Just something...
A friend of mine admitted to being jealous of me yesterday... and it shocked me. It shocked me more than I admitted or knew at the time. Because the things she was saying, the things she was jealous about... they all seemed so wrong somehow. I know she was just upset at a little thing, I know that she wasn't angry or mad at me. I know exactly what she was feeling and why she was feeling it, I understood and still do, which is why I didn't get upset or take offence by what she was saying. But the more I think about it, the more it makes me feel a little sad. She knows me. So she should know that almost all of what she said was only surface stuff, that deep down... it was all wrong, or all an act.
She said I was better than her. That's the biggest load of bullshit I've heard since the last load of bullshit! I'm better than noone! ('sept maybe Blair or Bush... or my little sister! And Paris Hilton... oh gods! She's driving me insane! You can't move these days without hearing her name!) She said I was more artistic, that people liked me more, commented on my LJ more, talked to me more. Again, more bullshit than I could shake an extra large stick at!
And I'll tell you just why!
Artistic: Last year, around May I think, I was without the internet for almost two months. And in that time I'd been to my granddad's and stocked up on maybe a hundred Photoshop Tutorials and everything I'd need to teach myself how to use the damn thing. Two months people!! With NOTHING else to do BUT play around with that program, soak up those tutorials, learn the ins and outs... and I'm STILL learning! I'm not better, I'm good... I'll admit to that. After two months of solid learning and then a year of practice and learning more, I hope to gods that I'm at least good! But that's not artistic. That's learning from others. Being an artist implies creativity and I don't have that. I copy what others have done, maybe put my own weird spin on it, but it's still copying. But my friend... she is a true artist, she has true creativity. She will sit for hours and make something from scratch. Maybe it looks rough, or maybe it looks spectacular, it doesn't matter! What matters is that she's made something completely unique to her, something no one else has done because she's built it from the bottom up. Most of what she's learnt is from trial and error and she's STILL LEARNING! She's not been doing this for as long as I have, or centered her learning to just one thing... she's doing everything she can with the program she has and wants to learn more, while I'm just happy learning all I can about making icons! That is the extent of my artistic creativity. Her's... doesn't stop! She'll have a go at anything! So tell me... who's better? Me for doing one thing and being good at it, or her for doing may things and being good at each one?
People like me more: Now this shocked me. Because she knows just how I feel about this, and if she doesn't... then I'm going to be disappointed.
No offence to you guys or anything, but the person you like isn't even me. The real me is a little different than the person you see when you read my LJ or the person that most people will see. In fact, I have another friend who won't even speak to me when I'm "The Real Me". This guy won't talk to me unless I'm the happy, hyper Foxxie that everyone knows and loves. They don't seem to realise that I'm not that all the time, that I get tired of being Foxxie and just want to be me every now and again. The real me is a problem. I'm shy, I'm odd, I'm a little emotionally unstable, I can get angry or VERY opinionated about things. I'm depressed most of the time, and usually I don't even realise it.
So really, only a few people like me for me, most people just like my online persona. And you can tell me all you want that you like me and everything about me, but it still doesn't change the fact that no one really knows me... so how can you know you'll like me? But my friend... she doesn't really hide like that. She has the same "masks" as I do, but doesn't use them as often as I do. She doesn't hide behind her online persona so people can't see the real her. With my friend, usually what you see is what you get. She's fussy about who she makes her friend, granted. She's picky about what she lets people see and know about her, but she's still far more open that me and that... means she has more friends than me. That means that more people like her for her, not some act that she plays.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I have a friends list of about... 170, and only about five out of those people like me for who I really am.
She has a friends list of around 50 and, while she might not call them all best friends, they still all like her for being who and what she is.
No contest really!
LJ comments: Now, no offence (again) but the people who comment on my journal I don't really know. No matter how much I want to get to know these people it just never seems to work out that way. There's also a strange feeling of... obligation, to some of the comments. Like people are doing it just because they saw my post on their friends list and felt the need to comment on each post they saw. A lot is just spam. Because, like I said before, there are really only a few people on my friends list that I know. But my friend... maybe she doesn't get as many comments as I do, but she has a much smaller Friends list, and when she does get comments... they have content and meaning, they're not random, you can tell they've not been made because someone's seen the entry and felt they had to comment just because it was there. I'm not complaining or anything! I'm just stating a fact.
Talking: Her words where, "Just look at how many people talk to you when you get online" ... or some variation of that. This is a common mistake. People assume that because I'm "friendly" that I talk to a lot of people. Wrong. Once upon a time I did, but it was a small group of friends that I'd talk to, no one else. But over time that group of friends has thinned to three people that I speak to on any kind of regular basis. Maybe I'll talk to someone randomly, or they'll IM me... but it doesn't happen often. I really don't like to talk to people unless I have something to say. It's VERY hard to keep my attention, and if you can... if I can talk to someone for more than half an hour and not be at a loss for something to say, then maybe I'll talk to them again. But I prefer to stick to the three people that I know and love. I don't know what my friend does or how many people she talks to, she doesn't say anything about it or them, so I can't make any kind of comparison, only correct the mistake.
I'm not sure what else to say now. Other than... I've admired and envied her for so long. She's so much smarter and stronger than I could ever be. She told me I was a better friend, but she's wrong. She's the best friend that anyone could ever want or ask for. She's there when I need her, a shoulder to cry on, a wise mind to bounce ideas off, she's able to calm me when I get angry, stop my tears when I'm sad, make me smile when I'm depressed... In a lot of things we're the same, but in a lot of other ways we're different! I know it was one thing that set off this jealousy in her... but I wish it wasn't there. I wish that... maybe she could admire my differences like I admire hers, rather than be jealous of what I can do (or how people react to me or say about me)and she can't...
She said I was better than her. That's the biggest load of bullshit I've heard since the last load of bullshit! I'm better than noone! ('sept maybe Blair or Bush... or my little sister! And Paris Hilton... oh gods! She's driving me insane! You can't move these days without hearing her name!) She said I was more artistic, that people liked me more, commented on my LJ more, talked to me more. Again, more bullshit than I could shake an extra large stick at!
And I'll tell you just why!
Artistic: Last year, around May I think, I was without the internet for almost two months. And in that time I'd been to my granddad's and stocked up on maybe a hundred Photoshop Tutorials and everything I'd need to teach myself how to use the damn thing. Two months people!! With NOTHING else to do BUT play around with that program, soak up those tutorials, learn the ins and outs... and I'm STILL learning! I'm not better, I'm good... I'll admit to that. After two months of solid learning and then a year of practice and learning more, I hope to gods that I'm at least good! But that's not artistic. That's learning from others. Being an artist implies creativity and I don't have that. I copy what others have done, maybe put my own weird spin on it, but it's still copying. But my friend... she is a true artist, she has true creativity. She will sit for hours and make something from scratch. Maybe it looks rough, or maybe it looks spectacular, it doesn't matter! What matters is that she's made something completely unique to her, something no one else has done because she's built it from the bottom up. Most of what she's learnt is from trial and error and she's STILL LEARNING! She's not been doing this for as long as I have, or centered her learning to just one thing... she's doing everything she can with the program she has and wants to learn more, while I'm just happy learning all I can about making icons! That is the extent of my artistic creativity. Her's... doesn't stop! She'll have a go at anything! So tell me... who's better? Me for doing one thing and being good at it, or her for doing may things and being good at each one?
People like me more: Now this shocked me. Because she knows just how I feel about this, and if she doesn't... then I'm going to be disappointed.
No offence to you guys or anything, but the person you like isn't even me. The real me is a little different than the person you see when you read my LJ or the person that most people will see. In fact, I have another friend who won't even speak to me when I'm "The Real Me". This guy won't talk to me unless I'm the happy, hyper Foxxie that everyone knows and loves. They don't seem to realise that I'm not that all the time, that I get tired of being Foxxie and just want to be me every now and again. The real me is a problem. I'm shy, I'm odd, I'm a little emotionally unstable, I can get angry or VERY opinionated about things. I'm depressed most of the time, and usually I don't even realise it.
So really, only a few people like me for me, most people just like my online persona. And you can tell me all you want that you like me and everything about me, but it still doesn't change the fact that no one really knows me... so how can you know you'll like me? But my friend... she doesn't really hide like that. She has the same "masks" as I do, but doesn't use them as often as I do. She doesn't hide behind her online persona so people can't see the real her. With my friend, usually what you see is what you get. She's fussy about who she makes her friend, granted. She's picky about what she lets people see and know about her, but she's still far more open that me and that... means she has more friends than me. That means that more people like her for her, not some act that she plays.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I have a friends list of about... 170, and only about five out of those people like me for who I really am.
She has a friends list of around 50 and, while she might not call them all best friends, they still all like her for being who and what she is.
No contest really!
LJ comments: Now, no offence (again) but the people who comment on my journal I don't really know. No matter how much I want to get to know these people it just never seems to work out that way. There's also a strange feeling of... obligation, to some of the comments. Like people are doing it just because they saw my post on their friends list and felt the need to comment on each post they saw. A lot is just spam. Because, like I said before, there are really only a few people on my friends list that I know. But my friend... maybe she doesn't get as many comments as I do, but she has a much smaller Friends list, and when she does get comments... they have content and meaning, they're not random, you can tell they've not been made because someone's seen the entry and felt they had to comment just because it was there. I'm not complaining or anything! I'm just stating a fact.
Talking: Her words where, "Just look at how many people talk to you when you get online" ... or some variation of that. This is a common mistake. People assume that because I'm "friendly" that I talk to a lot of people. Wrong. Once upon a time I did, but it was a small group of friends that I'd talk to, no one else. But over time that group of friends has thinned to three people that I speak to on any kind of regular basis. Maybe I'll talk to someone randomly, or they'll IM me... but it doesn't happen often. I really don't like to talk to people unless I have something to say. It's VERY hard to keep my attention, and if you can... if I can talk to someone for more than half an hour and not be at a loss for something to say, then maybe I'll talk to them again. But I prefer to stick to the three people that I know and love. I don't know what my friend does or how many people she talks to, she doesn't say anything about it or them, so I can't make any kind of comparison, only correct the mistake.
I'm not sure what else to say now. Other than... I've admired and envied her for so long. She's so much smarter and stronger than I could ever be. She told me I was a better friend, but she's wrong. She's the best friend that anyone could ever want or ask for. She's there when I need her, a shoulder to cry on, a wise mind to bounce ideas off, she's able to calm me when I get angry, stop my tears when I'm sad, make me smile when I'm depressed... In a lot of things we're the same, but in a lot of other ways we're different! I know it was one thing that set off this jealousy in her... but I wish it wasn't there. I wish that... maybe she could admire my differences like I admire hers, rather than be jealous of what I can do (or how people react to me or say about me)and she can't...