If only...
I realize I have Lots of catching up to do on here, again I've been blogging more on myspace but not as intimately as I would on here, but I can't keep up with everything right now so I hardly breathe.
Anyway for now I need to write and it needs to go here. Sorry if any of you have felt neglected.... I miss you guys. This place here in this journal is a place I wish I would have never left.
What I need to vent about right now are the words "If Only".
My life is filled with "if only's". They consist of meeting wonderful people, connecting with them, and then them absolutely loving many parts of me but ending in if only.... as in if only she wasn't married with children.
You know what fine I'm in a bizarre situation. But seriously how bizarre is it really? The difference is I don't have any family to help me get on my feet so I can get a divorce right this second..... I can't do it all. And I refuse anymore to even consider these things regrets or mistakes. My kids are fucking AMAZING. They are amazing! And they are meant to be in this world. I am working hard at changing the things I need to and that is all I can do right now. I am and will always do what is best for them. You know what any person who gets to spend any time in their lives let alone getting a signifcant spot in there is DAMN LUCKY. And I will not feel any differently. I have had it with feeling down on myself or whatever else we have grown past that phase in life. But clearly I have been hanging out in the wrong situations because I keep getting girls flirt with me, act extremely interested, keep in mind this is knowing 100 percent my situation and then saying things like if you weren't married I would be on you like white on rice. Ummmm?!? You know what I understand where they are coming from BUT at the same time. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth that kind of what only. It's one thing if the fact I have kids is just not for you and you just aren't into that or whatever, but its entirely another if you can't get enough of me but because of the principal that I am married remains then I'm an "If Only".
If only.... If you take away the reasons I'm an if only, I may not even be an if at all, because I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't see things the way that I do or be the person I am today without the choices I have made and the road I have taken and I wouldn't have my amazing kids.
If only in anything in my opinion distracts from what is actually there. What good do if's do anyone, things are what they are.
And someday I am still and always hopeful that someone will love me as is and not as an if only. And that they will see how truly lucky they are that they get that opportunity regardless of the choices I can do nothing but work on doing what I can with now with the knowledge I have of myself and the means that I have. I'm doing my best here people. And you know what I am taking myself out of anyone situation that is not uplifting because being around people who see me as an if only is not making me feel very great.
-C
Anyway for now I need to write and it needs to go here. Sorry if any of you have felt neglected.... I miss you guys. This place here in this journal is a place I wish I would have never left.
What I need to vent about right now are the words "If Only".
My life is filled with "if only's". They consist of meeting wonderful people, connecting with them, and then them absolutely loving many parts of me but ending in if only.... as in if only she wasn't married with children.
You know what fine I'm in a bizarre situation. But seriously how bizarre is it really? The difference is I don't have any family to help me get on my feet so I can get a divorce right this second..... I can't do it all. And I refuse anymore to even consider these things regrets or mistakes. My kids are fucking AMAZING. They are amazing! And they are meant to be in this world. I am working hard at changing the things I need to and that is all I can do right now. I am and will always do what is best for them. You know what any person who gets to spend any time in their lives let alone getting a signifcant spot in there is DAMN LUCKY. And I will not feel any differently. I have had it with feeling down on myself or whatever else we have grown past that phase in life. But clearly I have been hanging out in the wrong situations because I keep getting girls flirt with me, act extremely interested, keep in mind this is knowing 100 percent my situation and then saying things like if you weren't married I would be on you like white on rice. Ummmm?!? You know what I understand where they are coming from BUT at the same time. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth that kind of what only. It's one thing if the fact I have kids is just not for you and you just aren't into that or whatever, but its entirely another if you can't get enough of me but because of the principal that I am married remains then I'm an "If Only".
If only.... If you take away the reasons I'm an if only, I may not even be an if at all, because I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't see things the way that I do or be the person I am today without the choices I have made and the road I have taken and I wouldn't have my amazing kids.
If only in anything in my opinion distracts from what is actually there. What good do if's do anyone, things are what they are.
And someday I am still and always hopeful that someone will love me as is and not as an if only. And that they will see how truly lucky they are that they get that opportunity regardless of the choices I can do nothing but work on doing what I can with now with the knowledge I have of myself and the means that I have. I'm doing my best here people. And you know what I am taking myself out of anyone situation that is not uplifting because being around people who see me as an if only is not making me feel very great.
-C