I will not feel inadequate. I will not feel inadequate.
This job is giving me psychological problems. I feel so wildly inadequate here. Not only am I the lowest person on the totem pole, but now I feel bad for not participating. This job is based on a fraternal organization. All the staff are members of one of the local branches (mostly because we were told we HAD to join, but anyways...) The other staff actually participate and are active members- they go to meetings and events at their local hall. I never really cared that I was a member in name only, until lunch yesterday when someone asked me if I was even a member. I admitted I was but I didn't go to meetings etc.
I suddenly felt like a jerk. Why should I really care? I never did before. But now it seems like all my co-workers are such busy little bees with member activities that it makes ME look like a lesser worker or something. (I have to wonder if they quit this job tomorrow, would they continue to be fraternal members?) Why do I feel like a waiter who doesn't have enough pieces of flare, just because I value my time off and like to spend it with my family? I do plenty of work here and I feel totally worthless... like I could quit and walk out right now and no one would bat an eye.
Again, this all shouldn't matter and I shouldn't care. But it just seems like one more thing recently that makes me feel low and inadequate.
Among those things: boobs. (I know, way to whine about something like that) I watched a BBC show the other night called "My Small Breasts and I" and almost balled my eyes out. It's a very base thing, but you'd be surprised how much it can affect a woman's self-esteem. It almost makes me feel like... well, not a woman.
Whenever I've talked longingly about getting bigger boobs, J starts acting weird. I think HE thinks that he's not making me feel beautiful or appreciated enough. That's so not the case, I know he thinks I am 'teh shit'. But no matter how much someone else tells you you're beautiful or sexy, unless you believe yourself, you won't believe it. I wish I could explain to him that new boobs would be for ME, not for him or anyone else, without sounding like a shallow vain whore who wants to be stared at.