Last words.
I don't write here anymore.
I've been thinking about writing this entry for the past three months, but the idea has been bouncing around my head for over three and a half years. Of course now that I actually want to try to get this stuff in writing, I choke. There are many things I would like to write about here, but the vast majority of them don't matter anymore. I have some messages to certain people. Maybe they'll read them. Maybe they won't. I'll never find out and that's probably for the best.
There are many of you out there that hate me. Some have perfectly valid reasons. Some simply hated me for being different. Others for being myself, for daring to be different than the norm, or just... for not falling into certain social schemes or cliques. I don't understand you. I spent many years trying to do so and I couldn't figure it out. I wish I could talk to you to clear that up, but some would just walk away instead of trying to reason with me. Reasoning is one of my biggest flaws, but it's also kept me alive. It's kept me moderately sane. It's kept me from doing things that can't be undone. (Well. Most things.)
... and to that one person.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged you into one of the darkest moments in my life. I'm sorry for everything I said and did that hurt you. I don't hate you. I haven't hated you for a very long time. I haven't hated anyone for a long time. I've spent the past eight years trying to atone for all of that but all of that is pointless unless I say this somewhere. And I have. You didn't do anything wrong. I did. There are many things I would like to tell you, but I'll have to keep them to myself. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell them to you. Maybe... I know that a semi-hidden message in an abandoned journal isn't a really good way to say this, but it's something. I just want to get this out there. I don't care if some people think less of me for this... I'm... I just want peace.
Life is too short to keep grudges. My extended family and parts of my close family are full of hatred. I don't understand that and I never will, because I don't want to be like my family, not in that way. I've seen what it does and what it did to me. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
There are many, many people out there who I've disappointed. I didn't turn out the way they had hoped. My life isn't even close to being what I wanted it to be.
So this is how I start over.
I hope I can turn it around. I have friends and a family that supports me. I have a baby nephew that will need me as he grows up. I have to do the best I can for him. Someone's got to make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes we did.
I'm leaving this journal up. Not as a reminder of what I did, but as a reminder of what I am. And what I should change. I can't change the past. But I can make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes again.
Maybe one day my karma will even out. For now, I have to keep trying my best. I wasn't there for the people that needed me then. I have to be there for those that need me now.
I've been thinking about writing this entry for the past three months, but the idea has been bouncing around my head for over three and a half years. Of course now that I actually want to try to get this stuff in writing, I choke. There are many things I would like to write about here, but the vast majority of them don't matter anymore. I have some messages to certain people. Maybe they'll read them. Maybe they won't. I'll never find out and that's probably for the best.
There are many of you out there that hate me. Some have perfectly valid reasons. Some simply hated me for being different. Others for being myself, for daring to be different than the norm, or just... for not falling into certain social schemes or cliques. I don't understand you. I spent many years trying to do so and I couldn't figure it out. I wish I could talk to you to clear that up, but some would just walk away instead of trying to reason with me. Reasoning is one of my biggest flaws, but it's also kept me alive. It's kept me moderately sane. It's kept me from doing things that can't be undone. (Well. Most things.)
... and to that one person.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged you into one of the darkest moments in my life. I'm sorry for everything I said and did that hurt you. I don't hate you. I haven't hated you for a very long time. I haven't hated anyone for a long time. I've spent the past eight years trying to atone for all of that but all of that is pointless unless I say this somewhere. And I have. You didn't do anything wrong. I did. There are many things I would like to tell you, but I'll have to keep them to myself. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell them to you. Maybe... I know that a semi-hidden message in an abandoned journal isn't a really good way to say this, but it's something. I just want to get this out there. I don't care if some people think less of me for this... I'm... I just want peace.
Life is too short to keep grudges. My extended family and parts of my close family are full of hatred. I don't understand that and I never will, because I don't want to be like my family, not in that way. I've seen what it does and what it did to me. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
There are many, many people out there who I've disappointed. I didn't turn out the way they had hoped. My life isn't even close to being what I wanted it to be.
So this is how I start over.
I hope I can turn it around. I have friends and a family that supports me. I have a baby nephew that will need me as he grows up. I have to do the best I can for him. Someone's got to make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes we did.
I'm leaving this journal up. Not as a reminder of what I did, but as a reminder of what I am. And what I should change. I can't change the past. But I can make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes again.
Maybe one day my karma will even out. For now, I have to keep trying my best. I wasn't there for the people that needed me then. I have to be there for those that need me now.