW. LOL HIS BARELY CONFUSED “HUH?” FACE IS JUST FUCKING PRICELESS. NO WONDER ARTHUR IS NEVER GOING TO SUSPECT MERLIN’S MAGIC, IF HE CARRIES ON LIKE THIS.
WHILE ARTHUR IS BENDING OVER HIS CHAIR WANTING TO BE SPANKED LIKE THE NAUGHTY BOY HE IS MERLIN MAGICS A DRUMSTICK TO FLY INTO THE WATER JUG. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MERLIN’S FUCKING FAAAAAAAACE IN THAT SHOT IS JUST HILARIOUS. IT’S ALL “LALALA, I AM NOT DOING ANTYHING AT ALLLLLLLLLL SUSPICIOUS” XDDDDDDDD;
ARTHUR IS ONTO YOU THOUGH, YOU THEIVING SCOUNDREL. OF COURSE THE MAN KNOWS HE HAD TWO DRUMSTICKS, HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO EATING THOSE.
MERLIN SAYS THAT PERHAPS IT FELL ON THE FLOOR. LOL LIKE HIS KNIFE JUST DID? YOU TOTALLY JUST WANT HIM TO BEND OVER HIS CHAIR FOR AN EXCUSE TO PERV ON HIS PERFECT ARSE MERLIN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.
AND THEN HE STEALS ARHUR’S SAUSAGES. SAUSAGES, FOR GOD’S SAKE. OOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD, THEY AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW ANYMORE. FUCKING SAUSAGES!!!! *FLAILS*
ARTHUR KNOWS THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO STEAL HIS PHALLIC SYMBOLS MERLIN. GOD, IF YOU WANT SEX, JUST ASK FOR IT. INSTEAD MERLIN SAYS THAT THE SAUSAGES MUST HAVE FALLEN UNDER THE TABLE AND INTO ARTHUR’S PANTS. MEANING MERLIN HAS TO DO HIS SERVANTLY DUTIES AND FETCH THEM OUT. BUT OH DEAR, MY HAND SLIPPED AND GRABBED YOUR PENIS INSTEAD. HOW HARD YOU ARE ARTHUR, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING?
AFTER THE INDISCRETE HANDJOB, MERLIN EVEN SAYS “YOU CAN SEARCH ME” WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A CODE WORD FOR “I NEED SEX NOW, YOU BETTER REPAY THE FAVOUR”. JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE BENDS OVER FOR ARTHUR, CLEARLY HE’S WET AND READY.
ALKFGJALFKJAJJ
THE WAY THEY GET IN CLOSE LIKE THAT, ARTHUR ASSERTING HIS AUTHORITY LIKE THAT. MERLIN BEING ALL SASSY BITCHFACE, THROWING ARTHUR’S TRICKS RIGHT BACK AT HIM. MERLIN WANTING ARTHUR TO EAT HIS SAUSAGE, AND ARTHUR NOT HAVING THE CHANCE. MERLIN’S FACE CLEARLY WANTS THAT CHANCE.
THIS SHOW IS OH SO DIRTY.
*fans self* my gosh, that was all rather exciting. Makes up for the stupid so far, yes? So does this next bit, where Merlin is carrying the jug holding the food through the streets *LOL* looking like the total shifty bastard he is. And while he’s looking in every direction BUT the one he’s walking in, he walks straight into the Big Bad Bounty Hunter.
Merlin is manhandled by the guards into a secluded area of the Castle (OMG WHUT. SURELY THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS NOT THINKING OF SEX AT THIS TIME ALSO?!) and the Bounty Hunter takes Merlin’s jug and dumps the sausages on the floor. Merlin does a rather good job of lying here, I’m kind of impressed, with that desperate look on his face. He looks pretty desperate, like he just wants the leftovers for himself, and that he’s too poor to eat anything but leftovers. Oh Merlin, you face is just so ... UNF here that it would melt even the coldest hearts. Especially that way he says “for my dinner!” *wibbles*
Unfortunately for Merlin, the Big Bad Bounty Hunter has a heart of stone, and calls you on your bullshit.
AND HE GETS RIGHT IN CLOSE TO MERLIN, TOTALLY VIOLATING HIS PERSONAL SPACE. DX OMG DO NOT WANT, I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE. PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM HIM, I DON’T WANT TO BE THINKING SEXUAL THOUGHTS HERE. DDDDX
The Bounty Hunter definitely suspects Merlin is lying to him, and forces him into the seat and has the guards hold him. He readies the chain and handcuffs to do ... what? OMG DO NOT WANT BONDAGE SEX. DDX It seems to be the Bounty Hunter’s threat - he will rape Merlin stupid unless he tells the truth, which seems to be rather effective in scaring the shit out of Merlin.
NEVER FEAR, ARTHUR TO THE RESCUE!
HE STOPS THE BOUNTY HUNTER FROM PUNCHING MERLIN IN THE FACE.
ARTHUR THEN SAYS THAT MERLIN IS “MY MANSERVANT, BITCH, SO DON’T YOU DARE LAY A HAND ON HIM”.
THEN HE EVEN SAYS THAT MERLIN HAS HIS ABSOLUTE TRUST, AND I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS. OH ARTHUR, YOU EVEN SAID IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MERLIN. YAY!! NOW MERLIN KNOWS YOU CARE!
*DANCES AROUND THE ROOM*
THEN ARTHUR TOTALLY METAPHORICALLY BITCH SLAPS THE BOUNTY HUNTER, TELLING HIM HE CAN ONLY GET TO MERLIN IF HE GOES THROUGH HIM. WHICH OF COURSE IS TOTALLY OFF LIMITS. OMG ARTHUR, WHY SO AWESOME. ILU, SFM.
THEN HE NOTICES HIS DINNER ON THE FLOOR, AND MERLIN KNOWS HE’S BUSTED.
“AHH.” HE SAYS. GAAAAAAAAH, THAT FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
ARTHUR IS TOTALLY ONTO YOU MERLIN, STEALING HIS PHALLIC SYMBOLS SAUSAGES. ARTHUR THINKS YOU WERE JUST USING THEM AS AN EXCUSE TO GET INTO HIS PANTS EARLIER.
ARTHUR DOESN’T KNOW WHETHER TO BE ANNOYED OR NOT.
THEN MERLIN SAYS THE MOST SPASTASTIC THING EVAAAAAR, THAT HE STOLE THE SAUSAGES TO ”KEEP [ARTHUR] IN SHAPE” ONCE AGAIN IMPLYING THAT ARTHUR IS FAT.
OMG LOL ROFLMFAO AHAHAHAHA EHEHEHEHE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I AM DYING HERE. DYING!!!
ARTHUR DOES NOT LIKE THIS IMPLICATION, AND DEMANDS TO KNOW IF MERLIN IS CALLING HIM FAT. XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
SUCH A GIRL ARTHUR. SUCH. A. GIRL.
MERLIN RESPONDS THAT OF COURSE THAT TUNIC DOESN’T MAKE HIS BUTT LOOK BIG, THOUGH HE’D BETTER LAY OFF THE SWEETS.
INDIGNANT ARTHUR IS INDIGNANT.
“I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!”
OH MERLIN, ADORABLE MERLIN, SASSY-FACES BACK WITH “SEE? IT’S WORKING!” AND GIVES ARTHUR THE MOST ADORABLE FUCKING SMILE ON THE PLANET.
ARTHUR IS CLEARLY DAZZLED BY THIS SMILE AND CANNOT QUITE REMEMBER WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, HOWEVER, WHY MERLIN IS NOT ATTENDING TO HIS NOW ROCK-HARD ERECTION.
OMG THIS SHOW MAKES IT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EASYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
And then we cut to the lame attempt at lame romance or Merlin being infatuated with some girl or something, which I am totally not buying. WE ALL KNOW MERLIN IS AS GAY AS A RAINBOW COLOURED PAROTT, FFS, NO ONE IS BUYING THIS SHIT.
But yea, Merlin says he’s sorry he’s late, he was too busy attending to Arthur’s sausage. LOL.
Freya has evidently been crying, and Merlin somehow manages to NOT act like every other man in existence and pretend he can’t see the tears. He actually asks if something has upset her. Freya denies that something is wrong, and I cannot bring myself to hate her anymore. I honestly feel for her here, because I know exactly what it’s like to be crying your eyes out and feeling really uncomfortable when someone actually notices and then WON’T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE, even if you tell them it’s none of their business. Merlin, of course, like the douche he is, thinks it’s all about him. That Freya actually gives a crap if he would come back. I think it’s probably more the fact that she’s ALONE and being EYE RAPED by EVERYONE AROUND HER and the Bounty Hunter SELLING HER TO THE KING FOR MORE RAPING AND THEN BURNING, YOU IDIOT MERLIN. LIKE SHE GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU’RE A LITTLE BIT LATE. MY GOD, SERIOUSLY.
Freya is kind of adorable with her self-deprecating comments (“I scare most people away”), though Merlin tries to be cute right back with his “I’m not most people”. Well that’s clearly obvious, you Magical show off fool. Who else would risk his life for someone he JUST MET because she’s ~Magical~? Only Merlin, that’s for fucking sure.
Merlin pulls out some more candles from his jacket and places them in the nooks and crannies of this little hidey hole (TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK DIRTY HERE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF CANDLES ARE SYMBOLS IN THIS SHOW, GOD). To distract Freya from the fact that Merlin is trying for a ~romantic~ candle light atmosphere (DDDX NO SEX FOR YOU MERLIN, JUST - NO), he asks her how long her cage was locked up for (LOL shut up self). A few days apparently. Ouch, those bondage cuffs would have chaffed that shit up pretty bad, let me tell you.
~ANYWAY~
Freya mentions that you can’t always trust people (YEA MERLIN, YOU IDIOT. WHY HAVE YOU NOT LEARNT THIS LEASSON YET?) and they start talking about Merlin’s home - EALDOR! :DDDD YAY FOR EADLOR! Merlin looks so ridiculously adorable talking about how Ealdor is just some small village in the middle of nowhere, but of course you haven’t heard of it, not surprising since there’s just some cows there and it’s absolutely nothing special, since it’s in another county and all. *continues to look adorable*. GOD, JUST - FUCK. MERLIN, GET IN ME NOW.
Sadly Freya seems to be succumbing to Merlin’s adorable fucking face, because she opens up and tells him about her home. It makes her look so happy, smiling away all cheerful like, forgetting for that moment that she’s on the run. I really love her smile, and the actress does that nostalgic look rather well, methinks. Freya says that it was perfect, but she had to leave because her parents died and she’s been on her own ever since. Oh dear, that sucks.
BUT FUCKING MERLIN HAS TO GO AND RUIN THE MOMENT [FOR ME] AND SAY “YOU’RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE” AND “I’M GOING TO LOOK AFTER YOU”. OH SHUT UP MERLIN, YOU FOOL, YOU’VE KNOWN HER ALL OF 12 HOURS. SAY THAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU. I WILL SLAP YOUR STUPID ARSE, I SWEAR TO GOD.
THEY CONTINUE TO INSULT MY EYES AND MY INTELLIGENCE BY HAVING MERLIN SAY THAT HE HAS “NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER” AND TAKING HOLD OF HER HANDS. LIKE FUCKING SHIT YOU HAVE MERLIN, I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS CRAP. I CLEARLY REMEMBER YOU SAYING THIS ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE ... OH RIGHT, NIMUEH LAST SEASON, AND THEN LADY CATRINA JUST A FEW EPISODES AGO. OR DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM, YOU FILTHY, DIRTY MANWHORE?
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP MERLIN, NO ONE IS BUYING THIS CRAP. WE DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS FUCKERY.
I’m going to ignore the rest of that scene, which involves something to do with “them”, lots of hand-rape and Merlin referring to the pair of them like they are already a couple or some shit. Because if I pay much more attention, I’m going to burst a blood vessel, and that would not end well. Not even Merlin’s adorable smile is going to make it ok.
That night, while Merlin is smiling happily in his sleep, looking extra ravishable lying in his bed like that (RAWR, I DO WANT), we have a rather LOLWORTHY couple strolling down the street in the moonlight, trying to act all cute. *giggles at their giggles and flirting-ness* AHAHAHA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR SHOW, CUTTING FROM FREYA TO MERLIN AND THEN THE COUPLE. OH HOW YOU FAIL AT SUBTLEY, I SWEAR.
I have no idea why these two lovebirds thought it would be a good idea to go for a midnight stroll, especially with all the dangerous shit that could be lurking about. It’s the Darwin Awards, Camelot Version, and they are of course the first to be OM NOM NOM’ED by the Big Bad Unknown and Unseen Beast of this episode. Let’s just say I AM NOT SURPRISED.
Next morning, everyone is running to have a stickybeak at the nomed couple. LOL those extras, I do love them. We cut to Arthur and Gaius kneeling on the ground in front of said nomed couple, looking all broody and pensive. Gaius, who likes to be practical, says that it was some kind of wild animal. Since OBVIOUSLY those vicious things that attack yet leave no trail are CLEARLY wild animals. Arthur however, breaks out his Tracking Tack and apparently there aren’t any tracks from a bear or wolf. ~~ooOOOooooOOOoooOOOoo~~ THIS SOUNDS OMINOUS. BUT THEN. BUT THEN, OH IT GETS BETTER. THERE ARE PEOPLE PRINTS WALKING AWAY FROM THE BODIES. ~~OOOOoooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOO~~ MOAR OMINOUS SIGNS. \O/
Practical Uther is practical and for this episode seems to want to jump all over the MAGIC DID IT bandwagon, because he’s the one that points out what we already know - IT MUST BE MAGIC! :O
Which leads to Gaius doing research in his chambers, looking through one of his numerous Wildly Knowledgeable Texts. And what would you know it; he seems to have stumbled onto something! \o/ I see wings and I see moon and I see LIGHTENING. HO HO HO, COULD THIS BE THE BEAST? :O
Ok, I’ll stop now. I’m just being sarcastic because, you know. IT’S JUST SO EASY!
Anyway, cut to Freya (O I C WOT U DID THAR) being visited yet again by Merlin. Who has the most hilarious present in the history of forever, a GIANT LOAF OF BREAD.
COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING, MERLIN? O_o
As someone said in the reaction post - thankfully it wasn’t a baguette. Or I think I would have died. XDDD NOT HELPING THAT HE SAYS “THIS WILL BE THE BEST BREAD YOU EVER TASTED
YEA, JUST WHAT KIND OF BREAD ARE YOU REFERRING TOO MERLIN? IT HAD BETTER NOT BE THE ONE IN YOUR PANTS. DOWN BOY.
Freya, however, doesn’t find the humour in all of this, and is sulking in the torchlight. Merlin, the adorable douchehat, tells her that she can have ~ANYTHING~ she wants; he’ll Magic it for her. Yea, Magic it in your pants. Just for the lulz, Freya says ‘strawberries’ and Merlin seems kinda taken aback there. He’s all “wut? Strawberries? Wtf woman, I could bring you flowers! Flowers are much prettier than practical foodstuffs like strawberries! Geez!”
Methinks it was almost like a test, Freya asking the one thing that she didn’t think Merlin could bring her (which, granted, he couldn’t, seeing as how they didn’t exist in England before the 1800’s or something, LOL). I don’t know how to explain it, it just the feeling I got from that scene and her un ... cooperativeness? I dunno, it was weird. And Merlin jumps all over that challenge, Magic’ing up a storm. And by the way, why does this kid know so many useless spells? When is it ever practical to know a spell that creates roses? *barfs* Oh Merlin, you really just ... I don’t even know.
To be honest, I actually thought he summoned the strawberries the first time I watched it. It took me a few minutes to realise that the red thing he was holding WASN’T a strawberry, until Freya actually said “it’s not a strawberry”. And then I felt like an idiot, because THE SHOW FOOLED ME. DAMMIT, IT’S NOT ALLOWED TO FOOL *ME*! I PREDICT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR LAMEASS ATTEMPTS AT ESCAPING CORNINESS. BUT CRAP, I DIDN’T WITH THIS ONE.
*FAILS*
The rest of this all makes me barf and cringe and die a thousand times over. Freya’s “why are you so good to me?” *HURL* Merlin’s “I ... I ... I LIKE YOU” *BEATS HEAD AGAINST FLOOR* the Bounty Hunter and guards coming and almost but not quite finding them (because they are useless and hopeless) *CRIES* Freya clinging to Merlin and crying about the cage *IS PAINED* Merlin talking about how special Freya is *WRITHES IN AGONY* and finally Merlin crying while kissing Freya *DIES A THOUSAND PAINFUL DEATHS*
Just ... argh. NO. NO JULIAN JONES, JUST NO. I don’t even understand why Merlin was crying. Like I have said a thousand times before, clearly he hates this forced Het even more than we do.
I’m assuming Merlin got laid after that mouth rape, because next morning he’s humming dreadfully while walking in a circle (*LOL*) and then while sitting, eating and grinning. LOL Merlin’s so adorable, I want to squish him. ESPECIALLY when he’s all “I have to go out! Don’t wait up for me. I might be late” OMG MERLIN YOU ARE JUST SO FUCKING CUTE. GET IN MY PANTS, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
Merlin goes back down to visit Freya and we get to another bit that I really don’t like. Freya, smart girl, tells Merlin that he is acting like AN IDIOT and that he has to be CAREFUL, FOOL, but Merlin is “done with being careful” and that he wants to get the hell out of Camelot. OMG BITCH SAYS WHUT. Merlin is fed up with what? The exact thing that he signed up for? WTF Merlin, you douche, leaving Arthur and your destiny for this woman you’ve known for all of two days. JUST ... ARGGH. FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Not even Merlin’s adorable smiling face makes up for this fuckery. Or Freya’s, for that matter, because she’s looking rather adorable as they talk about fields and wild flowers and *VOMIT*.
Merlin steals into Morgana’s chambers because he is out to STEAL ONE OF HER DRESSES! OMG lets just ignore the fact that he’s ignore the fact he’s stealing it for Freya (WTF Merlin, why are you suddenly stealing everything? This is not a good thing - if this girl makes you do these bad things, YOUR LOVE IS NOT HEALTHY. GTFO NOW) BUT FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT MERLIN IS TRYING ON MORGANA’S DRESSES
*FLAILS*
HE’S EVEN HAVING HIS OWN MAYBELLINE MOMENT
Gwen busts Merlin’s arse and is all “wtf yo?” but Merlin’s all “IMMA EXPLAIN YA’LL.” But it takes him a second to think of a bad lie. XDDDDDD Oh Merlin, you crack me up so hardcore. Gwen is totally not buying your bullcrap, LOLing at you behind your back. BUT THEN OMG, MERLIN GETS ALL ~HUSH HUSH~ ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE IS A MOTH INFESTATION AND HE HAS TO BURN THE DRESS. ZOMFG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
“IF WE DON’T STOP [THE MOTHS], WE’LL ALL BE WALKING AROUND NAKED.”
L.M.F.A.O. CONSPIRATOR MERLIN IS CONSPIRATORIAL.
GWEN’S WTF FACE IS FUCKING PRICELESS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ZOMFG ANDTHEN MERLIN RUNS INTO ARTHUR. THEY HAVE HOT EYESEX.
ARTHUR IS TOTALLY JUDGING YOUR PENIS, MERLIN.
HE IS TOTALLY ONTO YOU MERLIN.
YOU CAN’T HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM, MERLIN.
GAIUS ARTHUR’S EYEBROW CALLS BULLSHIT ON YOUR LIE.
AND IS TOTALLY LOLING IN YOUR FACE, MERLIN.
ARTHUR SAYS CROSS DRESSING IS OK!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
“WHAT A MAN DOES IN HIS SPARE TIME IS ... COMPLETELY ... UP TO ... HIM.”
“THE COLOUR SUITS YOU MERLIN”
THAT DIDN’T SOUND GAY AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, ARTHUR.
CHECKING OUT MERLIN, COMMENTING ON WHICH COLOURS SUIT HIM. OMG, HOW GAY CAN YOU GET.
*DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
YOU TOTALLY KNOW THAT MEANS ARTHUR IS THINKING DIRTY THOUGHTS. AND THAT HE IS GOING TO HAVE MERLIN COME TO HIM AT NIGHT IN THAT DRESS AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO KINKY, NAUGHTY THINGS. IN MORGANA’S DRESS. AND PERHAPS MORGANA WILL EVEN JOIN IN.
ZOMFG, IT’S NOT EVEN FANFIC ANYMORE. THE SHOW WRITES IT INTO CANON. HOLY GOD, I CAN’T EVEN DEAL.
BEST. SCENE. EVER!!!
Christ almighty, I can barely even recover after that scene. Good thing next thing is totally blah and doesn’t really matter. Some useless redshirts Guards get attacked by the ~mysterious~ monster, and they scream like little girls. LOL, LIKE MERLIN ALL DRESSED UP. *still dying from lulz*
Bells sound next morning to tell everyone that ... people are dead? Huh. I guess this is a Ye Olde English thing, because I don’t get it. Whatever, Gaius is covering up the bodies and Arthur reports that somebody ... SAW SOMETHING. \O/ DUN DUN DUUUUUUN ... FEAR!
I mean, a giant cat. Phtt, you wouldn’t happen to mean a Grim would you there, Gaius? While you’re spouting your excuse of “I need more time to investigate”. Uther is totally over that shit (LOL AT THEIR COMBINED BITCHINESS. OH YOU TELL HIM GAIUS, UTHER 8DDDDDD) and demands an answer. Gaius is not budging, that Uther will just have to wait you little bitch, until Mummy has the right answer. Oh these two!! ♥
Merlin goes back to Freya with the dress, and Freya doesn’t even question where it comes from. LOGIC SAYS WOT. And Merlin compliments her or something, and Freya cries that she doesn’t deserve his love, or something. LAAAAAAAME. It gets even worse though, because Merlin says they’ll leave that night, run away so they can be together ~forever~ *yaks all over the carpet* oh please, spare me. I could have done without the goodbye kiss as well, thanks. T___T But Freya is scheming something, because get drops her cute grin face as soon as Merlin turns his back and AHAHA MERLIN, SHE’S GONNA LEAVE YOUR ARSE. LOOKS LIKE YOUR THE ONLY ONE FEELING ALL THAT ~LURVE~.
Merlin is packing up to run away when Gaius comes in to FINALLY knock some sense into this retard. Gaius says there was another attack, and that it seems to be the work of some kind of Human-Beast. You think he might be going somewhere with this information and ... WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW, FREYA IS CURSED. WELL HEY NOW.
I admit, I laughed so hard when Gaius said Freya was a “Bastet” because I thought he said “BASTARD”. And I actually thought that’s what it was *LOL* until I saw one of the comments saying that ... it wasn’t. :( boo.
Merlin lies to Gaius, saying that he did not release her. Gaius says the most heartbreaking line this episode: “there was a time when you thought twice before lying to me”. DDDDDD:
I understand Merlin is sulking up a storm in this conversation, but I really, REALLY want to beat him around the head with a bat for being all *woe* IT’S NOT FREYA. SHE’S JUST A GIRL. NO BEAST, NO! I am totally and completely on Gaius’s side this time (that’s a first; usually I’m less sympathetic, just understanding when it comes to Gaius). He definitely should go to Uther and let him know what is up. Hell, that’s his job and that’s what he should do - especially since Uther and Gaius seem to be staying on good terms [for now]. Merlin should shut the fuck up and man up, Freya is killing people and there is no way that can be justified. Thank god someone is thinking straight. Thank you Gaius.
Merlin runs down to where Freya is being kept, finds that she’s gone and is very put out. He sulks off in his room like the little bitch he is and Gaius comes in to explain himself. I don’t know why Gaius is explaining his reasoning’s to Merlin, he should see that it’s the right thing to do on his part. But Merlin completely misses the point and acts like a child, all whiny “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” Ugh, stfu Merlin, don’t try to find some fake or imaginary connection between you and Freya, because it doesn’t exist. For god’s sake.
In all of this, if Merlin was so bloody worried about his little princess, why didn’t he think of a way to UNCURSE her? You know, doing something practical, instead of crying like a little girl. I’m sure there would be a spell out there or a way to stop Freya from turning into a monster. But oh no, instead of trying to save Freya’s life - he’s so called “great love” - he goes off and sulks in his room. Real classy Merlin. Real classy.
Now, while that is going on, Freya is actually DOING something - trying to escape. Unfortunately she gets caught in all of five seconds, and runs herself into a corner. Arthur is leading his men like a good little General, and the Bounty Hunter is a creepy fuck with his “no one gets away from me” creepiness.
Time decides that this would be a nice time to strike midnight, and Freya starts changing into her Monster Bastet Self. I kind of lawl at her manly screams, even if that is rather nasty to laugh at someone in so much pain. *sings* Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place to beeeeeeee~!
Erm, anyway. The Beeb has some rather impressive CGI going on this week - Monster!Freya looks kinda ... CatDog like with wings. And she’s all ferocious with her roaring and her teeth. The Bounty Hunter is definitely shitting his pants over there by Arthur and his useless Knights. To get revenge or payback for locking her up, Freya first attacks the Bounty Hunter and rips him a new one - literally. This gives Arthur enough time to stab her in the shoulder, and for his Knights to run scared. God, such USELESS people they are.
Injured Freya hobbles over to the middle of the courtyard, to be conveniently placed in the centre of the moonlight, where we can all see her. Useless Knights coming running in to attack, now that the Big Scary Beast is all nice and handicapped, the fucking bastards. They surround Freya, who is all “~!RAWR!~” until she sees Merlin lurking around in the background, behind the Useless Knights. Arthur the Hero comes running in, and Merlin is looking rather desperate here. I expect him to be rather conflicted - his new girlfriend or his long-time lover? Whoever should he chose?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE CHOSE FREYA? AND TRIED TO FUCKING KILL ARTHUR IN THE PROCESS? WHAT ABOUT YOUR DESTINY AND PROTECTING ARTHUR, YOU DUMB SHIT. OH MY WORD, THIS FUCKERY JUST GOT TOO MUCH.
Right, so that was stupid. And the bloody dumb Bastet could have flown away BEFORE it was surrounded, when there was nobody in the freakin’ courtyard. Oh but wait, then we wouldn’t have tension and Merlin potentially killing Arthur. I CALL BULLSHIT ON YOUR DUMB CHOICES, JULIAN JONES. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS CRAP. FUCK YOU, AND YOUR FUCKING EXCUSES.
No one seems to notice Merlin running off to their underground hideaway. He finds Monster!Freya and pets her head, totally not bothered by the fact that she just ate someone. It’s all rather cute and TOTALLY TURNING MY MIND TO THE BEASTALITY STUFF. LIKE OMG, WE ARE NOT MEANT TO GO THERE PEOPLE. Sadly my mind has been infected by Harry Potter fandom, and I’m not quite as squicked out as everyone else seems to be. Hell, I want to cuddle Monster!Freya myself, she looks really snugly.
BUT STILL, NO SEX FOR YOU MERLIN. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH A CAT MONSTER. JUST, NO.
Monster!Freya changes back into a human and she’s all ~naked~. LOL you pervert Merlin. Don’t you go raping her now, while she’s all vulnerable! But this kind of makes me wonder, what happened to her clothes the last two nights? Did she take them off before she transformed, so that she would have something to change back into after? Because surely SOMEONE would have noticed a naked girl running through the street? Or is this just a plot hole/unanswerable question that I should just not put the time and effort into worrying about?
So yea, Freya’s crying that she’s SUCH A MONSTER! *WOE* but Merlin says she’s not. Yea, whatever Merlin, all evidence is to the contrary. Apparently Freya is dying now though, even though she was only stabbed in the shoulder. PEOPLE DO NOT DIE FROM SHOULDER WOUNDS, UNLESS THEIR BLOOD DON’T CLOT AND THEY JUST BLEED OUT. THEREFORE, USE YOUR FRIGGIN’ JACKET FOR USEFUL THINGS, LIKE TRYING TO STOP THE BLEEDING. OMG, SO FUCKING USELESS MERLIN. NO WONDER YOUR GIRLFRIEND DIES.
NO SYMPATHY, WHATSOEVER.
We find out that Freya wasn’t always like this - that some man attacked her and she killed him. \o/ But his mother was a sorceress and she cursed Freya to kill forevermore, so she turned her into a Bastet? How the fuck would she even know what that was, Egypt is but a blip on no one’s radar, especially not in England. BUT WHATEVER, SHOW KNOWS NO LOGIC. Merlin promises to make her better, but apparently the wounds’ too deep. Whatever show, if you say so. I still call bullshit though.
Merlin carries Freya to the Lake, presumably the one he threw Excalibur into, for her final resting place. Oh how cute, he remembered. What I want to know is how he got out of the Castle, because I’m ready to bet there are at least three hundred Knights ready to come down on Freya’s arse. And if Merlin can give them all the slip so easily, why the hell didn’t he do that before? But oh, wait. That’s right, thinking again. Must stop doing that.
It’s raining as they say their goodbyes, and I am able to be distracted by the water dripping down Colin’s wonderful face. UNF, wet Merlin, I approve.
Merlin cries and DAMMIT, that boy does tears so well. Freya dies, finally, but not before swearing that she will repay him, one day. Oh yay, so this is where the ‘Lady of the Lake’ part comes into it. Wow Colin, way to give away all the secrets. It’s all meant to be rather tragic, if the soundtrack is anything to go by, but fucked if I can care.
Freya gets put on bed of leaves in a Magically appearing boat and Merlin Magic’s her out to the middle of the Lake.
My heart did kind of ache for Merlin in that second that he hesitated, before lighting Freya up. And that he couldn’t look at her while he said the incantation. Though when the flames actually did start burning, I was like WUUUUUUUUUUT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE’S BURNING HER? ISN’T SHE MEANT TO BE THE LADY OF THE LAKE? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE IN FLAMES THEN, DOESN’T SHE NEED TO BE TIED TO THE LAKE SOMEHOW? I was under the impression that he was just going to Magic up a Fountain or something, and she’d be swallowed up by the Lake. But that makes too much sense, or something. And I guess torching was the way things were done, back in the day.
So, ding dong, the witch is dead. BWAHAHA.
Merlin returns home, Gaius is thankful that Merlin is safe, Merlin confides that Freya is dead and woe be him. Thank fucking Christ this week we have Merlin being comforted by Gaius, all sad and mopey. THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN LAST WEEK, HOWARD. TAKE FUCKING NOTE. It breaks my heart in all sorts of ways that the rest of the episode didn’t, and I really do love those two. Gaius/Merlin for the win, guys.
Next we have morose Merlin scrubbing shoes, and we find out he has a lot more still to do. But he doesn’t seem at all bothered by it, probably happy for the chance to brood emoly while doing menial chores. Arthur comes in, but before Arthur can beat Merlin to the punch, Merlin says in this really heart wrenching, soul destroying way that Arthur is only going to ask him to “polish your armour, and to wash your clothes and clean your room”. Oh my god, I don’t know how Colin does it, but fuck that boy just kills me.
Heartbroken Merlin is Heartbreaking.
Arthur decides to be sensitive and his gaydar picks up on the fact that his lover is rather upset, so he SITS DOWN BESIDE MERLIN. ON THE GROUND.
DEFINITELY CHECKING MERLIN OUT HERE. OH YES, I C U.
THEN ARTHUR DOES THIS FUCKING ADORABLE, RIDICULOUS THING WITH HIS MOUTH.
FUCK BRADLEY JAMES, WHY ARE WE NOT HAVING SEX ALREADY. GET IN ME, NOW.
AND ARTHUR KNOWS THAT SOMETHING’S BEEN UPSETTING HIS BB. AWWWWWWW, WAY TO CARE ARTHUR. *WIBBLES*
AND HE THINKS IT’S HIS FAULT, WHEN HE THREW WATER ON MERLIN LIKE A DOUCHE.
MERLIN KIND OF SMILES ADORABLY, AND SAYS THAT IT WASN’T VERY NICE.
ARTHUR SAID THAT IT WAS “A BIT UNFAIR”. OMG GUYS, GEI MOMENT OVERLOAD!!
BUT THE GEI KEEPS COMING.
ARTHUR WAS INSULTED WHEN MERLIN CALLED HIM ‘FAT’. OMG, ARTHUR’S MANFEELINGS WERE HURT, AND HE IS TALKING TO MERLIN ABOUT SAID HURT MANFEELINGS.
I CAN’T EVEN DEAL, ARTHUR’S INSULTED FACE IS PRICELESS.
MERLIN DOESN’T THINK WHAT HE SAID WAS UNFAIR. ZOMG, HE EVEN SAYS IT WITH A PLAYFUL SMILE. WAY TO BE HARSH MERLIN.
ARTHUR IS NOT AMUSED BY YOUR INSULTS, MERLIN.
SO HE GRABS MERLIN IN A HEADLOCK. OMG, AS IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING GAYER.
ARTHUR IS HAVING MORE FUN THAN MERLIN. CLEARLY HE IS ON TOP IN THIS HEAD GAYLOCK.
JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY, THE UST IS BREAKING MY GAYDAR. FFS.
THEY BREAK APART AND ARTHUR IS EVEN LOOKING AT MERLIN WITH THE MOST ADORABLE BESOTTED LOOK ON THE FUCKING PLANET.
IF ARTHUR/BRADLEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT, I WOULD FUCK HIM INTO THE FLOOR. RIGHT THEN AND THERE. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, MERLIN???
MERLIN IS CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT IT.
ARTHUR ASKS IF MERLIN’S MANFEELINGS ARE BETTER, AND THEY HAVE AN EVEN GAYER GEI MOMENT OVERLOAD, OF CUTENESS AND FUZZY FEELINGS AND CHEESY MUSIC.
OMG, MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED, IT CAN’T EVEN DEAL.
BUT IT DID HEAR ARTHUR USE THE CODE WORDS “POLISH MY ARMOUR”.
*DEEEEEEEED*
DID NOT EVEN MIND THAT IT ENDED ON A HALF-SMILE. BECAUSE IT WAS HALF-SMILE FILLED WITH SUCH LOVE FOR ARTHUR. OMG, THOSE TWO ARE SO FUCKING IN LOVE, IT CONQUERS EVERYTHING. INCLUDING BAD HETEROSEXUAL SUBPLOTS AND THE WRITER ATTEMPTING TO BREAK THEM UP.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
I CAN’T EVEN.
ARTHUR/MERLIN IS FOREVER, YOU CAN’T EVEN DENY.
I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK. OMG, IT IS GOING TO BE AWESOMESTEW WITH ADDED AWESOMESAUCE SERVED UP ON A PLATE OF AWESOME.
ARTHUR IS ALL “MY JOB IS TO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo~”
HE HOLDS A ROSE IN HIS MOUTH AND CLIMBS UP THE CASTLE WALLS
THEN FALLS UNGAINLY IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.
LOOKING COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, I MIGHT ADD.
LOOOOOOOOOOLING FOREVER~!!!!!!!!!!
MAKING OUT ON THE BED WITH SOPHIA #2 VIVIAN.
I WOULD HIT THE BOTH OF THEM. THEY ARE EXTREMELY HOT, EVEN TOGETHER.
MERLIN IS GOING TO BURST IN ON THEM AND GET ALL SAD THAT ARTHUR IS CHEATING ON HIM AGAIN. XDDDDDD
LOL GWEN IS EVEN THERE, PRETENDING TO GIVE A CRAP THAT ARTHUR IS “ENCHANTED WITH LADY VIVIAN”. AHAHAHAHAHA, THAT SHIT IS GONNA BE SO PATHETICALLY STUPID, I CAN’T WAIT. THOUGHT YOU ONLY LOVED LANCELOT, GWEN? WHAT HAPPENED?
ARTHUR ACTING SUPREMELY UNCONCERNED THAT HIS VIVIAN-LOVE COULD BRING WAR.
LOL AT HIS FACE.
OMFG, I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT. THIS SHIT WILL BE EPIC.
I apologise for this taking so long to be put up. Sadly I couldn’t even start working on it until 20 odd hours AFTER I had seen the episode, and then I could only work on it sporadically after that. D: Apparently it is not polite to just sit on your computer for 10 odd hours, which is how long this took me, when you are a guest in someone’s home. >_________>;
And then I got to Brisbane, and Kate had Supernatural, and trying to stop me from watching that is like trying to stop a house fire by pouring fuel on the flames. So ... yea.