The Midnight Spider
Okay, so late last night I felt the need to take a midnight bathroom break. That might be a little TMI, but I need to set the mood.
As I was walking to the bathroom, I couldn't see, due to the lack of lighting. So... my foot brushed something. I thought it was some fluff, or maybe a sock laying around. I paid it no mind... until on my way out I saw that it was a leaf and I jumped!! Now, I do this a lot. I see a leaf out of the corner of my eye and think it's a spider and freak out, and this time wasn't any different. If only for the fact that... somewhere in my mind, a little voice was screaming at me. That voice was yelling, "LEGS!!! THE LEAF HAS LEGS!!!" Once my mind started to listen to the voice, my eyes started to see it for what it was. It was a spider about half the size of my hand and it was LOOKING at me!!
I whimpered. Yep, I actually whimpered. It was a big fucking bastard! I dived to the side and looked around for something big and heavy to smack it with, because I knew a rolled up newspaper just wouldn't work for this guy. He'd just stand there and look at me and say, "That all ya got, BITCH?!" Because you know spiders think they're hard, even when they're squishy messes!
Anyway, my thinking was, Mister Spider was either going to:
A: Get hit with the size 12 boot of my dads and not feel a thing and then come after me.
B: Get hit with the size 12 boot of my dads and walk away with it on it's back, much like a turtle!
C: See the shadow of the boot and run.
D: See the shadow of the boot and attack my ankles.
E: Die and come and haunt me.
What I didn't expect was for the little fuck to look around. Yep, he looked around. Left, right, left again... and then he shot forward and hid under a chair! HE KNEW!! He knew I was looking for my dad's size 12 boot and he knew I'd try and kill him!!
I couldn't sleep all that night... I had to shut my door. I was afraid he'd come and sneak into my room and I'd wake up and he'd be staring at me and laughing and then he'd suck out my EYEBALL!! ... or some such thing.
*dies laughing*
As I was walking to the bathroom, I couldn't see, due to the lack of lighting. So... my foot brushed something. I thought it was some fluff, or maybe a sock laying around. I paid it no mind... until on my way out I saw that it was a leaf and I jumped!! Now, I do this a lot. I see a leaf out of the corner of my eye and think it's a spider and freak out, and this time wasn't any different. If only for the fact that... somewhere in my mind, a little voice was screaming at me. That voice was yelling, "LEGS!!! THE LEAF HAS LEGS!!!" Once my mind started to listen to the voice, my eyes started to see it for what it was. It was a spider about half the size of my hand and it was LOOKING at me!!
I whimpered. Yep, I actually whimpered. It was a big fucking bastard! I dived to the side and looked around for something big and heavy to smack it with, because I knew a rolled up newspaper just wouldn't work for this guy. He'd just stand there and look at me and say, "That all ya got, BITCH?!" Because you know spiders think they're hard, even when they're squishy messes!
Anyway, my thinking was, Mister Spider was either going to:
A: Get hit with the size 12 boot of my dads and not feel a thing and then come after me.
B: Get hit with the size 12 boot of my dads and walk away with it on it's back, much like a turtle!
C: See the shadow of the boot and run.
D: See the shadow of the boot and attack my ankles.
E: Die and come and haunt me.
What I didn't expect was for the little fuck to look around. Yep, he looked around. Left, right, left again... and then he shot forward and hid under a chair! HE KNEW!! He knew I was looking for my dad's size 12 boot and he knew I'd try and kill him!!
I couldn't sleep all that night... I had to shut my door. I was afraid he'd come and sneak into my room and I'd wake up and he'd be staring at me and laughing and then he'd suck out my EYEBALL!! ... or some such thing.
*dies laughing*