in the year 2000 b.c....
i really need to update this more often. i guess the problem is that every time i DO think about making an entry, i'm either too busy or too depressed to drag my dumb ass to the computer and actually do it. *le sigh* so now, here i am, updating at school.
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sleep is a tease these days. i got home last night so tired of work and school that i went straight to bed. daniel, apparently, had spent most of the day these. which is good, since he needs his rest too. but anyway, he was watching some mexican movie on tv and i was re-reading "the center of everything" and i was so exhausted... these last few days have been really rough and i'm having a harder time getting myself unde control. i'm worried for the day my abilities finally give way to whatever is meant to happen to me anyway. i don't know if that makes sense. all i know is, sometimes, i'll be sitting in class or work otherwise perfectly normal. and i'll look at something, or just stare straight ahead and i'll have this overwhelming desire to just die. *emo violin time* i know it sounds stupid and, luckily, my brain can take charge still when this happens. i KNOW that things aren't all that bad. in fact, most people would probably think they're pretty good right now, even with all the strain we're under. i KNOW that me being depressed is just a sign of some kind of weakness. i know i don't WANT to feel this way; i want my baby to feel the happiness i assume most mothers feel at this stage. i want to feel like singing to her, talking, at least, telling her about the world, how much she's gonna like it here, how excited me and her dad are.
but it's not there. and when i think about it, think about talking or something, i'll feel something pulling back, showing nothing but a blank canvas, tricking me. sometimes i wonder if she knows, and that's why she kicks me, spins around and otherwise makes sitting still a strange experience. but even that doesn't help. and i guess what's been bothering me more lately is that it's taking longer and longer to snap out of those "dark moods" that i know aren't good for anybody. i'm in serious turmoil over this psychiatry thing; daniel (aka tom cruise) doesn't want me taking anything, i know i'm not particularly fond of taking things (or remembering to take them) and i'm sure most everyone i know will think i'm crazy if i start on some shrink routine NOW of all times. i wonder if letting them know that i'm pretty damned crazy whether i take the drugs or not would have any impact...
i think i'll be seeing the dermatologist first, finding out what the fuck this thing on my leg is. the doctors so far seem to think it's either a fungus (ew) or some kind of stress-induced dermatitis. joy. and to think, it started a small rough spot about the size of a quarter just below the bulge of my calf. now it covers the whole right side of my lower left leg and some of left side of my right leg too. it's gross. and it itches. that's probably the worst part, the itch. i can handle something being ugly or gross (hell, i've had to deal with ME all my life) but i can't handle something that itches. knowing that i'm manic may seem like a good excuse to scratch away, but it's really really bad, to the point of bleeding pretty much every time. it's ridiculous how orgasmic it feels to scratch though. mmm. but no, blood is not good on my pants.
speaking of blood, i've noticed rather violent spurts of anger on my part. sometimes warranted, oftentimes not. i've always been annoyed at stupid people, but--how can i describe it? when i feel something--anything--these days, it's something like this: i feel like i'm flat, some 2-dimensional thing, maybe a keyboard played with dozens of pins, or otherwise one of those flyers with cuts along one side and a phone number written on each tab. when people do something or say something it's like thay stab at one of the keys or rip one of those stupid tabs off, and sometimes they tear the wrong way and it rips my whole damned sheet. i can almost feel my hair standing stright up, like hades' hair all on fire n shit, but stiffer. then there's the twitch; sometimes it's an eye twitch, my cheek pulling down on my lid or my mouth moving without me wanting it to, and sometimes my whole head'll turn for a second, something in back or on the side wanting to pull it out of danger before i respond. darwin, anybody?
anyway, that's kind of what happens. and the bad thing is that once it gets to that point, me standing there with my tabs pulled off and my hair up, twitching, there's no stopping the avalanche in my mind. and i'm not talking about a snowball, i mean the whole damned mountain just pours over, smothering the cute little alpine villiage somewhere on the bottom, then doing it again just for fun. or maybe just because i can't remember there was a villiage down there in the first place. it's like my thinking goes away and all that's left is emotion (which is bad) and whatever the offense was. once in a while i can even hear the thinking part of my brain saying "motherfuck!" while the rest of me falls into something entirely different. it's not so much a whirlwind or tornado as a swamp or bog. shit that's been these since before christ, it seems, and doesn't have anywhere else to go but down. something eerie? while i'm there, i like being there; it's quiet, nothing but a low, liquid hum; the temperature changes sometimes from warm to cool but it's comepletely covering, no spots like when my brain's there, making my hands cold and my back hot; it's an almost pleasant green color, no real light except the occassional glow of something passing overhead; there's no air, but i can still breathe, gills in my palms, eyes in my chest...
unfortunately, when i'm "normal" i realize just how dangerous this is. i can see that while i'm where i shouldn't be it's very hard to want to bring myself back out. and since it's a place i visit so frequently (especially these days) i'm becoming more familiar with those surroundings, more inclined to stay even when that glow turns sharp, a flashlight too afraid or unsure to cut through the surface of the water. more willing to go deeper, nitrogen slowly putting me to sleep until i forget how to breathe and sink to the cool, indifferent bottom. or like now, when i feel i'm not totally submerged but floating in that place, only the top part of my face visible from the shore.
anyway, guess it's time for class. if anyone even made it this far, i salute you. i'm only sorry it didn't make more (any, ha) sense.
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sleep is a tease these days. i got home last night so tired of work and school that i went straight to bed. daniel, apparently, had spent most of the day these. which is good, since he needs his rest too. but anyway, he was watching some mexican movie on tv and i was re-reading "the center of everything" and i was so exhausted... these last few days have been really rough and i'm having a harder time getting myself unde control. i'm worried for the day my abilities finally give way to whatever is meant to happen to me anyway. i don't know if that makes sense. all i know is, sometimes, i'll be sitting in class or work otherwise perfectly normal. and i'll look at something, or just stare straight ahead and i'll have this overwhelming desire to just die. *emo violin time* i know it sounds stupid and, luckily, my brain can take charge still when this happens. i KNOW that things aren't all that bad. in fact, most people would probably think they're pretty good right now, even with all the strain we're under. i KNOW that me being depressed is just a sign of some kind of weakness. i know i don't WANT to feel this way; i want my baby to feel the happiness i assume most mothers feel at this stage. i want to feel like singing to her, talking, at least, telling her about the world, how much she's gonna like it here, how excited me and her dad are.
but it's not there. and when i think about it, think about talking or something, i'll feel something pulling back, showing nothing but a blank canvas, tricking me. sometimes i wonder if she knows, and that's why she kicks me, spins around and otherwise makes sitting still a strange experience. but even that doesn't help. and i guess what's been bothering me more lately is that it's taking longer and longer to snap out of those "dark moods" that i know aren't good for anybody. i'm in serious turmoil over this psychiatry thing; daniel (aka tom cruise) doesn't want me taking anything, i know i'm not particularly fond of taking things (or remembering to take them) and i'm sure most everyone i know will think i'm crazy if i start on some shrink routine NOW of all times. i wonder if letting them know that i'm pretty damned crazy whether i take the drugs or not would have any impact...
i think i'll be seeing the dermatologist first, finding out what the fuck this thing on my leg is. the doctors so far seem to think it's either a fungus (ew) or some kind of stress-induced dermatitis. joy. and to think, it started a small rough spot about the size of a quarter just below the bulge of my calf. now it covers the whole right side of my lower left leg and some of left side of my right leg too. it's gross. and it itches. that's probably the worst part, the itch. i can handle something being ugly or gross (hell, i've had to deal with ME all my life) but i can't handle something that itches. knowing that i'm manic may seem like a good excuse to scratch away, but it's really really bad, to the point of bleeding pretty much every time. it's ridiculous how orgasmic it feels to scratch though. mmm. but no, blood is not good on my pants.
speaking of blood, i've noticed rather violent spurts of anger on my part. sometimes warranted, oftentimes not. i've always been annoyed at stupid people, but--how can i describe it? when i feel something--anything--these days, it's something like this: i feel like i'm flat, some 2-dimensional thing, maybe a keyboard played with dozens of pins, or otherwise one of those flyers with cuts along one side and a phone number written on each tab. when people do something or say something it's like thay stab at one of the keys or rip one of those stupid tabs off, and sometimes they tear the wrong way and it rips my whole damned sheet. i can almost feel my hair standing stright up, like hades' hair all on fire n shit, but stiffer. then there's the twitch; sometimes it's an eye twitch, my cheek pulling down on my lid or my mouth moving without me wanting it to, and sometimes my whole head'll turn for a second, something in back or on the side wanting to pull it out of danger before i respond. darwin, anybody?
anyway, that's kind of what happens. and the bad thing is that once it gets to that point, me standing there with my tabs pulled off and my hair up, twitching, there's no stopping the avalanche in my mind. and i'm not talking about a snowball, i mean the whole damned mountain just pours over, smothering the cute little alpine villiage somewhere on the bottom, then doing it again just for fun. or maybe just because i can't remember there was a villiage down there in the first place. it's like my thinking goes away and all that's left is emotion (which is bad) and whatever the offense was. once in a while i can even hear the thinking part of my brain saying "motherfuck!" while the rest of me falls into something entirely different. it's not so much a whirlwind or tornado as a swamp or bog. shit that's been these since before christ, it seems, and doesn't have anywhere else to go but down. something eerie? while i'm there, i like being there; it's quiet, nothing but a low, liquid hum; the temperature changes sometimes from warm to cool but it's comepletely covering, no spots like when my brain's there, making my hands cold and my back hot; it's an almost pleasant green color, no real light except the occassional glow of something passing overhead; there's no air, but i can still breathe, gills in my palms, eyes in my chest...
unfortunately, when i'm "normal" i realize just how dangerous this is. i can see that while i'm where i shouldn't be it's very hard to want to bring myself back out. and since it's a place i visit so frequently (especially these days) i'm becoming more familiar with those surroundings, more inclined to stay even when that glow turns sharp, a flashlight too afraid or unsure to cut through the surface of the water. more willing to go deeper, nitrogen slowly putting me to sleep until i forget how to breathe and sink to the cool, indifferent bottom. or like now, when i feel i'm not totally submerged but floating in that place, only the top part of my face visible from the shore.
anyway, guess it's time for class. if anyone even made it this far, i salute you. i'm only sorry it didn't make more (any, ha) sense.